(Closed) Need help! Secret Elopment or Not!

posted 6 years ago in Elopement
Post # 3
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My husband and I seriously considered this. We wanted to get married on our anniversary too. I wish that we did.

Reasons that we didn’t – We were able to get a date that was the Saturday following our anniversary, so it was close enough anyway. Because our date was so close we were spending all of our time preping for that and setting up the other would have just been one more than, even thought it would have been really small and easy.

Reasons I wish that we did – It would have been cute. We would have had one less thing to worry about on wedding day (the paperwork). Plus some of the nerves would have been eased because we were already together leagally.

I really really really wish that we did. I would go for it if you want to. No one needs to know and I think it would be so cute and take off some nerves.

Post # 4
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We secretly eloped and we loved the idea! Then we announced it to our family and ALMOST everyone was happy.  I say almost because my daughter was very upset she wasn’t there to witness the occasion.  She was more than upset to not have the chance to witness seeing my face and my smile as we said our vows. 

Aside from that…we were perfectly happy just the two of us.  No witnesses are necessary where we went. 

Just be happy.  What makes you smile more?  The thought of secretly eloping, or announcing you are eloping or a wedding?  At some point one of those thoughts must make you smile a little more than the other two.  That’ll be the plan to go with.

Post # 5
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think if you want to elope, you shouldn’t lie to people.  Be honest with your friends and family, then have a vow renewal or marriage blessing/celebration later when everyone can be there.

Post # 6
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@DaneLady:  +1

I would be so ticked if I went to a Destination Wedding to find out the couple had been married already and lying about it. 

Post # 7
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Do it! 🙂

Let the people close to you know your plans though, parent in particular.

We wanted to but didn’t want to leave our families out so we decided against as the cost of doing what we wanted equalled the cost of our big wedding due to flying families over as opposed to us coming back for the big one. Out of the blue some circumstances put us in the position where we had to elope so we did it! Just the two of us, much less stressful and all about us and not what everyone else wanted. Our family and friends are extremely supportive and understanding. Now we are much less stressed and couldn’t really care if the rain comes down on the day. We are having a vow renewal on the orginally booked and planned date so everyone gets to see us exahnge vows then of course we have a reception so everyone can celebrate with us. On our invitations we tell people we eloped (most should already know) and ask they come celebrate our marriage with a vow renewal and reception. I think the best part is the cerempny doesn’t get bogged down with the legal compulsory paragraphs so we can write something eveyone will enjoy 🙂

Post # 8
1513 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

my Fiance and i talk about this prtty much everyday. we both want to be married to each other and waiting a year still seems like forever to us. PLUS we are having major ceremony issues with some more religious family members. we both agree we could do the church thing if we got to do something else… we have been tossing around the idea of having asecret city hall wedding and then just proceeding as planned with the “real” wedding.

BUT i doubt we’ll pull the trigger. 

1) Fiance cannot keep a secret/tell a lie to save his life.

2) i cannot imagine how hurt my family (esp my grandmother) would be if she found out she wasnt at my wedding. maybe not 10 years after the fact, but more recently, she would be crushed.

3) i feel like, as a PP mentioned, if others found out the wedding ceremony/reception the attended wouldnt feel special, at all.

Post # 9
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think “secret elopements” are ridiculous and rude.  If you want to elope, elope.  But don’t lie to your family and friends in the process (not telling = lying by omission). 

I had a family member do this exact thing, and when it came out that he was married, people were furious about being lied to.  It makes it hard for me to even trust him now, since he had no problem lying before. 

I would be pissed beyond belief if you later had a “ceremony” and reception that I was expected to travel to and gift you a gift.  You’re basically asking your guests to pay for theatrics (since it’s not really your wedding at that point, just a party masquerading as a reception).

Sorry, I have really strong feelings that this is wrong.

Post # 12
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@tonysbabyg:  Yes, the wedding is about you.  But you need to seriously consider how secretly marrying (in the original suggestion) or faux-marrying (not actually getting married at your ceremony) will make your guests feel.  I would be really hurt if I was a guest at your wedding and found out either of these situations happened. 

People feel like they wouldn’t need to go to a Destination Wedding “wedding” of a couple who is already married because, well, it’s not a wedding.  It’s a big expense for people to travel for what is essentially just a party.  Yes, a party in your honor, but it’s not a wedding.  The real point of the wedding is the ceremony, and if you aren’t doing a legitimate ceremony, it takes away a big chunk of the reason for travel, at least in my opinion.

ETA: If you were already married, I most certainly would RSVP no to your Destination Wedding. 

Post # 13
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Eloping is okay. Lying is not. If these are people you love and care about you should be honest with them.

Is there some good reason that you would need to lie about it?

Post # 14
661 posts
Busy bee

@abbie017:  Theatrics?? A tad harsh!!!?? Perhaps the couple at hand want to share their real vowels in front of their loved ones and celebrate, some times this means more to guests then watching them ‘sign’ a sheet of paper.  I would not mind at all, infact, I am going to a wedding next year, after the legal jargon has already been done, and I am BM for that wedding and I am extremely exited for my friend and dont view her day as a ‘theatrical show’, more of a day that she deserves after all she has been through and a statement infront of people of her lifes declaration to the man she loves. Yes, I know ‘I KNOW’ already, I think it’s best to be open and honest, then you wont have people attending the wedding who only consider it a ‘stage show’.

Post # 15
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@rdownie1:  But they aren’t the real vows, the real vows are when you are actuallygetting married.  The best I could say is this would be a vow renewal (which is exactly what you described being as Bridesmaid or Best Man in).  I think lying to people you’re supposed to love is wrong, but that’s just my opinion on “secret elopments.”

By The Way, this situation actually happened to me.  My family found out the couple was married already, so everyone (50+ people) cancelled their flights and tickets, didn’t go, and didn’t send gifts.  And no one trusts that person anymore.

Post # 16
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Everything that @abbie017: said!  I think secret elopements are rude and not cute at all.  I think they are hurtful.  Why wouldn’t you tell me that you were already married?  Do you think I wouldn’t come or get you a gift?  And I would be pissed as hell if I went to a wedding and found out the couple had already gotten married.

@tonysbabyg:  the day is about the two of us…

The day stops becoming all about you and your Fiance the moment you decide to include other people.  I think you should wait and take the day that is available.  Lots of people do.  Think of it this way, you get to start your brand new life together and have a brand new anniversay to celebrate!

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