Need help seducing my husband/initiating sexy time.

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
16 posts
Newbee

I don’t think that you seducing him will help the situation, Hun. I’m going to ask my SO for the guys side but this seems pretty messed up on his part. Dan Savage at SavageLove writes alot about stuff like this, it may help if you read through his site. Your man sounds like he has an addiction to porn and seems pretty selfish about it too. You’ve told him how important sex is to you and he wanks instead? Not acceptable.

Sorry to be so blunt but He probably now has to look at pretty hardcore stuff to get off now.. That may be why he’s not interested in sex with you. The “unreasonable expectations” thing he expects could be a symptom of this? It’s totally cool and normal to masturbate, but NOT if you repeatedly do it at the expense of your wife or partner. 

 If you want to continue the relationship you need to have a huge conversation about what you both need from each other- possibly then he needs to admit he has a problem and get help or he needs to let you take a lover if that’s what you need. 

This wouldhave been be total endgame for five years ago- sex and intimacy is so important to me. He is not showing you love by this behaviour. And I’m sorry to ask but i’d be questioning if he was cheating too. I apologise if this is not the advise you wanted to hear but please believe me, it is meant with the best intentions. 🙁 

Post # 4
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Aw I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I know that some people watch porn here and there, but when they’re addicted it could be bad. I know you’ve tried and it’s just not working for him, but please don’t feel like it’s you with the problem. In reality he’s the one with this problem and hopefully it can be fixed. 

Post # 5
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am so so sorry to hear this is happening to you.  To have put up with it for over 5 years, I give you major credit.  I agree with what everyone has said, this situation is in no way your fault and you shouldn’t be the one doing all the work to fix it.  Honestly, until he is willing to change his behaviour then nothing is going to change for the long run.  Has he always been into porn (like when you guys were still dating) or did this sort of progress during your relationship, after you got married, after a child???

If he wasn’t interested in porn and was willing to have a physical relationship with you in the beginning, you need to figure out what happend to make him act this way.  If you want to continue this relationship you need to ask him if he’s willling to change to make you happy, you deserve to feel love and satisfied in any way you need.  If he’s willing, maybe counseling is an option, or  just trying to start slowly to work through things.  Maybe you could find a video you would be able to watch together?  If he’s 100% unwilling to change or try to fix things you need to decide whta that means, and I know that is really hard. 

Whatever you do, do not blame yourself or put yourself down.  I am sure there are 1000s of men who would kill for a night with you and your husband is taking you for granted.  DO not put anymore work into this until he is willing to do the same.  Good luck, I hope you find happiness very soon

Post # 6
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would definitely get couple’s counseling, and some individual counseling. He sounds like he has a porn addiction.

You are lovely, this is not your fault. He is missing out on a REAL woman, but like any addiction, he needs help to break it so your relationship can heal.

Post # 7
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i am so sorry this is happening to you, i know how you feel! i don’t have any advice unfortunately because i am going through the same thing. only having sex every few weeks (usually 4-5) and him watching porn and pleasuring himself a few times a week. he claims he wants sex and does want to do it more regularly but NEVER initiates, so i feel so hurt and upset when he rejects me when I initiate. 

sorry to threadjack, just want to say you’re not alone! definitely have a talk with him, be open and frank about how his porn watching and its effect on your sex life hurts you

Post # 8
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think this is going to require professional intervention.  My husband likes porn, but he won’t turn me down if i’m ready to go, no matter what the hell I’m wearing.

Post # 9
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sucks that so much of the advice above seems so negative. Obviously, I don’t know the true extent of the porn thing, but it isn’t always automatically porn addiction. And plenty of men who have sex all the time also maturbate all the time. One doesn’t neccesarily negate the other, and shouldn’t.

I won’t go into details, but I’m familiar with the whole being in a low sex drive low physical intimacy type of situation. I’ve never really found a cure for it, because sometimes thats just how people are wired. It could be some deep set issue that you don’t know about, that most likely doesn’t have anything to do with you. It can be lonely, and I understand that, but obvious “wooing” can indeed feel pushy to some people. And sometimes it’s strange to try to “start” when you haven’t been doing anything about it for so long.

The best you can try to do is keep communication open in a gentle way. Don’t start accusing him of watching too much porn, or masturbating too often. Try watching it with him? Have you ever gone “junior high,” and just fooled around, without trying to initiate full on sex? Mutual masturbation and other similar options can be really satisfying and yet not as pressuring, especially if you begin with the intention of just “fooling around.” Constant attempts at having sex can get quite pressuring when the other person isn’t feeling it, and will only make the issue worse.

If anything, just remember that there is more to your relationship than sex, and remember the real reason you love him!!

Post # 10
Member
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

THIS is one of the MANY reasons that I believe watching pornography is wrong and is very hurtful and damaging to a relationship. I know that many other bees who believe differently than I do will vehemently disagree with me, but, especially in a case such as yours, I believe that pornography is cheating. By choosing to regularly fulfill his own sexual desires at the expense of yours, your husband is absolutely cheating you out of the physical affection and attention that rightfully should belong to you as his wife. 

Post # 11
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Porn is a powerful thing. Please look up some articles by Ian Kerner (http://www.goodinbed.com). He talks a lot about men who use masturbation & porn to replace true intimacy. He also says that a man who masturbates frequently actually trains his body to respond only to his own touch which causes regular sex with a woman to feel too different/not as good. This is a huge problem and frankly your husband needs to choose between you and the computer.

Don’t minimize this and think it has anything to do with you. I’m sorry your husband has made you think it does and that you have to change YOUR behavior to make him want intimacy with you. Please believe me: this is NOT YOUR ISSUE!

He must stop watching porn and masturbating so frequently. or you will not get intimacy and a sex life that is normal & required for a marriage. HE needs to see someone about this if he can’t stop on his own. One possibility is that you hold the password to the home computer he uses and allow him access to porn only once or twice a week. He doesn’t have to stop completely, but if he only gets to masturbate to porn 1-2X/week, he can start to focus on having a normal sex life with his wife.

Post # 12
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@AllShookUp:   I agree that low sex drive can be caused by many things or be natural, but it doesnt coexist with masturbation on a regular basis via porn.

I do agree that there seems to be a porn addiction going on here. 

i am not a guy, but I do have a low sex drive and I never feel the need to take care of myself in that way. Sex drive means you want to finish/orgasm. It doesnt matter how. He has a decent or high drive and is taking care of it himself.

Post # 13
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ThreeMeers: *shrugs* I can see what you’re saying, and I get your point. Of course there could be a porn addiction. On the other hand, it could be that he is a normal man who enjoys porn and satisfying himself in private, and who shys away with intimacy with the OP because of other issues. Also, (and in no way to I mean this as an offence to the OP) different women look at porn and their man’s use of it differently. Some realize their man is using it a lot, and immediately jump to “he’s using it instead of me!” Some women look at it as something that men just do. If you’re not comfortable with porn yourself, you’re much more likely to think that it’s a problem, when it may not be. It’s not ALWAYS addiction. Sometimes there is something else going on between the two people involved, so that he feels he’d rather turn to porn than to the awkwardness that happens when actual intimacy is initiated.

The point is, it’s hard to tell from a post. It’s really easy to say ITS ADDICTION!!!! and if the accusation is false, it will only make the OP accuse her husband even more that what he is doing is wrong, which may make him want to do anything with her even less. If it is addiction, then sure, maybe her fears are worth continuing to share with him. But the question was “how do I woo my husband?” and, giving him the benefit of the doubt here, if it’s not addiction and she begins or continues accusing him of this, it will not make him feel any closer to him. Telling a man to quit masturbating will never make a man love you more… it will just make him resent you… and continue to masturbate anyway.

Post # 14
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Response from my guys POV; 

“Unreasonable expectations? Does this guy even have expectations of her? Sounds like he is more interested in his virtual fantasies than a real sex life. 
 
So what is he getting online that he can’t get at home? Is it the looks of the women? What does his woman look like? 
 
Maybe she needs to find out what type of porn he’s looking at and see if it’s something she can work with.
 
But really I think he needs to realise he is in a relationship which means emotional and sexual connection. So they need to talk it out, seek counseling and if that doesn’t get them on the same page then perhaps they need to reevaluate their relationship and future prospects. “
 
And here’s a link to an old Dan Savage column,  take from it what you need if its relevant. http://www.villagevoice.com/2008-05-27/people/i-d-rather-masturbate-than-have-sex-with-my-girlfriend-yup/
 
Quoted from article; “And here’s why you’re deciding to masturbate when you could be banging away at the fiancée: You’re an insecure bag of slop. When you masturbate, RHM, you’re in total control. You can fantasize about whatever you like and, just as importantly, you don’t have to take any responsibility for your partner’s pleasure, nor do you have to risk failure. Masturbation allows you to have orgasms free of any performance anxiety”

Best of luck. Hope we didn’t offend, it just makes me really angry to think of you in bed being make to feel dirty and ashamed because you want to be intimate with your own husband.

Post # 15
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@PlusOne77:  thanks for that link, i think i will show it to my FI!

Post # 16
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I feel like every single human on earth should read Dan Savage.

 

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