(Closed) need help with bridesmaid problem

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Ah.. I had this same problem. I eventually lost a bridesmaid because she simply didn’t want to buy the dress and another because she lost her job. But I did have a talk with a few about wheather they wanted to be in it or not becuase I knew it was a lot to take on and I really need the help. Just have a heart to heart with her and tell her you understand if she can’t commit the money or time, but you want someone with with commit to being a bridesmaid, but in a sweeter suger coated way.

Post # 4
46612 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would call her or get together for coffee and a talk, but I don’t think that bailing on one dess shopping trip would make me change my mind about whether or not I wanted her for a bridesmaid.

Have you spoken with her since then? Maybe she had a reason she had to drop out.

Post # 5
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

i don’t understand why brides lose friendships because their BMs aren’t doing much.  Should they have to?  Have you spoken about this?  I think BMs are there to stand with you on your day.  Beyond that, they don’t have to shop, etc,etc in my opinion. 

I would think seriously about your long term friendship with this person if you drop her. 

Post # 6
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Is there more to the story than this? It seems weird that bailing on one shopping trip has prompted these feelings. Try not to take it too personal and give her another chance. Unless there is more to the story than this, I don’t think it’s worth it to drop her just yet. On the other hand, if she is developing a pattern, then as pp have mentioned, I would call her and have an honest conversation about whether or not she would prefer to be a guest or part of the wedding party. She may not want to be in the wedding and is avoiding the inevitable.

Post # 8
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You have a little less than a year until your wedding. No one is going to show that much interest in it except for you. Are you shopping for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses already? Or was this dress shopping for you? Communication is a two way street. There are times where I will talk to my friends everyday for two weeks straight and then all of a sudden I get busy at work and home life and it takes me almost a week to respond to texts and emails. 

You are going to have to be prepared to lose a friendship if you kick her out of the party because she isn’t calling you or bailed on you once. 

Brides have to remember that bridemaids don’t need to be there for every single event. They don’t need to help you with every single choice. They don’t need to call you all the time to ask about the wedding. Remember that. 

I wish you the best and hope you don’t lose a friendship over a wedding. 

Post # 10
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

@cyndistar3: How long has it been since you’ve talked to her? In my opinion, for the sake of the friendship I would let this time slide and try to forget about it. If it continues to be a problem then take action and just be upfront with her. I can definitely understand your worry. You need to be able to trust your bridesmaid to be there for you. 

Post # 12
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My friends and I have decided that asking someone to no longer be a bridesmaid is like asking to not be friends anymore. If you want to have a realtionship with the person after your wedding I would tough it out. If you don’t want to be their friend go for it, but don’t expect them to even come to your wedding.

Some people have trouble getting into weddings for so many reasons. No one is going to be as into it as you are, and that is normal. But some people have very little interest in weddings. And some people really don’t like weddings and they even make them feel bad, or unhappy about their own life.

So I would take it easy and keep trying to communicate. I had a friend who was like this. She was a total flake, but has been one of my best friends for most of my life. After the wedding was over she was back to normal and wonderful again. I would have been so upset if I did actually ask her to not be in it anymore.

Post # 13
32 posts
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’d give her a call and find out what’s up. To me, this doesn’t sound like a bridesmaid issue, but just a friend issue. If she’s ignoring you and you don’t feel like she even wants to be friends anymore, it wouldn’t matter if you dropped her as a bridesmaid.

Post # 14
2 posts
  • Wedding: October 2012

if it makes you feel any better, my matron of honor plans weddings AS A SIDE JOB FOR FUN (YES FOR FUN) and doesn’t respond to my emails, phone calls or text messages.  i ran around like a crazy person (gladly btw) when she got married when I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. she’s been the worst friend through all of this let alone bridesmaid. (I haven’t seen or spoken to her in a month)

its a shame (and INFRURIATING) when your friends dont come through but get over it. you dont want things to be awkward on your wedding day or any more stressful than they already are when planning a wedding. unless she does something truly heinous, suck it up and deal with her being in your wedding since you obviously wanted her there for a reason. There are probably plently of other people who would love to help you. Besides, your wedding is about you and your husband, not you and your girlfriends. 

(now if only i could take my own advice!)

Post # 15
1 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’ve had similar issues. My maid of honor, who is my best friend and normally a wonderful and reliable person, was very excited when I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor but since then it’s been kind of an awkward ride. I arranged all of her travel including buying her plane tickets and bought the bridesmaid dress for her even though I’m on a very tight budget myself. I haven’t asked or expected any help with the wedding planning since she’s in another country but she’s ignored the few wedding emails I send out (this with the wedding six weeks away). I asked her the other day if she had her hotel arrangements set up and she paused before replying, “wait, *I’m* supposed to do that?! Can I just stay in your room or figure it out when I get there?” She’s my best friend and I love her but I don’t want her staying with me the night of my wedding!

I have one other bridesmaid who lives nearby but hasn’t offered to help in any way, even when I confide in her how much help I need with some parts of the wedding planning and she seems to sympathize with me. When I first asked her to be my bridesmaid she looked at me like I’d just told her I was going to get my car washed or something – no response, no excitement whatsoever. Thinking she might not be into being a bridesmaid, I’ve tried to give her several easy opportunities to back out but she always says she wants to be part of the bridal party.

Even though she lives pretty close to me, she’ll be skipping my bachelorette party because she said it’s inconvenient for her (she’s single, no kids, no job or commitments aside from being a student with a pretty laid-back schedule). I’ve gone really out of my way numerous times for her, so in all honesty I’m kind of hurt by her behavior. (This is also not going to be an expensive party; I’m paying for myself and then some.)

The other ladies in my bridal party have been wonderful so I’m trying to focus on the positive and forgive my two friends for being not the most considerate bridesmaids. My friendships with these ladies will definitely survive these disappointments, but in complete honesty, I do regret asking them to be in my wedding and I don’t feel as close to the second bridesmaid anymore.





Post # 16
31 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

Have u just been contacting her about just the wedding or do you email/txt etc and ask just the normal how are u, etc etc? I’ve found, with a girl group of ten (of which only 1 other girl is engaged) I have to tread carefully to make sure we’re not talking about weddings too much. Im my experience some girls who want the wedding, house, babies etc but aren’t in that situation can get envious and then avoid situations that are going to make them feel there missing out etc (This happened with a girl when one of our friends brought her first house-everytime it was mentioned in convosation she would just role her eyes and leave the room-she later confided in my she was just jealous).

What I’m trying to say is that she might be feeling like your moving on in your life in a positive way and maybe shes feeling down about her own situation. Try and talk to her before making your decision 🙂

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