(Closed) need help with disrespectful MIL..

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would take a long break from her. Have your husband be honest about why- “my wife saw what you said about her. We’d like some distance until you can be respectful of my spouse” and then ignore her for a long while unless she comes to you with an honest heartfelt apology. And then you can forgive her but keep your boundaries and distance. Next time she texts at 12am for something, dont even say no- just dont answer.

Post # 3
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
mrsare :  How long have y’all been married?  I had problems with my Mother-In-Law in the begininng about boundaries and respect, and while we still have issues, it’s a lot better than it was.  But it took a lot of effort and work from both parties (husband&wife and then mother).  At the end of the day, she is his mother, and at one time raised him, changed his diapers, so yes she is a rude lady and very inconsiderate, you have to remember that as much as he stands up to her and defends you, he will always have a bond you don’t.  

It’s not great, but it’s the truth,  I would work with her directly and your husband on how to handle situations here on out.  We had to do that, and my Mother-In-Law and I have a far better relationship, it’s not prefect, and we’re not getting tea on the weekends, but it went from fights and crying to civilized talking, to we’re fine at events together.  But it was a good six months that we cut contact off to help her learn boundaries.  And I think it worked for us.

Post # 4
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Personally, as annoying as my Mother-In-Law is, I would never turn her away if she asked to wait in my house in the middle of the night. I’d just ask her to lock up when she left, and I’d stay in bed. 

She was obviously wrong for showing up after you said no, and for her angry words afterwards, but I would be pissed too if my son wouldn’t let me sit on his couch for awhile or use the restroom while waiting for a flight… 

But obviously she crossed a big boundary by coming and ringing the doorbell after you said no. I get that for sure. 

Post # 5
Member
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t know what she’s done in the past to be unwelcome in your home, how far she traveled from her own home to get to the airport, or why she refused to use a bathroom at the airport. As annoyed as I might be I would let my mother or Mother-In-Law in if I lived that close to the airport, but wouldn’t stay up and entertain them and would ask either to lock the door behind them on the way out.

You cannot make someone respect you, or like you, or love you. She sounds a bit controlling and too attached to her son. 

Next time do not answer the door. She’s going to keep doing what she’s doing because it’s working for her–she got her way, she used your bathroom. 

She may never stop pushing boundaries and complaining. The only thing you can do is hold your boundaries and not engage. And move. Far away. 

Post # 6
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Irrespective of your boundaries and other issues, my question is, was she alone in picking up the family member? How old is she? Does she live in the same town as you or was she just traveling there to the airport? 

The reason I ask is because my Mother-In-Law, would never stop in the middle of the night at a gas station for a bathroom break alone. She is terrified of being robbed or assaulted. If she has to travel overnight to an airport in a strange city it would never happen. She would either count on someone to drive with her or she would find a hotel to crash for the night. 

I wouldnt see it as disrespectful. I take it there are past issues with this woman. Could it be that in this case your past interactions are clouding your perception? If it was a long delay, maybe she didnt feel comfortable being alone in the middle of the night at the airport. If you arent in a major metropolis, some of those regional airports can be downright scary. 

Post # 7
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
mrsare :  Wow!  She’s Rude!  She definitely could have waited at the airport.  There are seats inside and public restrooms too!  

I wouldn’t be going out of my way to see her for a long time. I’d keep my distance.

Also, I would shut my phone off next time she tries to continue calling you and your husband.

If your husband hasn’t talked to her yet about respecting you and what you read, I definitely think he should.   

Post # 8
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I can totally understand how annoyed you are…I would be too…but you seem to be focusing a lot more energy on this than it is worth.  Has she done a lot of other things to disrespect your home?  I would need to hear some of those to form a true opinion.  While her calling and showing up in the middle of the night was rude and completely unnecessary, I think you are focusing far too much attention on this and should just move on.  You guys have made it clear that this wasn’t okay and you should continue doing that in the future.  Next time don’t answer the second call since you know there is not a true emergency or don’t answer the door. 

Post # 9
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

Nope. Set boundaries now. Take a time out from her. Go post this on DWIL if you need more help.

Post # 10
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
mrsare :  I get why you’re annoyed Bee. It’s definitely not cool that she said those things about you to your DH. My feelings would be really hurt too. However, I think you could have dealt with the situation better. It would have been a much nicer of you to let her in and tell your DH to have her lock the door when she’s ready to leave. Honestly, it wouldn’t have bothered you anymore than it already had (since your DH had already woken you up) and your MIL’s feelings wouldn’t have been hurt.  Your Mother-In-Law carried and raised your DH until he was an adult, the least you can do is make her feel welcome in your home no matter what time of day or night it is. 

 

Post # 11
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I think your husband should have a serious conversation with his mother, face to face. Don’t most wedding vows include the line, “forsaking all others”? THAT MEANS YOU TOO, MOM!

Your spouse is the #1 most important person in your life. If your spouse is being unreasonable, you work through it together – but I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all. There are bathrooms AT the airport. Why did she need to drive 15 minutes and wake you up, after you already told her you work in the morning and both need your sleep?

Personally, I would have let them in right off the bat, but that’s entirely your decision and she should should respect it.

What she said about you is entirely unacceptable. If my parents said that about my husband because I respected his wishes over theirs – I’d TEAR them new ones!

Post # 12
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

I’m amazed that your husband didn’t just ignore the text and apologize the next day, saying he missed it because he was asleep.  Passive agressive?  Yes.  Effective?  Also yes.

Post # 14
Member
765 posts
Busy bee

Hate to say it, but don’t take it personally. MILs pull stuff like this all the time. They feel threatened they are being replaced and the #1 woman in their son’s life, so they pull that whole line that she can’t be replaced and you can.

My grandma said the same things to my dad about my mom. Seems that all moms play that whole line ‘who else will I turn to?’. My mom has tried that line on me when she disagrees with my husband.

I don’t think you are going to change this woman and her attitudes, she’s playing games, she knows it.  Stand your ground! question: how is she getting into the house without being let in? If she’s got a key, change the locks! May sound harsh, but do it anyway. If she’s going to let herself in without your permission, then she’s leaving you not much choice.  She may go around telling everyone how horrible she’s being treated, but she wouldn’t be the first mom to tell people that. Lost track how many times I’ve heard it.  I know it’s as annoying as all get out, but do your best not to take it personally, and change those locks quickly- too bad if she doesn’t like it, life isn’t fair. Good luck, she sounds like a real challenge!

 

Post # 15
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Your Mother-In-Law does sound incredibly controlling, manipulative, and very insecure as she is craving so much attention and validation from her grown, married son.  The way she spoke about you is most certainly an issue.  I know some women with similar qualities, and unless they are ruling the roost, they’re not happy.

I think that at this point she doesn’t really care about your opinion of her, so sure you could say something to her but I’m not sure that it would do any good besides get you more fired up.  I think your DH definitely needs to handle this one, and put her on a time out (actions speak louder than words).  Hopefully she wises up and realizes that the most important woman in her son’s life is no longer her, as it should be.  And until she can respect that she can take a hike.

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