(Closed) Need help with Mom and dress shopping

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
14160 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The bottom line is you don’t properly have any discretion over your mother’s dress and unless she’s buying it she has none over yours. Moms don’t have to match the wedding party and they don’t have to avoid wearing the same color. 

Her attitude that you can’t buy any gown by the same manufacturer that you saw when you window shopped alone is unreasonable and seems extremely strange and controlling. 

Who is paying for the wedding and the dress? If this is what you will be dealing with, your only options may be to decline her help or try talking sense into her.

Post # 3
4104 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You buy the dress you want, and let your mom wear the dress she wants. My Mother-In-Law wore the same color as the bridesmaids, and no was mistook her for a bridesmaid. She won’t even be standing by them except for maybe one group picture.

Post # 5
10700 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
Littlebride18 :  

I think you should say what weddingmaven above  said,  to your mother . Phrase it how it seems best to you, but make clear she has no say over the colour  of your dress and you have none over hers .

Since she is not paying for your dress , nor,  I assume, are you paying for hers there is no real problem. And I would simply  ignore that nonsense about not being allowed to look at a brand  because she wasn’t there when you first did , I mean wtf?  Tell her you have thought about it again and decided it would be too limiting to cut out whole brands and/or  shops.   

Post # 6
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
Littlebride18 :  Sorry to hear you’re having stress over dress shopping. We often have such high expectations about how these special moments should happen, but unfortunately life is often a lot more complicated and less smooth!

I get that your Mum’s reaction to you having done some dress shopping without her is over the top, but I would try and look at it from the perspective that she’s obviously really invested in this and wants to find the dress with you. That doesn’t mean she can dictate how the process goes though. 

If I were you, I’d try saying to her something along the lines of ‘I can’t stop thinking about a couple of the dresses at XXX and am wondering if one of them might be the one. If I book an appointment, will you come with me and help me decide? I really value your opinion and want you there to help with my decision.’

If your Mum won’t come with you or entertain the idea of one of the dresses you found by yourself, then I think you just need to do it on your own with a clear conscience, knowing you gave her every opportunity to be involved. 

As for her dress, I think that might be one of those issues that’s best to let go of. Sure, I get why you’d prefer she wore another colour, but it’s really up to her to decide, and it won’t look bad or odd if she ends up in the same colour as the bridesmaids. You could always buy her a lovely pashmina or coloured handbag or statement necklace that might help set her look apart.

Lastly… I don’t want to come across as preachy, but I think that it’s a big leap to say that these events have you questioning whether your relationship is as good as you thought. I only point this out because I don’t want you to feel bad for no reason! Hopefully that was just a fleeting thought while you were frustrated but if not, try to remember that weddings are strange things that bring out funny behaviours sometimes. Your Mum’s thought process over the dress shopping is probably way different from what you’re imagining. For instance, she’s likely preoccuppied with trying to find a dress she feels good and comfortable in and hasn’t really clicked about the colour stuff, despite you saying about it. 

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