(Closed) NEED help with my FMIL

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

That is quite alot that you are dealing with and I’m sorry it’s stressing you out!

Is there anyway that you and your Fiance can move out on your own? I think half of your problems would be greatly diminished if you weren’t around your Future Mother-In-Law 24/7. She is providing a home for you right now and even though that doesn’t mean that she’s entitled to be the director of your life/wedding, she is around for all the decision making and clearly has a sense of entitlement when it comes to giving her opinion (as you are in her house after all).

Are you paying rent to her? While it’s very generous of them to contribute (my Future In-Laws aren’t contributing anything), would it be better used for you guys to move out?

Post # 4
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

Where do you plan to live once you get married? I honestly think I would have a low budget wedding or wait to get married and spend your money on getting your own place.

I hope things get better!

Post # 5
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

Sounds like my Future Mother-In-Law…except I don’t live with her, thankfully! But the wedding is about her, whether or not she feels that way, but it is true. Every decision we have made she has made comments about, said she doesn’t like, or doesn’t understand, or can’t see the vision. Most recently, just sent us a 4 page email lecturing us on registering for Calphalon non-stick pans. Granted we are 28 and 31 years old. After the wedding in a few weeks, she will be sat down and I will express how she makes me feel. And that I respect her, however, she needs to stand back and let us live our life as we wish, and accept our decisions we make, and quit questioning everything we do.

My suggestion is to just ignore her and let her know, politely, of the decisions you and your Fiance have made.

Post # 6
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Wow!  That’s a lot to deal with.  I’m dealing with the total opposite.  My Future Mother-In-Law has not asked 1 question about the wedding.  I’m not even sure she remembers when it is.  I am often upset with her because every time I bring it up, she acts like she could care less!  It sure would be nice if we could have a happy medium!

Post # 7
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2014

As someone who also lives with an Future Mother-In-Law exactly like yours, I totally get this.  And I’m not going to tell you to move out because, trust me, I know that conversation.  FI’s mom has always been like this, so we were a bit prepared going in.  So here’s some advice:

Step 1: Stop telling her everything.  If you give her an opportunity to give input, she will.  So don’t tell her the options you are considering and don’t tell her what you’ve decided on.  This is you and your FI’s day, not hers.

Step 2: The natural repurcussion to step 1 is the “they’re excluding me!” guilt trip.  So plan for that too.  If there is one or two particular things that she really cares about and that you’d be okay letting her have input in (read: either you tend to agree with her in this area or you and your Fiance don’t care about it at all), then let her help you plan (do NOT give her complete control) those one or two things. 

Step 3: Beware wedding planning at home.  If I have to call vendors when we’re both at home, I either send an e-mail instead, take a walk around the block, or close off all doors so she can’t overhear.  But the bigger problem is DIY because that tends to be harder to hide (I’m making cupcakes for our wedding, and there’s no way I can lock her out of the kitchen).  Do it when she’s out of the house or, if that’s impossible, use Fiance as a buffer (my Future Mother-In-Law behaves a LOT better when he’s around) and invite some of your BMs to help you to make it more awkward for her to butt in.

Step 4: If she does give unsolicited and undesired advice, ignore her as much as possible.  I know how hard this is and I always feel irrationally guilty for doing it, but I do NOT let her affect our plans.  If Fiance and I want something a certain way, that’s what we do.

Anyway, I hope that’s helpful.  And if you ever want to rant about your living arrangement with someone who gets it, send me a PM 😉

Post # 8
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ugh. Sorry about this- I know how frustrating this can be. My Mom went a little nuts like this when my FH and I first got engaged a few months ago. The worst was picking the venue out- I wanted something a little trendier like a loft space- my mom wanted country club. I had crying fits in private like you wouldn’t believe and my FH probably freaked out thinking that the rest of the year and a half engagement was going to be like that. Once the big details were hammered out and we both were happy, I learned to pick my battles. Can you throw her a few little details like favors, save the dates etc? Maybe let her plan the rehersal dinner on her own? That might get the planning frenzy out of her system. I know it feels hard at first- especially if you two have completely different creative visions, but in the end it’s better than fighting over everything. It might even make her feel better if you sit her down and acknowledge that there have been differences of opinion, and that you don’t want to fight. Tell her you still really need her help and appreciate her opinion, then maybe whip out a list of all the stuff you’d like her to focus on. If she’s got a few projects of her own, she might not bug you about the big stuff. Then when she turns to the other things that aren’t on her list- just tell her you’ve got it under control and change the subject to one of her projects.

In terms of the other stuff like who’s in the wedding party and visiting your mom, you just need to be firm about it. It’s your wedding and you know who you want to include. They had a chance to ADD people to the list, they can’t take people off. Just make it clear that this matter is in your hands and it’s your call.

Oh, and I’d try and move out of there asap. Seeing each other 24/7 definitely does not help things.

Good luck!! 🙂

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