(Closed) Need help with my SO being shady…Advice Please

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
6040 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State


Ugh!!! what a douche. Years ago, my ex husband was having an emotional affair with a girl he worked with. He used a phone I was paying for and used to spend time with her before work in MY CAR. I found out only because I found a letter he wrote to her explaining how he couldn’t be with her “right now” because we needed each other financially, which was code for he needed me financially. And basically just rambling on for 4 pages. I was not a snoop and just happened to catch him. I clearly remember that sick feeling I had. When I asked him about the letter he basically made me feel like it was my fault I was hurt because I snooped, he also said it was a “goodbye” letter. I found out a week later he wass still talking to her. Basically the point of this is that once that happened it took me ten years of good and bad to realize that that original defining moment robbed us of our future. He wasn’t all bad and I can honestly say in a lot of ways he made me very happy after that, I did marry him after all. But it wasn’t long before I realized that certain things would never change and that I would never fully be able to trust him. It was a long hard (even happy at times) road.

I would suggest first talking to him and trying to get as much of the truth as possible. Then let yourself process it all and see how you really feel. Maybe counseling (which helps a ton!). Don’t make any quick decisions. There is no “right” way to handle these kinds of things because each situation is so different. I don’t believe the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing. It’s possible he’s making some bad choices right now, the key is figuring out why. Is this just who he is? is it something lacking for him in your relationship? is it purely physical? so many possiblities and to be fair to both yourself and your relationship, it would be wise to give it some effort before making decisions out of anger or hurt. But no matter what, always put yourself first.

Post # 63
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

slpsmp:  I wish you all the best OP! You are very strong and will get through this! I am very impressed. Good for you :-)! Break ups are hard but I feel like you will be just fine! He didn’t deserve you anyway, there are plenty of good guys out there who will treat you with respect.

Post # 64
1914 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Dallas, TX

slpsmp:  Wow, I am so sorry it was a full blown affair. I can’t even imagine how much strength it took to leave him like that. So brave! You should be very proud of yourself for sticking to your guns. Thank goodness you found this out before you invested any more time in this cheater. Good luck healing and moving forward with your life. Lean on your friends and family to help you through this difficult time.

Post # 65
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow, I’m sorry, that must have been difficult for you to hear. You made the right decision for you; he could have chosen to try & work through his insecurities at any point but instead he chose to cheat to inflate his ego. He isn’t worth your time or energy.

Post # 66
2347 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

slpsmp:  You are super strong and confident – take that and run with it!!  I’m sorry this happened to you, but you’ll absolutely rise above!  

Post # 67
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh hunny, even though I know your heart is broken you handeled that like a boss.


Post # 68
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

yikes, yeah you should talk to him .. I am sorry you are going through this, hope everything works out  

Post # 69
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Wow you are strong!! I’m sorry for you about the whole situation, but it sounds like you had great composure, and bravo on sticking to your guns. Just goes to know how good a person’s intuition can be.

Post # 70
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

slpsmp:  Good for you!  Sorry you’re going through this and hurting right now, but you sound like an amazing woman and I’m sure you’ll find true happiness soon. *HUGS*  Best of luck!

Post # 71
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Briarwood Golf Course/ Country Club

Good for you!!! Your strength is amazing!!  Keep your head up…  the right person will come along at the right time and you will look back at this and think “thank god I did that… and had the courage and strength to get through it”.  I am wishing you the best and sending prayers your way. 

Post # 72
3049 posts
Sugar bee

slpsmp:  WOW! I am so proud of you!

When i was reading your response and you started to list all the reasons he said he cheated I was SO scared at the end of the paragraph I would find “so we are going to work on things” and i was already saying “no no no thats such a cop out in my head” and you surprised me by being a confident woman who knows her self worth!!

You have every reason to feel all the emotions you feel and it will be a rollercoaster for a while. There will be days you miss him, days you hate him and days you feel numb. Just stay strong and keep busy and eventually things will start to feel normal again. I am very glad you realize that life with someone who was willing to hurt you like that (no matter what the reason) is not worth it. You deserve someone who will always put you and your feelings first. 

Post # 73
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I dont know you but i feel proud! Its probably hard to go through (i never had guts in my previous relationship to do so). But this shit aint okey no matter what kind od excuse ur trying to make it okay with. chin up!! Better things are coming:-)

Post # 74
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: An amazing castle. August 2015

Well done for staying so strong while confronting him

Post # 75
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

slpsmp:  I just read your update and just want to tell you WOW! You’re pretty amazing. I don’t know if I would have kept it together the way you did. You’ll be ok, and just know that this just means you’re that much closer to finding the right person for you! Hugs 🙂

The topic ‘Need help with my SO being shady…Advice Please’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors