- 1 week ago
Wow my first post on the bee and it keeps getting marked as spam XD I’ll try breaking it up in a couple replies, maybe it’s too big 🙁
I’m new here and was looking through the forums. You all seem so helpful, so I thought I would make an account and ask for some help. It is a VERY long story – I apologize in advance!
My best friend in the world (I’ll call her Anna) is getting married next month. She is marrying a guy in the Army (I’ll call him Jack), and this guy has several friends in the military, naturally. The two of them set me up with one of his single friends (I’ll call him Tom) who lives 1,000 miles from me. In the beginning of our relationship, it felt natural and so right. Just two people with so much in common (politics, hobbies, dogs, divorced parents, etc.) enjoying talking almost every day and just really enjoying each other. At first it was through text, then we started using Marco Polo, an app a bit like Snapchat, and Skype. Within all these mediums, I really felt like our relationship was thriving.
We have since met. Tom came up here for an entire week a few months ago, met my parents, met my friends, and seemed thrilled to see where I live. The entire trip was nothing but laughter and happiness! He really bonded with my dad (they have a lot in common too) and it was overall just a great trip.
It was…when I went down to see him two months ago that things began to get a bit…odd. First thing’s first, Tom himself has been divorced (I’ll call the ex-wife Jane). He was with Jane for a year before getting engaged, then they got married a few months later, and then they were married for six years before they divorced. The divorce was finalized a year and a half before he started talking to me. The divorce was incredibly ugly.
Now, Jack warned me when he set me up with Tom that the divorce was 100% Tom’s fault, but since Jack doesn’t gossip on principle, he didn’t go into further detail. I do trust Jack with my life, so I have no reason to disbelieve this. All I cared about was if the divorce occurred because Tom cheated. According to Jack, Tom never cheated. So I was okay with proceeding, cautiously.
Since everything was going so well with Tom up until this point, I admit I had gotten relaxed in my caution. But beginning in March, when I visited his hometown, I realized that Tom was beginning to talk about Jane a lot more….and more, and more. It was all relevant (for example, I would say “let’s go to the aquarium” and he would say “Ah I went there with Jane once it’s great”) but it was happening JUST often enough that I began to get a little…uneasy. This didn’t happen when he visited me, understandably, sinceh eh as no memories of Jane in my hometown. But in his hometown, it seemed that everywhere we went, he brought up memories, always relevant but still, of her. I recognize that six years is a long time to be married to someone, and maybe he just needs time to make new memories. But I’m putting this in the story because it’s just one of the several things I’m uneasy about.
Another thing that makes me uneasy is that he refuses to call me his girlfriend. Not much else to say on that – I’ve asked what we are as a relationship, and he said that we’re just friends and maybe we’ll be something more “someday” – if he needs time, that’s okay, but I would really like to know how much time he wants. Also, he refuses to tell his half-sister about me (she’s ten) though I have met his mother. Just another thing that feels a bit odd to me. When I asked why, he said that he’s trying to “protect” his half-sister. I let it go, but I felt hurt. He doesn’t need to call me a girlfriend, but can’t I meet the girl as a friend?