Need Help with Relationship

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 16
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Girl, it’s been a year and he still wouldn’t call you his girlfriend? Wth? Too much crap going on for a year and you’re not even in a relationship! 

Post # 17
6044 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Why are you clinging to this… non-relationship? None of this is worth it. He’s 1000 miles away and wants you as a meal ticket but won’t call you his girlfriend? Yeah, not even worth the mental space to think about.

Post # 18
1970 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

No way. Get out of this relationship now. He won’t even call you his girlfriend after a year but he wants you to pay his bill? 

Post # 19
119 posts
Blushing bee


Post # 20
470 posts
Helper bee

ashmar :  

I’m a bit skeptical of these friends of yours who would set you up with Tom, knowing his flaws that caused his divorce and not even telling you about them. I would never treat a friend like that; I’d try to keep a friend I cared about away from a guy like that. Cheating is not the only way to be a bad partner.

Him not introducing you to his ten-year-old sister is the least of your problems.

He reminds me of an ex of mine. Often when I came round to visit him, he’d be in the middle of a video game. He’d leave me waiting at the gate (yes!) not even getting up to let me into the house until he’d reached a certain point in the game. I’d sometimes sit there waiting at the gate like a palouka for 10 minutes. Then, I’d get inside and it would be another 20 minutes before he’d even come through and greet me because he wanted to finish a quest (or whatever the hell). I got tired of it and eventually if he didn’t come through after 5 minutes I got in my car and drove back home.

These selfish qualities never come by themselves. They are always indicative of a larger set of flaws and of someone who cannot consider the needs and feelings of others. Him fighting you on very basic things like turning off the video game (and what adult doesn’t know how rude that is?!) and not calling you his girlfriend or calling when he says he will just shows you that he’s not relationship material.

Let him have his video games and his unemployment. But on his own. Much good may it do him.

Post # 21
1862 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

ashmar :  so some of the things you highlight as being odd – never leaving his dog and video games – I don’t see as being odd. My husband plays video games and he’s 30. I’ll sometimes play video games with him. Playing video games doesn’t have to stop in your teenage years. The dog thing, I’d prefer to take my dog with me and dating someone with a dog, the dog is going to be a big part of your life so I’d get used to going to dog places. However, we do go out without the dog and have dates without ours.

I think the dog thing might actually be related to some of his other issues though. I wonder if he has depression or anxiety and having the dog with him constantly is a part of that mental health problem. You said everything was fine until he left the military so I think there’s possibly something going on there. As for the not calling you his girlfriend, if I’ve read the post correctly you didn’t meet him u TIL earlier this year? I’d personally be hesitant calling someone my boyfriend who I hadn’t met, despite how much we talked. I know not everyone is comfortable with that and would be happy to be a girlfriend/boyfriend despite not meeting.

I do find it odd that you list having divorced parents as a thing in common though. My parents are divorced and so are my husband’s parents but in 9 years together, I’ve never counted that as something we have in common.

Post # 23
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Cortland, NY

Woooooooooooooooooooooow. Every single one of these things would bother me too (I don’t care how adorable that dog is). The dude is awful. Drop him like a hot potato. 

Post # 24
2031 posts
Buzzing bee

ashmar :  excuse me but what, and I *cannot* stress this enough, the fuck? everything about this “relationship” sounds like a dumpster fire. how old are you, bee? you need to establish first things first—you DO NOT want to be in a relationship with an unemployed, childish commitmentphobe.


can you not see now that this is why Jane left him? 


ETA: and the icing on the shitpile…he was DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!! girrrrrrrrl you better back away slowly and thank the heavens that you live 1000 physical miles away….

Post # 25
470 posts
Helper bee

happiekrappie :  

Sorry to be pedantic, but she says he wasn’t dishonourably discharged… They just declined to renew his contract due to an “incident.”

Still not good, but it is a distinction i think.

Post # 26
10196 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

ashmar :  

Sorry, Bee.  There isn’t just SO MUCH to talk about.  There’s virtually nothing to talk about.

The guy was never into this thing.  You did not have an actual relationship. But, he’s enough of a sleazebucket that you’re welcome to uproot your entire life to pay his bills.

He lives 1000 miles away—why even try to start up something?

His marriage history is sketch.

Two strikes.

He makes you a very low priority.  Strike Three.

The half sister thing, I get.  Adults should not be dragging people in and out of childrens’ lives.

The dog thing is weird, and I say this as someone who has been obsessively in love with her dogs for 30+ years.  He’s either nuts, or keeping you at arm’s length.  Or both.

There is nothing here, Bee.  Nothing.

Post # 27
2031 posts
Buzzing bee

indigobee :  yeah, I saw that and considered editing, but he was still discharged for a not-good reason so it may as well be considered dishonorable lol 

Post # 28
1665 posts
Bumble bee

Good guys can play video games in their 30s. 

But a guy who won’t make you official is not a guy worth wasting your time on. He isn’t into you. And I don’t see what you see in him. 

Post # 29
26 posts

Gee wonder why Jane divorced him.. 

Stop wasting your time on this guy hes a loser and move on, this is isnt even a relationship since he wont call you his gf and it wont surprise me at all that he has many female friends like this

Post # 30
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You don’t even have to break up with him, just “decline to speak to him again, based on incidents”.  Some guys are good at pretending for a little while. You can’t hide bad character forever.

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