(Closed) Need In Law Advice!!

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

well yes Fiance did make you look bad. you should talk to him abt what he did, as u dint bring it up with Mother-In-Law and he had suggested u drop the idea. he should have stood up for. in anycase just let Mother-In-Law know you were misunderstood and u suggested the gift so that she looks her best at her sons wedding. if she says rude things, just let it be and forget all about it.

🙂  

Post # 4
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would definitely address the situation and not ignore it, if you feel more comfortable writing a note you might do that.  It might be best to do it over the phone if not in person, just mention that you didn’t mean to offend her and you just wanted to have her share in the wedding activities and would love to have her there, and how much it would mean to you.  However she responds from there is up to her, but you can definitely be the bigger person.  I’m sorry, this sounds very frustrating =(

Post # 5
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I would do…nothing!  All that a note or discussion will do is irate her more.  This is a special kind of person  you are dealing with, one who will never be pleased or happy and will probably never like you — at no fault of your own.    I would bet my life that any attempt at apology or explanation would be viewed as condescending, hostile, or argumentative.     There are certain people you can never please.   My advice would be to let it go, concentrate on the positive things in your wedding, and accept the fact you can’t do anything to change her.    If she looks like a hot mess at the wedding, well who cares.  you dont have to frame those pictures ha ha.    When you see her, act nice like you don’t even know about it.    Good luck!!

Post # 6
Member
35 posts
Newbee

I feel like how I would handle it would depend on how he broached the subject, did he phrase it in a way that made it seem like you are going to be embarassed to have her in pictures or in a way that made it seem like you were trying to include her?  I would say something myself if he made it seem like you were trying to include her but if he was trying to pressure her into conforming to your wishes I would make him say something.

Post # 7
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah after you have words with FH you should talk to her and say that you just wanted it to be a gift from you to her. My Future Mother-In-Law has dark circles under her eyes and her hair always seems to look messy so I suggested she have her hair done when his sisters is being done (she is a bridesmaid) so maybe if you put it that way. Otherwise FH needs to make things right with his mom. Good Luck

Post # 8
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

In my experience….once the Mother-In-Law has something against you…it NEVER goes away…everything you do will have a double meaning…

Don’t do anything…and don’t apologize. Your Fiance should do the talking.

Post # 10
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’ve found the best thing to do with my in laws is to ignore what they say…. and do what I want.  I’ve stopped asking for permission and started doing things, if they say something negative…  I leave the room. 

    You don’t owe her an apology.. tell you fiance he needs to deal with his mother.  If he doesnt… maybe you should rethink you’re groom.  

Post # 11
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Yay maureen!  I absolutely agree.  It’s too bad if your Future In-Laws are a bunch of jerks, but there’s nothing you can do about it. 

My SIL is really a piece of work – although after me spending the year of our engagement basically ignoring her or calling her (nicely, and that’s a big effort) on her BS, she has toned it down quite a bit.  If she only talks behind your back, that’s great – you can completely ignore it.  If she says stuff to your face, really the best thing to do is act like you don’t care and move on.  She’s looking for some kind of drama, I would bet. 

So when she starts in about what a horrible mother you will be, rather than trotting out statistics about how babies in good daycares are actually more advanced and have better social skills that those confined at home, just say "I’m so sorry you feel that way."  And then change the subject.  If she harps about your FI’s messy apartment, tell her "It is quite bad, isn’t it?  I’m sure he was raised better."  And change the subject.  If she seems to be trying hard to tell you that YOU should do something (like clean up the apartment), just say "Well, you should definately go ahead and do that if you feel so strongly about it.  I’m just going to (read this magazine, make another gin-and-tonic, shave my head and join a cult, etc)."  Eventually she will realize she’s not getting the reaction she wants, and she will stop.  Plus, it will be funny to watch – she’s probably never been ignored like that in her life, and she won’t quite know what to do.

Post # 12
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Amen, maureen9004 and suzanno! Took the words right out of my mouth. My future in-laws are completely insane. Until I finally took a stand against them and stated my opinion, I got bullied – big time! (especially by my future MIL)  Also, my FH had to realize that it was HIS JOB to keep his parents in line. Obviously, your FH thought his mom’s hair needed help too, and he didn’t want to look like the bad guy. (Like you said, he "threw you under the bus") Hopefully your FH learns that next time and every time after that he needs to support you — even if it makes him look bad. (I only say that because my FH never wanted to look "bad" in front of his parents, so he wouldn’t confront them. He learned that just made things worse.)

And next time you see future Mother-In-Law, just be your same nice self and do not bring up the hair incident.  If she brings it up to you, I would have your FH standing next to you or nearby, so he can further explain how he messed up! You don’t need to explain yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong. Good luck. 

Post # 13
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I just saw your update! Sorry, I should read previous posts more closely. I’m glad that your FH is in agreement with you about how awful his mother is. That’s the first step!  I understand your frustration with the future Mother-In-Law criticisms. My future Mother-In-Law likes to remind me every time I see her that her son is "fat" and has "gained lots of weight" lately and that I should be cooking him more nutritious meals. She also thinks I need to actively watch his food intake and his exercise schedule. I just smile politely and nod. It’s just so ridiculous it doesn’t deserve a response. 

Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

People say marriage is the union of two people, but the reality is that it is union of both families and friends.  I honestly would try to get back on her good side.  I know it will be hard, but think of all the dreadful holidays and weekend visits for the next 20-30 years.  Here is what I suggest, say that your FH misinterpreted your suggestion (well, he put you on the hot spot first, it’s okay, he’s her son).  Say that what you meant was you wanted to treat her to a girls pampering session with some of your bridesmaids (appoint a few brave ones if not all) before the wedding.  Say this was meant as a fun gift to her for giving you her son.  Pour as much sugar on as possible.  Good Luck!

Post # 15
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s totally true that marriage unites families. (Thank heavens we don’t actually have to live with our in-laws.)  I’m going to step in again and say that actually it’s the responsibility of everyone in the family to get along.  Making yourself some kind of doormat for every criticism or hormonal whim of your Mother-In-Law is not going to make for any happy holidays – especially if it encourages her to go on treating you badly.  And please resist the urge to make yourself the designated peacemaker, as that is also a thankless position.

And quite frankly, what I heard you say is that your Future In-Laws are chronically this way.  Future Mother-In-Law isn’t upset over some isolated incident – she is just a b*tch.  Trust me, no amount of groveling (or sugar, as we might like to call it) is going to change that.  It’s just going to make you feel even worse, and if she’s the kind of person who enjoys mistreating others, it will just make her act worse.

A simple apology or explanation may be in order, but honestly if she doesn’t bring it up I wouldn’t either.  It’s your FH who put his foot in it – if you can figure out exactly what he said you may be able to help him craft an appropriate rewording.  But YOU don’t owe your Future Mother-In-Law an apology for something that HE said.  He should go do any fixing that’s needed.  Putting yourself in the middle of what are technically disagreements between him and his mother (about what a sloppy housekeeper he is, or how fat and out of shape he is) is not appropriate either.

Post # 16
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

Funny..on my first reply I was gonna say that my Mother-In-Law started hating me for no reason…she also thinks I’m a money hungry bitch…apparently she hated me all along but before she didn’t show it….

I agree with suzanno…if your Mother-In-Law is usually this way no amount of caring, ass kissing or sugar and candy will turn her around.

Ideally, families should be together and try to be nice…sometimes you just CAN’T. As heartbreakin’ as it is…it’s better to get used to the idea now than one day wake up and receive a crash course on why your Mother-In-Law hates you. I was so shocked when that happened to me….I cried for weeks!

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