Post # 1
So I asked my bff to be my Maid/Matron of Honor several months ago. She accepted excitedly, but ever since has not really been the same. She didn’t attend my engagement party bc she had ‘too much going on’. Fine – until I saw that she had gone out with her other group of friends the same night. (She does live out of town and made a comment like, if I went there, then that would mean I have to set aside a whole weekend). Made me feel like she wasn’t willing to do this. She also was late ordering her dress and I had to remind her several times. There are other incidents where she has blown me off. I finally sent her an email a few days ago (she hates confrontation so I thought this would be a fair route) and explained that I feel like something is wrong and listed all of the occurences and how I feel like that is unusual and it all just hurt my feelings. She came back very defensive (which I expected) but has turned it all around on me and is making it seem like everything that has happened is my fault. The weekend after she became Maid/Matron of Honor, we got in a petty argument which we were both at fault in, but we got over it, so I thought. She finalyl came out and told me she has been holding a grudge ever since. Through all of this, she has been very unsupportive and has now offered to step down from the wedding party. Although she was a good friend of mine, I feel like if I kept her in the wedding party, it would be more stressful for me and I wouldn’t enjoy myself as much because of all the pain she has put me through and I feel like she wouldn’t be genuine.
Should I ask her to step down? She offered to attend as a guest, but I feel like if I do that, she wouldn’t even show up (which at this point, I think that would bother me less than her actually being there at all). My other bridesmaids know what has been going on and have seen how she has been and have all offered to step up to fulfill the responsibility.
Do you think it would be ok to ask another friend to be a bridesmaid and how would I ask to make them feel like they aren’t an “afterthought”. We wanted to keep the party small and have only 4 on each side, which is why I didn’t ask this friend from teh beginning.
Post # 3
Yikes! Thats a bummer about your friend. Is there anyway you can try and work it out still? It would suck to lose a good friendship over 1 argument. I think what you should do is forget about how this will affect your wedding for a while and try and focus on the friendship. When you get a bit closer, you can re-evaluate how you feel. If it’s still a problem and she still wants to just attend as a guest, then I would let her. But if she does attend as a guest, don’t ask another friend. You don’t want that friend to feel like just a filler and you don’t want your former Maid/Matron of Honor to feel replacable.
Post # 4
While it seems as though you may consider her to be a good friend, she may not feel the same about you. If she has asked to step down, I say go ahead and let her. I was in a similar situation and kept getting the signs and continued to moved forward. On her wedding day, she was so rude and ugly to me where I wish I didn’t even show up. With that being said, your wedding day will special the last thing you want is to be upset because someone is not being supportive or fufilling their duties.
As far as her being a guest, how do you feel about her showing up, it is all up to you. I wouldn’t worry about whether she would show up or not, send the invite if you want and just wipe your hands of it and if she shows up or not don’t worry about it. If you feel that you don’t want to invite her because you feel that maybe it’s not fair or it may cause an issue then don’t invite her, it is entirely up to you. Ask your groom how he would feel if she wasn’t their maybe his opinion would help.
Lastly, do not ask anyone else to be in the wedding. I am sure they would feel like an afterthought, how would you feel if it was you? The numbers may be uneven, but will it truly matter, after all the only two numbers that matter are you and your groom. Besides, it should still look okay walking in, because all the Bridesmaid or Best Man will have attendants to walk them in, seeing the the Best Man comes in with the groom. My number will not be even and that is okay, I want the most important, and supportive people standing up there with us that day, no fillers.
Hope this helps.
Post # 5
Same thing happened to me! I asked my best friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. We have been best friends for years but she was late to everything.. If she even showed up at all. Her excuse “so and so asked me to do something first” It was so frustrating.. She would make comments about me letting her know what my plans were so she could put me in her calendar! She didn’t even make time to pick up her dress I had to do it. I had it for 2 months before she made time to try it on. She didn’t even take it with her she left it at my house. Then on my 6 year anniversary of my fathers death she asked for her dress back and told me she didn’t want anything to do with me or my wedding! Her reason? I talk about my wedding to much!! I am a lot less stressed now that she isn’t in the wedding but I am angry at her for making the first few months hell! I’m sorry you are going through this but it is nice to know I am not alone. I wish my Maid/Matron of Honor and I could have worked out our issues because I love her dearly but she wasn’t willing to. Before you make a decision maybe you should have a face to face talk with her. Best of luck to you!
Post # 6
@MrsUNClover: I’m praying that your hearts heal from each of these moments dealing with your BFFs. Because my wedding party is small, I refuse to have drama. When I selected my Maid/Matron of Honor, I had to think about everything from a “GOING THROUGH” perspective. Here’s what I mean. My fiance and I had a tough time in our dating stages dealing with an exboyfriend of mine which almost caused our relationship to end. BUT when I called my Maid/Matron of Honor, the first thing she told me was NO this can’t happen and here is why. God placed my “Boyfriend” at the time in my life for a reason. He sent him here to clean house and to restore and to move forward and that’s what’s happened. When I tell you all she listened when I cried and prayed me through this situation I mean she did it all. She’s been my BFF for the past 8 years and I am so grateful that she is asking the questions like, have you picked out a dress, what dresses have you picked out for us, and she understands that it’s my day and she also told me “STRESS WILL HAVE NO PLACE IN THE PLANNING OF THIS DAY”. We pray all the time and I wouldn’t trade her for no one else. She’s seen too much of what I’ve been through being a divorcee and a single mom of 3 and to know that God has shown favor to send me someone who loves me unconditionally. My advice in yoru situations (if you haven’t come to a decision and this is for anyone in the future as well) pray and ask God to reveal to you who he would want to stand as your witnesses (MOH, Bridesmaids). All of mine (although it’s only 3) have HISTORY of my life going from 14 yrs down to 2 years. God Bless.
Post # 7
Same situation here! My Maid/Matron of Honor just goes MIA for long periods of time. I had to remind her over and over and over again to get in to get measured for her dress so that we can place the order for all of the dresses, I really was getting worried that the dresses wouldn’t come in on time. I finally got really mad (which I don’t tend to do, I actually am a very patient person) and she finally responded to me saying, “I’m not ignoring you because I want to. I just have a lot going on right now and I can’t afford to pay for the dress and my mom won’t help me, etc, etc.” I was on the brink of parting ways, but I really don’t have anyone else to ask to be a bridesmaid (I already had to kick someone out and someone else had to back out because she’s in the Navy and will be leaving on a ship). I know my Maid/Matron of Honor is going through a lot (just lost her job, got evicted from her apartment, having troubles with her bf and family issues), so I told her I would pay for half of her dress and I will still be keeping her as my Maid/Matron of Honor.
For your situation, if it were me and she said she would step down I probably would ask her to then. Especially if you do have someone else to replace her.
Hope things go better for you in the future!
Post # 8
I don’t think that any of the BMs will feel like an afterthought. They will understand the situation. And at this point, I think it’s best that one of them take the role. They have supported you this far and through the Maid/Matron of Honor drama.
As far as your Maid/Matron of Honor, acceot her resignation fro the brial party. take a few weeks (if time permits) to cool off from the situation and consider if you want her as a guest. You need to make the decision with a clear mind. If you want her, send the invitation. If you don’t respectfully email explaining that you will be keep the wedding small and have already fille your seats. Don’t say that she is uninvited or replaced, that blocks an opportunity for future rebuilding if it happens. Just say that the chairs have been filled so it’s about space and not her.
Post # 9
Same thing happened to me when I tired planning a wedding the first time… I took right out of my wedding. There is no excuse and it shouldnt be tolerated. A true friend would never make excuses for this kind of sitation nor would they blame it on you.
Post # 10
I agree with what you all had to say and I appreciate the responses and suggestions.
I ended up discussing all of my thoughts and concerns with my Maid/Matron of Honor and although we had it out a little bit, we fortunately made up and chalked everything up to misinterpretations and misunderstandings. She apologized for makign me feel how I did but insisted that there was never ill intentions behind any of it. This all happened about 6 days ago, and ever since, she has been super supportive and has wanted to know every plans that have been made up to the last detail. (For a few months, whenever we talked, we wouldn’t even discuss wedding plans). Because of all of this, I have gotten over the past incidents because I am moreso excited about the next couple of months (before and during the wedding) and I am so glad to have my bff back. And I am not one who dwells on the past – especially if a resolution has come about.
For the ones who have responded saying they have had or are having similar situations, I would definitely recommend talking to the person. Yes, it may be that the person is just a bad friend, but you chose this person as your Maid/Matron of Honor for a reason so the best thing to do would be to work it out. It may be difficult to confront someone about hurting you, but it has to happen if you want there to be a resolution.