(Closed) Need Opinions on FMIL

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: What does the FMIL think of me?
    She merely tolerates you, because she has no choice. : (4 votes)
    14 %
    She likes you, wants you to procreate. Think grandkids! : (13 votes)
    45 %
    She likes you as his GF, but her baby is too young to be married. : (5 votes)
    17 %
    My opinion is complicated. To the comments! : (7 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    654 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I feel like she’s just conscious of her son being burned again… I was previously engaged and although I was the one to end it my family has been very cautious of anyone I’ve dated since. Unfortunately most times the good people in life seem to pay for the mistakes of others… In the end all you can do is kill her with kindness and hope she comes around once she realizes you aren’t going anywhere.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1280 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    sulaii – my mom is the same way about me. i’m still her child. drives me crazy! whenever we stay at her house, Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have to sleep in separate beds! i can only imagine what you’re going through! i still don’t know enough about your Future Mother-In-Law to make a judgement, but if you get along with her, than there’s no reason to sweat it. it sounds like she may be a little more protective of your Boyfriend or Best Friend this time around given the cirmcumstances surrounding his previous engagement. i think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is totally doing the right thing, though, by having an open conversation with his mom about marrying you before you both seal the deal. plus, it also sounds like the classic mother-son relationship where, even though she may like you and accept you, you’re not her and won’t take care of her baby in the same way she does. i agree with LtCutiPie – be super nice to her; also, the best thing you can do is show her how much you love her son and treat him well. try not to take too much offense from her comments, either, and you’ll be fine!

    Post # 5
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I say there’s no way to tell at this point.  I would consider having some “Girl Time”.  If you go get your nails done together or go shopping you can causually mention that you want to get to know her better because she seems like such a nice person and she’s been such a great mom to your guy. 

    If you are marrying this guy, you are going to get to know this women better one way or the other.  Why not try to make it as pleasant as possible and do it on your terms?

    Post # 6
    Member
    404 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    If she is talking about you carrying on the family’s last name, I don’t think you should worry about her not wanting you to be part of the family.  If she didn’t want you as a DIL she would not even bring up you having children with her son. 

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    16213 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I honestly don’t think this has ANYTHING to do with you; moreso, it sounds like she is worried about his past. Of course she is going to be protective of her son, and she doesn’t want his love life to get ugly again. But I don’t think that’s personally because of you. I think she’s just weary of engagements now. If you and SO are happy and remain that way, it should alleviate her concerns. 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    1510 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    She doesn’t like you, that is clear.  But, I don’t think she would like anyone who is with her precious baby.  Some FMILs are so clingy, etc.  I think its a power struggle sometimes.

    I think the best course of action is to be cordial to her, ignore her comments, and try to avoid her all together if possible.  Basically, don’t give her any reason to like you even less than she does now.  She sounds like she could come up with a myriad of made up reasons, why she doesn’t like you, but as long as you remain cordial and nice to her, maybe one day she will come around.

     

    I’m sorry you have to deal with this.  I think its rare that a Future Mother-In-Law and DIL ever really get along great, but just try to be the bigger person and ignore it.  It has nothing to do with you personally.  I think the idea of you is what she doesn’t like.

    Post # 9
    Member
    381 posts
    Helper bee

    I know my  Future Mother-In-Law was a little standoffish for a while.  I think the fact her youngest son moved away and is currently planning their wedding as well as her only other child bringing the first girl “home” took a toll on her for a while.  A few times while we had visited and discussed his brother’s wedding plans, she would get a very resigned look on her face and be silent for a while.  But she has really warmed up to me over the months.  We’re at a point now where we can go shopping with each other and I can handle alone time with her.  She even bought me some plates.

    I also know my Boyfriend or Best Friend has discussed us getting engaged, and I am unsure how she feels about this.  I suppose the thing is, a lot of women are very attached to their boys.  They will always be “kids” to them.  When she looks at my Boyfriend or Best Friend, she probably still sees the rambunctious kid stealing his brother’s batman toys and asking for Kool Aid. 

    In your situation it sounds like she’s fearful of him being burned, and perhaps resentful that in the prior engagement, they weren’t involved or ever advised beforehand.  I would probably have felt the same way.  Both my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are preparing our families for that moment in our own ways.

    Post # 10
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    My take is that ur Future Mother-In-Law may be just lacking in EQ or social skills. Iit may also stem from her treating everybody in her kids’ generation as her kids so she feels entitled to say whatever is on her mind without filters or regards for them. It’s hard to tell and predict whether she likes you or not. She probably likes you enough to want to you procreate for her family. Which i feel is inadequate but if everybody gets along nice on the outside, it’s fine. But what if you guys decide not to have children or are infertile? I don’t know; again it’s hard to predict. Hopefully your Fiance is close enough to his mother to know what she’s like. Does she simply say inappropriate things or does she get malicious in your back if she doesn’t get her way?

    Post # 11
    Member
    1455 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    She seems like my Future Mother-In-Law… doesn’t dislike you or love you, but can be RESENTFUL towards you for “stealing her baby” so she’ll come out with comments like those mentioned. I think if she truly disliked you, you wouldn’t be asking. She’s just being icky and passive-aggressive because he’s her baby! Just ignore it… she’ll eventually HAVE to get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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