Need Perspective/advice on Proposal ultimatum

posted 6 months ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
6107 posts
Bee Keeper

We have had talks and I have almost left him twice

Stop threatening to leave as incentive for him to propose. If you want to move on and have a life with marriage and more kids, you’re going to have to leave. Like, for real. He’s made it clear to you that he doesn’t want to get married. Threatening to leave and not also just shows him your word means nothing. 

Post # 3
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

writerbabe1990 :  Leaving the father of your child if you have an otherwise happy family to become a wife to someone else seems extreme to me. It also may seem a bit extreme to you since you haven’t gone through with leaving.

I’d suggest having a sit down with a counselor who may help close the gap between your opposing views and possibly find a resolution.

Post # 4
Member
944 posts
Busy bee

I do think it’s time for an ultimatum. Tell him that unless he commits to marriage within say… 3 months… you’re going to be leaving. That’s plenty of time for him to get a ring, even if it’s a simple one, and propose. 

When you say you’re going to leave, mean it. Threatening to leave and then not doing so is showing him that you won’t. 

It could be the case that he gets his act together when you give him the ultimatum, but it’s not likely. Start searching for an apartment or house, come up with an acceptable schedule for time sharing with your child, and otherwise prepare yourself to leave. If he changes his tune once you’re gone, at least you’re self-sufficient while you consider whether he’s going to be the partner you need. 

If you want marriage and a family, it may not be with this man, and that’s okay. It will be hard to get things handled for a while, but having the life you envisioned shouldn’t be this hard in general. You deserve the commitment of marriage. 

Post # 5
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s not going to marry you. Decide if you’re okay staying with him without marriage or whether you want to leave. Those are your options. Personally I’d go for the latter. 

Post # 6
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee

semperfi :  It’s “extreme” to leave someone who has been stringing you along for *9 years* and won’t commit even though you have a kid together? Really? I think most women would have left years ago. 

Post # 7
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It’s time to leave him. He told you he won’t marry you. Believe him. I know it’s hard, but you can’t have a future with this guy.

Post # 8
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

writerbabe1990 :  Honestly? You’ve been together for almost a decade… since you were 20 and he was still a teen… This is gonna hurt to hear, but I suspect that he feels stuck in the relationship. That is a very long time to be with the same person from a very young age… At this point, he’d either be fully committed to your life as a family, or paralysed by the uncertainty of leaving. It seems to me that the latter is the case. He has quite literally spent his entire adult life with you, including having a child at a very young age. That would make anyone feel stuck. 

Post # 9
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

Yikes. That’s tough. I would think long and hard about taking my child away from their father. This will affect your child the most: emotionally, psychologically, etc. If he’s an otherwise good provider, and he loves you both, personally, I would not break up the family. Your wants and needs are completely understandable, but did he make it clear to you he did not want more children when you became pregnant? If so, you chose to stay with him under that agreement. Besides. He’s still young. The idea of marriage and more kids may grow on him. What are his reasons for no more children at this point? Could it be financial? 

Post # 10
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2020 - City, State

I suggest going on a few dates with other men you might be interested in. If he’s not willing to lock you down with marriage, he has no right to insist you be exclusive. Either he’ll decide he’d rather you move on and have the life you want with someone else, or he’ll decide it’s time to raise his game and that he wants to keep you enough to commit to you. He can’t have it both ways.

You May also realize that you want a life with him regardless of how fast it progresses, or you may decide you’d rather go out and see new people bc your so can’t give you what you want.

This is what I did, anyway. I told my SO I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but marriage and kids were a priority for me and if he wanted an exclusive relationship with me those were my conditions. Then I went on a few dates with a few other men, made some great friends, and it got real enough for my SO that he decided it was worth raising his game, growing up, and committing. Just talking about it didn’t make it real enough, I had to act on my priorities.

Post # 11
Member
896 posts
Busy bee

Don’t even bother with an ultimatum. Essentially you’ve already done that twice by pretending you were gonna leave and then you didn’t follow through.

It’s clear that you are very unhappy without marriage, so I don’t think it’s realistic to think that you can just settle with this guy without it. And your child will see how resentful and unhappy you become (if you aren’t already) and that’s not healthy for a child to grow up with. I see it the same as divorce: don’t stay in a bad relationship for the sake of your child. 

Separate for real and go after what you want. I doubt you will find happiness any other way. I’m sorry to say it, but he’s not going to marry you

Post # 12
Member
1407 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

You deserve to be happy and your happiness benefits your child.  Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to stay in an unfulfilling relationship for your child.  Children adapt. And in this day and age shared custody is standard. You aren’t taking the child away from his father.   You’ll share time. 

Can you stay with your parents or a friend for a while?  Agree to take some time apart to decide what you both want?  It’s possible you have grown out of this relationship. Don’t threaten him.  Tell him you need time to consider what’s best for your future.  And then leave for a set amount of time.  No empty threats.  Good luck bee, it’s a hard place to be. 

Post # 13
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

If it’s already come that close twice, just leave. He’s proven that he will let you get to the brink of leaving and still won’t change his mind, so you’re much better off finding someone who wants the same things you do.

Post # 14
Member
3797 posts
Honey bee

I can’t even deal with these men who will live and procreate with a woman, but won’t propose to her. Do they not see children as a commitment? What it means OP, is that he’s actively waiting for something better to come along.

I’m sorry OP. This guy should have the word LOSER tattooed on his forehead. Take your child and leave.

Sorry not sorry for the “old fashioned” or “judgemental” view. This is not a critique of you OP. 

 

Post # 15
Member
3379 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

An ultimatum that isn’t carried out is cowardly manipulation. Stop doing that. If you say you’re going to leave, leave. If you don’t mean it, stop threatening it. All it does is show him that you’ll stick around no matter what he does, or rather doesn’t do. If you want marriage, give him a timeline. If he exceeds the timeline, you have to actually end the relationship and move on. But to be honest, I’d never want to marry someone I had to drag kicking and screaming down the aisle. I wouldn’t want “marry me or else” to be the foundation my marriage was built on. 

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