- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
Thanks everyone. I’m gonna figure it out.
Thanks everyone. I’m gonna figure it out.
Honestly, I would make couple’s counseling on this issue a non-negotiable, especially if you want to marry this man. It’s easy to rationalize this as just a few hours every month, but it’s clearly taking up much more emotional weight for you and your relationship. There is something in your relationship that is making you deeply unhappy (and for good reason); and your boyfriend doesn’t seem to want to make things better for you, even though you are the love of his life. All couples face some external obstacles, like work/life conflicts, family problems, health issues, etc that simple have to be worked around. But there is honestly no reason why this woman needs to remain in his life (which is now, by extension, your life, too).
And whether or not she wants to “get back with him” romantically is beside the point; her relationship with him is inappropriate. She treats him like a boyfriend/son/family member who can’t say no to her. She is already “back with him” in the sense that she never really left. And he is letting her do that. I know you love this man deeply, but if he is not willing to change, one year into your relationship and after you’ve moved in together, then what else won’t he budge on?
@laughs: When I read “Of course she’s not trying to get him back” I thought: She’s not trying to get him back because she already has him. They are basically in the same roles as they were when they were in a relationship, except for the sex. In which you said they hardly had anyway. They spend family time together and he dotes on her as he did in the relationship.
Have you thought about giving him an ultimatum? Are you afraid that if you did he would choose her over you?
There are so many ‘off’ things about this scenerio.
What bothers me the most is the fact that your SO realizes how uncomfortable you are with his relationship with his ex and he still continues the communication. And worse, he tries to push her on you to become friends. If I were him I’d think to myself is my past relationship worth keeping more than my current relationship?
I think you need to do more than a superficial “we promise not to talk about you” conversation. Sit with your boyfriend and brainstorm. This is a tough situation but it sounds like all 3 of you are on the same page, that you want to make things work without encroaching on someone else.
I don’t have ideas for you as this is not a situation I have ever been in. But DO talk with the bf and figure it out. If you can handle it, invite the ex and the three of you can come up with a system. It’s rough, but even if the kid isn’t his, I understand him wanting to be a part of her life…which means the ex comes with it.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I agree that it’s not a good situation, but I also don’t want to leave the man of my dreams over this. Almost every time we’ve discussed this has been in a big fight, because it wouldn’t come up until it was a fight.
Well, yesterday I very calmly told him that I wasn’t mad at him, but this situation was making me very sad, and that I don’t want to break up, but I can’t keep being sad about this forever, and I need to be his number one always, etc. He was very sweet and said things like “you’re not my number one, because there’s no number two, you’re the only one” and other nice stuff, and promised he would make it better.
Now, I don’t know what that’s going to mean, but I’m hoping that it’ll appeal to his “fixer” side, and the fact that I talked to him calmly will make it different than if it was just a fight.
I don’t know what’s going to happen yet… if he DOES see her again, it won’t be for over a month anyway, so I’m notgoing to nag and press the issue, I’m going to see what happens. I have no doubt about how comitted he is to me, and I know he wants to make me happy, so I’m just going to try to trust that he’ll do that.
It sounds like you’re walking on egg shells in this relationship.
@petalpetal: what do you mean by that?
I am seriously SO HAPPY with my SO. I know I came here asking for advice on a tough issue, but I by NO MEANS feel like my relationship is in danger. I hate dealing with this woman, but my SO does NOT treat me badly, he is very caring, and works really hard to make me happy.
ETA: I appreciate everyone’s advice, and I agree that it’s a shitty situation! I am honestly trying to work on it/deal with it. We are both in therapy (separately, have been since before we met) and are very open about talking to each other about difficult things.
I talked to him, he says he wants to make it better. I love him, everything is great, I can deal with one small issue. And if we can’t deal with it? Sure, we’ll break up. But I am far far far far far from thinking about that or even considering it as a possibility.
@laughs: What about your future? Like other posters have said, is that girl going to be your flowergirl, is that woman going to be taking away time from your marriage? Right now it seems like she at least has some role as wife to him. I don’t buy this motherly crap. The fact is that they did have sex and they still continue to have some sort of relationship. He can’t let go of her. If he really cared about you completely, he wouldn’t think much about cutting her out.
What about when you have children? Is he going to spend time with this girl instead of yours or is he going to try to force your children to be friends with this girl and therefore tying you closer to this woman?
I would give him an ultimaturm. Once a month is a huge deal to spend with a woman he used to have sex with. I think you’re forgetting that no matter what he says about her being a mother, they used to date and they used to have sex.
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