(Closed) Need serious opinions and advice!! PLEASE!!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I totally get why you want her there, but it is your vow renewal and she is not responsible for helping you if she doesnt want to. Because its a renewal of the vows the excitement that people may have had the first time around is going to be significantly less. In fact, they will find this much less important than you do.

Now that doesnt mean you shouldnt renew your vows, but be prepared for most people to think its just a party.

Post # 4
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@missdorado26:  You aren’t doing anything wrong. You extended an invite, and she declined. Now that you know she isn’t especially fond of planning, you know not to ask her because she will say no. If she continues to say no, it will continue to hurt your feelings, so just put an end to that cycle.

Enjoy the time you have planning with those who are happy to make plans with you. Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to be excited, and not everyone is going to drop everything to help. She may be less than thrilled because your union was made official 4 years ago, and to her, this is extranious. She’s entitled to her opinion, and you don’t need to surround yourself with negative people. 

Have fun making plans, and I hope your event turns out the way you envision it.

Post # 5
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@missdorado26:  I understand where you are coming from. I’m not married to my fiancee yet but he is deployed, as well. I think your family feels unobligated to help you because you are already technically married. No one will be as enthusiastic as you are about planning your wedding. I think since you’ve discussed your feelings with your family and they haven’t changed, it’s unlikely they are going to change. While you are excited about your wedding, they are still trying to live their lives. Do I personally think they should help you more? Yes, I do but that won’t change how they feel. From your post, it seems as though there is some tension between you and your sister. How supportative were you with her wedding? Maybe her husband wants her to spend the time she has available on the weekends with him. What have you done for her lately? I really think sometimes when we want to receive, we have to give. Sometimes, people won’t return your friendship but at least you did your part by being a friend.

Do you have other people outside your family who can help you? What about other military wives?

I’d recommend trying to be a friend to your sister, maybe take her to lunch or go see a movie together. I’d also suggest asking other friends for help. I know you want your family to but it sounds like some mending needs to take place somewhere.

If nothing else, try on dresses and post some photos of your dresses on here for the other bees to help you with.

Post # 6
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I totally understand wanting someone to do these things with, usually it would be with a fi/hubby,. You can’t force an enthusiasm she doesn’t feel and your only making you both unhappy. Maybe set up some skype appointments with your hubby to go over things every few days. Someone who will be as excited as you are. It seems normal to me that your sister just has her own things going on and just isn’t into weddings. 🙁

Post # 8
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

How many ways do you need her to tell you that she’s not into it? Let her off the hook here. I’ve been her in various situations & she will pull away from you because it gets frustrating to have someone constantly trying to convince you to do things you don’t want to do. Plan your vow renewal (yes, that’s what it is) and let her participate as much as she wants. 

Post # 9
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It is a vow renewal. By definition a wedding is the ceremony of a marriage. You are already married so technically you cant have another ceremony of a marriage. You may not have had the big wedding, but it was a real wedding complete with legal papers, court and reception at a restaurant. Just because it wasnt as you dreamed, that doesnt mean its not a “real wedding”. Some people dream of weddings exactly like yours was.

If no one else was involved in the other wedding and you didnt have a 20 person celebration afterwards, they may treat it more like a wedding but to those guests you already married and celebrated it 4 years ago. 

You should have fun with this vow renewal and wear the dress you want and have the party you want, but be sure to treat it as a vow renewal and not a full on wedding (IE bachlorette, shower etc) because I suspect you will get a lot of pushback since you have been married for 4 years and everyone knows it.

Post # 10
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with PP that you’ll probbly get a lot further treating this as a vow renewal. You did have a wedding – walking down the aisle in a dress is not required by law. If you treat this party as a vow renewal, you can still have a lot of the elements that you’re after without having to defend it as a wedding.

If you can get behind this new perspective, maybe try talking to your sister about and see what her thoughts are and if she might want to have a role.

Post # 11
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, it’s definitely a vow renewal and not a wedding.  It’s going to be really hard to get people behind you on this one, and not just your family.  I imagine many people will be wary if you continue to call it a wedding, and I think many people will not want to buy you gifts (or at least gifts like they would have if you weren’t already married).  It sucks that it’s like that, but unfortunately, I think the easiest thing for you to do is temper your expectations a bit.

Post # 12
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Definitely a vow renewal… it’s smart that you didn’t spend money you didn’t have 4 years ago, but other people will probably look at it as a big party at this point. Shower/Bachelorette/Registry would seem excessive at this point, given that the celebration of your marriage already took place. Make it as big and elaborate as you want it to be, make it your dream day, but understand that not everyone will see it the same way.

Post # 13
26 posts
  • Wedding: April 2013

It is a vow renewal – you did have a wedding.  It was small, in a courthouse and you celebrated over supper with close family, and you have been married for 4 yrs.  That was your wedding, this will not be your wedding.

I agree with an above poster – HAVE FUN with this! Do what you WANT to do!  Wear something that makes you feel fabulous!

As long as you are celebrating your marriage and not recreating your chance to be ‘The Bride’ you’ll have support from the people around you because they love you and are happy that you and your husband are happy and deciding to renew your vows.  They might not want to help you plan or tie favors or stuff invitations, as the party planner that is your job and not their responsibility – but I bet they will support, smile, congratulate you, and celebrate with the two of you come party day.  That is what having them there is for. 🙂

Have fun planning!

Post # 14
1330 posts
Bumble bee

I completey agree with the posters above that this is a vow renewal. Especially considering the time that has elapsed. If it were six months later, and then  more formal reception were planned, I am sure the response would be different.

While I understand completely your desire to redo the ceremony and have a proper wedding, using the money towards future children, home, retirement, etc etc may be better used. While it is wonderul to celebrate the now, planning for the future (which can be financially bumpy even with the most stable of jobs) would be the more responsible thing to do.

Given your sister’s response and attitude, it seems she is not on board, and I do not think you should have a Maid/Matron of Honor, wedding party, etc. It is, in my opinion, overdone and I don’t see how this can be seen as anything but a blatant self-serving way to receive gifts. (from the outside–THIS IS NOT my personal opinion, but if I put myself in your guests shoes…)

I think it would be definitely more socially appropriate for you to shop alone for your  vow renewal dress and have a gorgeous ceremony. Also, I think people would be more into it, as they already know you are married. I cannot imagine people getting excited over you exchanging fake vows (ones you already have promised to one another four years ago).

I urge you to please re-think your approach to this, and trust me, I am completely understanding of why you would want this. My first wedding I didn’t have a honeymoon and I regretted it big time. I know that nagging regret.

Yes, I do empathize that you didn’t get a day like most brides do, and I am so sorry this happened. But please treat this occassion as a different sort of event and make it special for your guests as well.

If you insist on calling it a wedding, maybe just go away and do this by yourselves and throw a big party for the 2 of you. Would you really want to “celebrate” with people who are not on board?

I was a Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding this past weekend where the Band G were living common law for 5 years, together seven. The cousin of the B walked up to her at the reception and said “I dont get it. Why even bother with all of this, wedding…reception stuff since you have been together and lived together so long?” Of course he came for the free booze and food…but then complained.

Some of your family members may be complacent, some may truly be excited, however,  I think before you go into this big party planning mode, I would ask your immediate family what their thoughts are on the idea, nad if they think it would be received within the family.

They know best, and can advise you. If it won’t be, then don’t bother. Go on an elaborate honeymoon or do a destination wedding to Paris or something…people will naturally join in and celebrate with you and you might get more of that wedding feeling with a group of strangers than your relatives, at this point.

Post # 15
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When you went to the courthouse, that was the wedding.  It may not have been what you dreamed, but big white dresses, bridal parties, fancy receptions aren’t what make a wedding valid.  So what you are planning now is a vow renewal.  And I agree with PPs that if you will probably get more support if you call it a vow renewal as opposed to a wedding.

As far as your sister goes, you are just going to have to accept that she doesn’t like weddings and she doesn’t want to help and stop asking her to do stuff with you.  It’s not ideal and I understand you’d really want and appreciate her help, but if she doesn’t want to help, then you can’t make her.  I don’t think you are being selfish for wanting her to come, but it would be selfish if you harassed her and make her feel guilty for not coming.


@HeadsGal:  As long as you are celebrating your marriage and not recreating your chance to be ‘The Bride’ you’ll have support from the people around you

This is solid advice on how to plan your vow renewal.

Post # 16
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I definitely agree with everyone else. Temper your expectations down as this is a vow renewal, not a wedding. 

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