(Closed) Need some advice.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I think you should believe him when he says he’s not ready to marry you. It’s not your fault that he’s not ready and it’s not your fault that he spent so long jerking you around before he finally told you that he’s not ready.

Post # 4
Member
4915 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@VAwife:  +1. He gave you a timeline (2-3 years). You can either take it or leave it. It’s entirely your choice. 

If he’s really The One, does it matter if there isn’t a ring for another couple years? 

Post # 5
Member
9190 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Do you know this is a long-term, forever type relationship?  Do you know that he feels that way too?  If so, you might just have to go with his timeline.  That’s pretty much what I did – we got together when I was 17, spent some time apart / broken up whie in college because we didn’t want to tie each other down, have lived together for the past 7 years, and just got engaged this summer.  We both knew for many years that this was the real deal, but he basically needed to feel settled into a career with a sense of being able to provide for me / a family before he could wrap his head around marriage.  I wasn’t antsy to get married at all until the last couple years and then started needling him a little bit.  I knew that he wasn’t just jerking me along as the previous poster said – that he wanted to be with me forever but couldn’t transition to marriage quite yet.  It may not make sense to us but everyone has a different perspective and marriage really just freaks some guys out.

Anyway, that’s a little rambling but I’m hoping my perspective could help.  Some people will say if he’s not ready to marry after this long, walk away.  But I think that if you both know your relationship is a forever thing, you really can’t imagine anyone better for you, and you know he feels the same way – BUT he really isn’t comfortable with the idea of marriage quite yet – wait it out…

Post # 6
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I was in almost the exact same situation as you, and he finally proposed last month (we’ll be celebrating 9 years together next month).  I got on his case constantly, and he always said he would, but wouldn’t give me a timeline.  He was also in graduate school (he was in a PhD program for 6 years), and we also moved to another city.  So, I was very frustrated, too.  My advice is to not harp on him too much, because you want him to propose to you for the right reasons, not because he wants to get you to stop asking him about it.  I know it’s hard waiting for him to be ready, but it sounds like he’s worth keeping around and waiting if you’ve been together so long 🙂

Hang in there, it will happen!

Post # 7
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@mepayne:  I think it matters. The OP may be wanting to accomplish her own goals, like having kids, instead of waiting around. 

OP, it’s not your fault that he’s not ready. But 2 – 3 years sounds like no timeline at all to me…like enough time to be vague. Do you want to be with him if you never get married? If he doesn’t know after 7 years, I don’t think the prospects are good. 

Post # 8
Member
4915 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

@AlwaysSunny:  It would matter for me too, but it doesn’t necessarily matter to everyone. Just a question for her to consider. 

Post # 9
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@AlwaysSunny:  +1. That’s my take on the situation too

Post # 11
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly seven years is plenty of time for him to know. Does he think his life is over after marriage? How will you feel in 2-3 years if he still isn’t ready? I guess only you know how serious he is. If it were me I would ask him not to string me along and let me know now if he wasn’t sure I was the one. I would rather know now than later. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
65 posts
Worker bee

@lilymarie23:  I am sorry that you are going through this. I think you need to establish what the real issue is in him not wanting to move forward. Is he young? Does he say he wants to marry you or does he say he doesn’t know? 2-3 years is a long time but it is do-able. IMO you have put a lot into this relationship and he should know by now if this is it or not. 

Post # 13
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@lilymarie23:  Oh, I had my moments where I melted down and sobbed for a few hours straight.  At points I went from hysterically crying, to being extremely angry, to being depressed and not eating.  Every excuse went through my head, from my weight, to my income, and all sorts of nonsensical excuses.  This is especially true the last year or so, especially after his cousin got married and I started feeling more pressure from both of our families.  I found a post similar to yours on a message board (not this one), where there were lots of girls in my situation.  It made me feel tremendously better, and helped me focus on our relationship and future as a whole, instead of focusing on a wedding.  

Remember to keep your lines of communication open with him, and work on ways which will make your future stronger.  For example, my Fiance and I opened up a joint checking account together, we started saving for a house, and we discussed a timeline when we would get married and possibly start having kids.

Hang in there.  I don’t think that the waiting gets easier, but knowing that there are others in the same boat will make it more tolerable. *hugs*

Post # 14
Member
9190 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I am so sorry  🙁  I know that’s a tough situation.  We actually first got together 12 years ago although we spent time apart working, etc – the last 7 living together.  So yeah, it took a full 12 years to get engaged.  I guess I just always had faith that because we had a fantastic relationship and wanted to spend our lives together, that would translate into marriage down the line.  Some people might think that naive, but I also had never wanted to get married young.  I only started to feel antsy around age 28, 29 (I’m now 30).  I agree with others that only you can really know if he’s just stringing you along.  I knew that we both had similar perspectives that this relationship was the best thing in our lives and the real deal, but marrige didn’t feel necessary.  For us, being married or not did not define a lifelong partnership and we were just really happy to be together (as it sounds like you are).  It sucks sometimes, but just try to focus on that for now?  I agree that having an open line of communication is key.  Can you try to talk to him about it, and why he does not feel ready, WITHOUT pressuring him?  Good luck love  xox

Post # 15
Member
11374 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

My personal thoughts on this topic are that, for couples who are not already in agreement regarding the issue of marriage and/or a timeline for marriage, living together often allows the person who is not ready for marriage the opportunity to enjoy many of the benefits of being married, without having to take the step of actually getting married, therefore allowing the person to continue to delay having to make a decision about marriage.  This usually ends up making the other person increasingly more frustrated and upset and even resentful.

(I always try to be forthcoming in disclosing that I personally oppose living together and having a sexual relationship outside of marriage because of my faith.  However, when I answer questions such as yours, I set this aspect aside and focus on the practical issues relating to what I wrote in the paragraph above.)

As prior posters have suggested, you really need to decide whether or not you’re willing to continue to be in a relationship that may not include marriage for several more years or perhaps ever.  If the answer is no, then you may want to consider taking some steps to address that. 

Post # 16
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Brielle:  I have to agree with this. Have you thought about moving out, OP? If he’s not going to be ready for several years, you should probably focus on yourself. That way, if you’re not married after 10 years together, at least you have your own apartment, hobbies, friends, etc.

Still, I’m guessing he’ll realize he needs to stop dragging his feet when he can no longer get the marriage benefits without the marriage commitment. 

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