(Closed) need some advice

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I really think you need to distance yourself from him for awhile (much longer then two weeks) and take that time to focus on yourself. Go meet people and join a fitness class. Personally, I would also delete my facebook account and stay off social media for awhile. I know its hard, but yes the pain does go away.

Post # 4
Member
9953 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lostsad:   I’m sorry you’re hurting right now.  I know breakups are hard.

You need to accept that your relationship with him is over.  Be glad it’s over because it was a toxic and unhealthy relationship and both of you deserve better.

Do some soul searching into the way you treat other people so the next time you meet someone you’ll have something good and healthy to offer them.  Relationships are about mutual give and take.  You cannot expect anyone else to “make you happy” – that is YOUR responsibility, not another person’s.

Please get some counseling for yourself to help get over the breakup and also to help you learn some healthy communication and relationship skills.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 5
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lostsad:  First of all, I am so sorry that you’re going through this, my darling! ((Hugs))  But let me offer you a little advice from someone who was EXACTLY where you are 7 years ago.  I was in college and had been dating a guy since senior year of high school.  We dated all through college up until my last semester.  We got engaged and then 8 months later I had to call it off.  I won’t bore you with the details, bc it doesn’t matter now, but I went through these exact same emotions.  I was so relieved that it was over, but absolutely devastated at the same time.  I was depressed for months afterwards, even though I knew that I had done the right thing.  It didn’t feel like that hurt would ever go away!  I promise you it does 🙂  I know that you know this, and you’re going to hear it a million times before you realize that it’s true, but just know that even though the pain is paralyzing right now, every day it will get a little better. 

One of the best pieces of advice that I can offer you is, if you are 100% that you’re done (or when you get to this place with things) CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER!  Best thing I ever did!  Even though I had my ex’s # memorized, I didn’t call him…ok that’s not entirely true…I did the crazy call from a blocked number and hang up after hearing his voice, but it only happened the one time 😉  and I had been drinking!  But I never knew if he tried to contact me and I’m so much better for it.  Also, block him on any and all social media (for me it was MySpace back in the day haha!).  You’re going to be fine, I promise!  Surround yourself with good friends and family and lean on them right now.

Post # 6
Member
4518 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@lostsad:  Major hugs.

I’m so sorry… getting over a break-up is one of the hardest things, I think. I don’t know what to say except that I’ve been there, and it sucks. You will cry a ton and you will feel like you’ll never meet anyone else. But I also know that these things do work out for the best. Someday, probably not now, but in time, you’ll meet someone else and wonder how you ever dated anyone else. Just from reading your post, it sounds to me like you guys loved each other a lot, but that breaking up was probably the right move in the long run. 

Post # 7
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think you definitely need time to heal. On the bright side, at least he is caring enough to make sure you are still happy and not a crazy guy making it harder for you intentionally. I think first-time relationships are the hardest when they end, from what I’ve heard from everyone. Keep yourself busy, positively, and try not to dwell on it too much. It’s going to take time for you to come to understand it all, but you will get there. Stay away from social media or connections to him so you don’t upset yourself further. In the long run you will understand that the relationship wasn’t what you may have wanted it to be, but that it’s healthier for the both of you to not fight like that anymore.

Post # 8
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@lostsad:  Aw honey it’ll be ok.

I think deep down you needed this to happen. It isn’t healthy to fight all the time. Part of it could be that you two are just really young… I know I had a lot of fights in my relationships when I was in my early 20s (I assume that’s what you are).

I would delete him from Facebook. Don’t torture yourself. It’s hard, but it’s harder to see him pop up all the time.

You may end up reconciling down the road, or you may end up as friends, but for now, you need to stop the constant reminders.

You don’t want to be in a relationship where you have lots of doubts and lots of fights. Been there, done that.

Stay single for a while. You will learn more about yourself.

Hopefully in your future relationships you won’t have to resort to hanging up the phone etc. (kinda immature).

It’ll be ok!

Post # 9
Member
4575 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@lostsad:  This may not make sense right now, because you are still hurting and Im sorry for that, but maybe him breaking up the relationship was the best that could happen for both of you…for what I read it sound like you two care about each other in a not very mature way.  It sounds like you both have a lot of growing up to do.  Im sorry I dont mean to come out mean or rude.  I feel your pain, I’ve been there.  I was with my high school sweet heart for so many years and our relationship was a lot like yours.  Always fighting.  Unitl i finally broke it off, yes, it hurt like a “B” and thought i was never going to find someone else and felt like i made the biggest mistake and should go back and ask him to take me back, but once you start healing and start meeting other people (this might take sometime) you will see that you deserve better and you want someone that’s going to hug you when you cry and not fight with you about everything and will go on for more than 2 weeks or 2 months without fighting and you will find yourself not getting mad at everything anymore.  Try to stay away from him, so you can heal your heart.  I wish you the best, hun, and again please don’t think im being rude or mean, i just know how you feel.  I found someone wonderful and im married to him now, close to a year and hopefully have kids soon.  GL xoxo

Post # 10
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with some of the other posters.  I am sorry you’re hurting, but it will get better.  If you are dating someone and you are arguing most of the time and you make each other sad (regardless of whether you think you could make each other happy), breaking up is probably for the best.  Even if you love him.  Sometimes love makes us stay with ppl we might have had no business dating in the first place.  Instead of seeing each guy and each relationship for what you imagine they could be at their best, it’s more realistic and helpful to just see them for what they actually are.  

We don’t imagine stuff for gfs so why imagine stuff for guys?  Meaning- if you have a gf & just fight with her all the time and she makes you feel bad about yourself, would you stay best friends with her just because you think she could theoretically be a nice person and you could theoretically have a good relationship? No.  Because she isnt’ and you don’t.  So you’d grow apart and move on.

Dating relationships really shouldn’t be such hard work.  Often when we think we need to put so much work and so much effort into a dating relationship, something isn’t right and it is probably best for the 2 ppl to go their separate ways, heal, learn what a good, healthy relationship is, and find someone who works with them.   Best of luck- it will get better.

Post # 11
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I gotta say your relationship should have ended ages ago. Like a year ago. It doesnt sound like either of you are emotionally ready for a relationship and it also sounds like you two had very different goals.

Least he had sense enough to end the emotional roller coaster.

This is the time to take stock of what is important in a relationship and also how to better yourself. It sounds to me like there was alot of emotional blackmail on your part. That doesnt belong in any relationship. It isnt fair to you and it isnt fair to them.

He is right that fighting every couple of weeks isnt normal. If you have already given it a chance and it was still continuing count yourself lucky that one of you had the sense to end it.

Some people just dont mesh and blend.

Yes it hurts, emotional relationships with alot of ups and downs tend to hurt you more because your used to all the drama. So figure out what you want out of a relationship and then look for someone who meets your criteria. Also if your into drama your gonna find alot of drama.

Quick story. I used to work for a battered womens shelter. After all they would suffer you would think the peace that a shelter offered would make them happy to be away from their abusive husbands. However we noticed that the more abusive and traumatic and dramatic the relationship was the more the woman at the shelter stirred up drama. What was happening was they had become so used to the uproar and chaos that they didnt know how to deal with the peace and quiet at the shelter so they would create uproar with other women in the shelter.

You need to learn that drama doesnt equate to love in a relationship. Love is being understanding and caring, being compassionate. Its not necessarily about grand gestures. If you think it is, then you definitely arent ready for a relationship. Men dont like drama and relationships wont last were there is alot of drama.

Good luck to you and hopefully you will begin to feel better soon.

Post # 13
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

OMG girl I have been there. I think it’s safe to say we all have. Two things will be your best friend: gym and time. Go to the gym! You will feel sooooo much better. Go out with your girl friends, flirt with men even though it’ll probably remind you of your ex. I know it’s fresh but it sounds like it was inevitable. Delete him off your fb, change your status, delete the pics and then go take it out on a punching bag or treadmill. You are going to feel miserable for a week but it will start to get better I PROMISE. This is coming from a girl who used to avoid driving past Subways because my ex ate subway for lunch almost every day.

You are still so young, you will meet your husband eventually but you need to experiences different people and different things before you settle down! Take it as starting fresh 🙂

 

The topic ‘need some advice’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors