Post # 1
And it is mortifying to me!! My parents are mostly paying for the wedding…FI’s parents are each kicking in some money, and we have kicked in some money of our own as well. So I understand that it’s a big outlay of money for them, but what I don’t understand is the need that my Mom seems to have to tell everyone how much our vendors cost! It is absolutely mortifying to me, and I think I might actually die of embarassment if she does it AT the wedding…so I need to put a stop to it soon.
The biggest thing that irritates me is that, when anyone compliments our engagement pictures, instead of just accepting the compliment (or letting me accept the compliment, if I’m with her), she immediately responds with ‘they SHOULD be nice, for what we’re paying her…do you know how much she costs??’ Why, why why would someone feel the need to do that? I really want to understand the rationale behind it, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t! Does anyone out there have any ideas that might help me understand why she might be doing this? I know that our photographer is expensive…I also know that I wasn’t going to book her initially because she is very expensive…but at my parents’ urging, I finally did book her, because even they liked her photos so much more than anyone else we had found.
So I know that I need to talk to her about it…but I really don’t even know how to say it in a way that won’t offend her, since she and my Dad are paying for like 80% of the wedding. It’s just her personality that she’ll take it personally (I’m that way too, so I know where I get it from!), but I really feel like something needs to be said because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Any ideas??
Thanks for listening, bees…I appreciate it!
Post # 3
Sorry you have to suffer through this. What’s really unfortunate is the fact that it’s your parents who are paying for a lot of it, so if your mom wants to tell the world what she is spending her money on then I guess she has that right. That being said, the one thing you can do it talk to her about how you feel when she does this. I suggest you do it in the least confrontational way as possible. I would start off by saying something like this, “Mom, I notice that the past few time people have asked about (venue, dress, whatever), you tend to tell them how much it costs. How come? (Don’t say “Why?” Saying “why” often triggers flight or flight in people, so they tend to get defensive). Be genuine when you ask her “how come?” as you would be when asking someone anything you are interested in. Hopefully this will open up as to why she is doing it so you can genuinely understand. Then let her know that you understand her AND that at the same time when she does this it makes you really uncomfortable. Ask her to help you, “Mom, I need your help. Can you please not do that anymore? (or at least not at the wedding). Most importantly, no matter what you say keep calm! It sounds like your mom is emotionally reactive to confrontation, so smile and ask her to help you. Hopefully she won’t read your request as accusation. Good luck!
Post # 4
I agree with PP. Tell her that it makes you feel bad when she says things like this, especially since you are so appreciative that your parents are paying for it. Comments like this put you on the spot.
She may not realize how hurtful the comments are, but I’m sure once you say something non-confrontational, she’ll curb it.
Post # 5
Agree, focus on how it makes you feel and that you worry that guests will be adding everything up at the wedding ha, if you stay non confrontational and just say ” please for me don’t do this anymore” maybe she’ll comply.