Post # 1
I have been on weddingbee a few times and commented on other posts (with different account) but have decided i need some advice of my own as i am very distraught right now.
For the purpose of this post I will call my Darling Husband Brian
A little background: i got married young-at 22. we have been married for a little over 3 years. We have been together since we were 15. When we were 20 we took a break from eachother as we were fighting a lot and I feel like I needed to experience college being single. We went to the same school, but had different sets of friends. During our break I began hooking up with one of my guy friends. After being apart for about 3 months Brian and I began talking again and realized we wanted to be together. I never stopped having feelings for him while I was with other guy.
I told Brian I had been hooking up with this other person because I wanted to be honest-he was a little jealous. Before we decided to get back together I asked him if he wanted to have time to explore new relationships. We were young and I did not want him regretting not having that college sex life experience-if that makes sense. Brian told me he only wanted me. We had our ups and downs, but ended up getting engaged and married-our parents wanted us to wait, but it felt right to us.
The first two years of our marriage were perfect-both have good jobs, living a great life. However, things got rocky in our third year and in the last 6 months went from bad to worse. Brian started going out with single friends-which I dont mind, but it was becoming too much. I saw him changing and I did not like it. We were fighting constantly. I told him I needed some time away to clear my head and I wanted him to take some time to think about what he wanted with our relationship. He begged me not leave, so I agreed to just go to a friends house for the weekend-as I was fuming over a fight we had and needed to cool down.
This was three weekends ago and I just found Brian cheated on me. when i came home that sunday night we had a talk and i thought things were good with us. Then the next day I got a text from a mutual friend and he told me about the cheating. I didnt beleieve the friend but he sent a pic of brian all over this girl. I confronted Brian and after denying it he came clean. I have never felt so hurt in my life. To make it worse it was with a girl who always had a crush on him-and he knows this.
I just dont know what to do. I dont want to tell my family or friends yet because I am embarrassed that MY HUSBAND did this to me. Brian said he feels bad, but part of me doesnt believe him. He knew this girl liked him and he chose to be with her that night. I am just at a loss right now.
Post # 3
@confusedbee45: your husband picked this girl because he knew that she liked him. he didn’t want to be rejected.
it’s up to you but i don’t think i could handle this. it’s time to have a serious talk about your future together and where you see it going.
Post # 4
@confusedbee45: *HUGS* It sucks to feel betrayed. I think you both should try some couple’s counseling and seriously talk about how you feel about this, each other, and your relationship. Best of luck to you both.
Post # 5
@confusedbee45: I know I would never be able to recover from this unless there were extreme amounts of counseling, on both parts, invovled and I don’t even know that I would stay after that.
I agree with PP though. You need to sit down and have a very long talk about whether this marriage is something both of you still want.
Post # 6
@confusedbee45: I’m sorry to hear about this. I went through this 3 years ago, I found out and he denied and denied. I involved his mother since she was the only one besides me that knew him well enough, and I was TOO embarrased to tell any of my friends. Infact, to this day I have never once told one of my friends why it really happened. This was a personal problem between him and I. He moved out to a friends house, we arranged everything to split up- I saw a lawyer about spliting our house and selling it. My parents brought him my list of wants etc. We didn’t talk for a month- I was heartbroken.
I went to a councelor on my own. It was such an amazing feeling to have an unbiased opinion from someone who had no idea who we were. He gave me words of wisdom and helped me come to the decision that I knew people make mistakes, some worse than others, but that I emotionally could let go of the hurt if he put the effort in. We began talking, taking it slow. I continued councelling and only gave him as much as I wanted.
Finally one day I saw the hurt in his eyes. I invited him to move back in after 4 months but he was to do it on my terms: new phone number, no facebook, no hanging out with those people and counceling.
Alot of good came from the hurt. I’m not sure how far the extent of the cheating went for him- whether it was a kiss, communication or full blown sex. But only YOU know how much you can handle. PLEASE remember YOU have no reason to be embarrased, only he does. You did nothing wrong and it is NOT your fault it happened.
Post # 7
@confusedbee45: Id say get out while youre young, dont have kids and can start over. Even if he loves you his love clearly wasnt enough to make him be faithful.
Post # 8
@subtlebee: I hate when people suggest you ‘get out’. She never said the circumstances around his infidelity or even to what extent it went. What if all he did was grope this girl while he was drunk- then you say end a marriage and find someone new?
Post # 9
I don’t know that it would help if I were in your situation, but maybe you two could try counseling. That might be a way to help you work past it.
Post # 10
@KKG: He knew this girl liked him and he chose to be with her that night.
he chose to be with her that night says he did more than heavy petting in my eyes. And in my view if he cheats then he has broken the most important covennt of marriage, trust. I trust my SO with my heart and life. The least he has to do is be faithful and loving. If he can’t do those things then yep, deuces.
She doesnt have children, she is 25, so yea i think she should cut her losses. I think it would be irresponsible of me to ask her to waste time on a man who doesn’t care enough to keep it in his pants. Id rather she morn now and be happy in a few years than spend a few years trying, have him still be who he is, and then have to morn later with children.
Post # 11
thanks everyone for the responses. he had sex with this girl. he has only been with me-we were virgins when we met. so this is the only other person he has ever slept with. he kept telling me that he felt like he needed to be with someone else to realize how much he loves me. i think that is BS. right now i cannot focus on our future or what i want. i made him go stay with a friend and i feel like i just need time at this point. although with the holidays coming up i am going to have some explaining to do as to why we are not togther.
Post # 12
Gross. He did this when you were in the middle of a fight and should’ve been focusing on what he could do to improve your marriage, which is I assume what you were trying to do by taking some space. He went for some seriously low-hanging fruit and he wasn’t even going to tell you. I would be SO MAD. I don’t know if I could forgive that.