(Closed) Need some advice…my fiance is going through something

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I was living with a guy, we were both working hard and much the same sort of thing started happening.  He eventually told me almost word for word what your Fiance has told you…that he’d been thinking for awhile, that he loved me, but didn’t want to be with me anymore.  I also ‘fought’ for us, blamed it on his work (he’d just changed jobs) etc.  He stayed, but things were still very awkward between us, and he was wanting to spend more time with his friends.

3 weeks later I came home from work one Sunday to find he’d moved all his stuff out.   When he contacted me, he told me that my not accepting or even listening to what he had told me the first time had made things worse.  He felt patronised, that I acted like I knew what was going on in his life – and his head – better than he did.   That it took alot for him to tell me what he had, that it wasn’t something that he’d just done on the spur of the moment…that I knew as well as he did that things hadn’t been right between us for a couple of months. 

The lesson I learned from that very painful time is that if a man tells me he no longer wants to be with me, I’m not going to hang around trying to change his mind.  If he changes his mind, he can come find me. 

Post # 32
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 

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MadamePants:  I don’t think I missed anything, and I’m not the only poster coming to the conclusion I came to.  

Post # 34
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hi there! 

You are not alone! I have been there. I was in your shoes a year ago. Hardest time if my life. And guess what, I’m marrying my fiancé in 2 Days. 🙂

ok my fiancé has depression. We didn’t know it at the time but he had changed. Your Fiance is saying very similar things that my Fiance said. So here is what it was. My fiancé is VERY independent. he was afraid his independence would be taken away. I use to do EVERYTHING for him. I did it all. I would go over the top with it all too. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, cards, baking, ect. And I would then be upset if he didn’t appreciate it and in some ways reciprocate. But he didn’t need all that     He was fine with a lot less. So I was setting myself up to be disappointed. He then in turn felt he wasn’t good enough bc he couldn’t give me what I did for him. It was a bad cycle. This is just a fraction of the things he would do.

His schedule is on rotation shift. So I get your zombie Fiance. Mine is like that too. He would say things that would sound like he wasn’t sure what he wanted. So after 3 months of fighting for us, I said…the heck with this. I’m not sitting around to wait. I got an apartment and moved out for a brief period if time while he figured his life out. I was not about to spend any more time waiting and Fearing. And it worked. 2 months later he begged for me back. He got his stuff together. We went to therapy. He is on meds to help his anxiety and depression. And now I’m happier than ever. 

So my advice. Step away. If he wants the relationship it is time for him to do the work. You deserve better. And space lets him feel like he isn’t giving up himself. He will get perspective. 

Good luck. 

Post # 35
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aug 30th, 2014

Depression is very serious and rarely goes away on its own. It sounds like he’s exhibiting very classic symptoms (feeling empty or numb, gaining weight, emotional distance, disrupted sleep). I urge you to encourage him to get help for his depression, visit a doctor and a therapist, for example.   Being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is very trying… I know because for years, I was the depressed one, and it was hard on my fiance. Any slight criticism just made me feel worthless as a person, and I would either lash back in anger or totally break down. Poor fellow had to walk on eggshells for a long time until we finally figured it out and I got proper treatment. If the root of the problem is depression, then it’s likely you don’t have to worry about your relationship as directly… I noticed how he said he still loved you but “lost himself”… That’s depression talking. It takes all the good out of the world and tries to get you to live alone in a dark bubble.   Best of luck to both of you!

Post # 36
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

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MadamePants:  Im sorry your going thru this. My personal opinion is that you convinced him to stay (When it sounds like he didnt want to) and you tried to do the things he said you were not and he hasnt done anything that he said he would do, that to me is expreamly telling that right now he dosnt want to be in a relationship. That dosnt mean it cant and wont work out, but maybe right now you and I mean YOU (It gives you the upper hand and will make him think since its not him doing this next thing Im about to say) need to tell him you think its time to take a break so you both (Even though you secretly alsready know what you want, you dont want to appear even more clingy or needy and frighten him more) can evaluate things and your personal lives and figure out what you want and if you should be together. Taking a break will give him time to miss you and think about all the things hes currently taking for granted. It will also remove the presure cooker effect things are having on him right now. Plus if you remove yourself from the situation he cant blame you for things that are not your fault and hell have to look at himself and be honest about whats really going on with him! I know this is not what you want to hear, but everything you said tells me (From a outside, unbiased view) that right now he dosnt want to be in a relationship, is not happy and dosnt know what he wants, whats really wrong or whos really at fault. (And the reasons he gave about things you do is a bull crap cop out and excuses for the real issue) I really think things could work out, but I thinkj you need to pull the plug right now and let the situation cool off and him figure out that your not the real issue. The only way to do that sadly is to remove yourself from him so he cant continue to blame you for it all!

Post # 37
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

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MadamePants:  P.s. if he is threatening suicide or you think hes that depressed, I have bipolar disorder and let me tell you from someone with mental health issues, you need to gt him help and that may mean you need to call and have him forcably put in so they can get him help!

Post # 38
Member
9124 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

If he’s clinically depressed than no matter what else both of you do, things will remain very difficult until he seeks treatment. Trust me, I know this from experience. He needs to go see a doctor straight away. If finances are an issue, most places have clinics for low-income people. (Our town of 30k does.) Good luck!!!

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