(Closed) Need some advice on communication issue with SO…(Kind of long)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
4325 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a rough situation, but it comes down to two choices I guess: (1) decide it doesn’t bother you (hard, I know)or (2) find a way to have a calm discussion.

Two thoughts on the second option. First, make sure to have the conversation when he is not texting/just finished texting with her and when neither of you is upset or stressed about something else. Secondly, maybe is you write down your thoughts first, you can organize them and remind yourself of what you want to say, so when you talk to him, you are less likely to get flustered?

He probably will be defensive.  If he gets like that, just point out (calmly!) that you aren’t accusing them of being more than friends and move on with your point.

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

My SO and I communicate MUCH differently, much like you and your partner do. I talk openly, and he processes things more. It has definitely been a long and sometimes difficult learning curve!!

In the instance of him and his ex, I would NEED to leave out the part about him communicating with his ex specifically, at first, and approach him with something along of the lines of ‘I want to learn about the things you love, and want to engage you in discussions on your music! How do you think WE can accomplish this?!’ I say that because it sounds like it bothers you MOST that they share in a common discussion of something you are not part of, rather than them talking at all…if that makes sense!!

When you approach someone whom tends to be defensive, it is best not to approach a topic or discussion where they feel pushed into a corner, or where they can easily become defensive.

With that said, that does not mean you have to compromise who you are either. My SO and I have had long talks about his way vs my way, especially when we argue, which is natural and healthy in any relationship. We have adapted to walking away from the argument once it is on the table. Although I want to hash it out all at once, he needs time. The compromise, once I learned that that is what he needs, is that he cannot ‘ignore’ the issue. Period. He cannot take time, and then not re-address the issue, because if that occurs, then my needs are not being satisfied.

Once we have had our space, not only do we tend to have a rational discussion, but we manage to get thru the problem, and either agree or agree to disagree.

When ALL else fails, and there are times where space does not make things better for me, I write him a letter. I write my thoughts, re-read my thoughts, and then leave a letter for him to see, at a time I know he can read it without me there and hovering (cause we live together). 10 out of 10 times my letter gets him to fully understand my position, and it works. Again, because he does not feel pushed into a corner, a position in which he is highly uncomfortable with, and can shut down too!!

I hope this helps. Good luck!!

Post # 7
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Darling Husband is also pretty bad at talking about his feelings, and I get worked up and cry pretty easily, so sometimes if one of us wants to talk to the other about something that we know is going to be difficult/emotional we write a letter for them. If I leave him a letter then instead of getting his back up like when we talk about something he can read it, process it, think about how he feels and then write back to me when he’s ready. It makes it much easier to consider each other’s perspectives and take the hurt out of those kinds of talks.

Post # 8
Member
988 posts
Busy bee

I agree with the ther suggestions wrt how to bring up the topic, definitely not just after he has been texting. Could you maybe also suggest to go see a band/gig with him? Or buy tickets for his birthday? It may just be a way to open up a music discussion?

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