(Closed) Need some advice on FMIL situation

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

This isn’t going to be too helpful because honestly I don’t think there is anything you can do.  And I say that from first hand experience.  My grandma lived next door for ~18 years.  Despite REPEATED requests not to feed the dog, she fattened him up with bacon and other meat.  REPEATED requests not to mow the lawn, she did.  REPEATED requests not to wait for us in the car 15 minutes before we had to leave, she did.  And one time it got hot so she tried to roll the window down by pressing the auto controls and broke it.  For about a year she allowed my parents to blame it on us kids before coming clean.  And the worst?  Decided to clean out the fireplace one day but couldn’t find the bucket to put the ashes in.  So she went and got a shovel and scooped up the COALS, not ashes, and dragged it through the house.  Bumped something and ended up burning my parents spanking new flooring.

Nothing my dad said could get her to stop.  I think she would just sit in her house, bored, and think of things to help.  Is the cleaning for you so bad though?  When I first moved in to my place my mom would come over and dust and at first I was miffed that I would have to clean now before she came over but now I appreciate it when she does.  I’m not a bad cleaner, but help is always appreciated.

Sorry!!!!!!!

Post # 5
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Ooh could you lock the bedroom door when she comes over?  Also, I’m curious, would you feel the same if it was your mom?  I only ask because in my situation it’s my mom (different relationship you know?) but I guess I don’t really know how I would feel if it was DH’s mom.  Is she retired?

Post # 6
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I haven’t had this problem, but I put the line down early.  I explained to my Future Mother-In-Law that I am the woman on my house with my Fiance and I want to feel like I am.  To me, it would be insulting to have another woman coming over and doing my job, such as cleaning my house, cooking for him, etc.  So for me, it just feels like something that I should be doing and makes me feel like I am keeping up my own house.  It has worked so far.

Post # 7
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Personally, I would be pretty upset over the whole thing. I am a very private person, and I don’t deal well with others getting into my space and belongings, especially w/o permission. If the dog is not kept in your bedroom, she has no business being in there. Helping with the dog does not give her free reign to go throughout your home as she pleases. You are both adults, not preteens living in her home. I see no good reason for her being in the bedroom. Isn’t it just as easy to leave whatever she’s leaving for you on the kitchen counter? (phew, can you tell invasion of privacy really gets my goat?)

If it were me I might have to stop getting her help with the dog, but that’s just how bothered I’d be by the whole situation. And I would feel this way even if it were my own mother. Actually, it’d probably be worse if it were my mom.

Post # 8
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

Normally I would say it’s not that big of a deal, but going into my bedroom where I have my toys with my Fiance is a no no. So my question is have you talked to her? After all you are her future daughter. I ask because it sounds like she is trying to be helpful but is overstepping her boundaries…… Try having a girls day with her and mention how this makes you very uncomfortable….

Post # 9
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I think this would be somewhat annoying but on the bright side it doesn’t sound like you have a monster in law on your hand like alot of women do (me included).  I say count your blessings that she is annoying and not bat sh*t crazy and lock the doors to rooms you don’t want her in.

Post # 11
Member
3847 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@Jaynee: In the interest of fairness I should also say that MY mom is the super nice but annoying one.  She is always “helping” by cleaning or bringing things over.  I completely agree that it can be frustrating for you because those are the types of people that if you tell them to stop you feel like you just kicked a puppy.  It is hard to have boundries when they are just so nice.

Post # 12
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’ve never had to deal with this, so I’m not sure how “fair” this advice is, but honestly, I’d put a lock on my bedroom door.  It’s kind of passive-agressive, but I feel like she’s deliberately not listening.  This way, she’ll have to bring it up if the lock bothers her and then you guys can address why it’s there.

My Mother-In-Law and Mom live 3 and 2 hours away respectively, so the drop in doesn’t really happen for me.  I would be really bothered by this as well, so I understand why you’re upset.  Your Fiance really needs to be more upfront with her.  If the situation ever became like @Talishazwi I would take away her key.  Walking the dog help isn’t worth it.

And for what it’s worth, SHE is the one who should be embarassed if she “finds” toys or anything else that’s private, not you.  Easier said then done, I know, but she is the one who is going in areas that most people understand are private and not for general consumption.

Post # 13
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Couple of things: One, if it’s dirty, she’ll clean it.  You can’t tell her that you’re the woman of the house who cleans it unless you actually clean it.  She’s going to clean up a mess.  In her head she’s taking care of her son and no amount of pleading will get her to stop.  If you want her to stop, then the house needs to be clean before she comes over.  Some women are neurotic like that, and it sounds like you’ve got one of those FMILs.  Two, I agree with pps who said to put a lock on your bedroom doors.  It doesn’t have to be a deadbolt, but something to keep her out of there.  That way you don’t have to nag your Fiance and he doesn’t have to talk to his mom about something super uncomfortable “Hey mom, can you stay out of our bedroom?  We keep our sex toys next to the bed and you’re the last thing I want to be thinking of when I use that stuff.”  Ick.  No wonder if he procrastinates on having THAT conversation.

Also maybe think about really using your FMIL’s quirks to your advantage.  Is there something you would like help with?  Maybe a chore you hate that you could ask her to do?  I personally hate dishes and washing the stove, so I would leave my dishes in the sink and keep the stove dirty just to keep her out of other places like the laundry room (where my underwear is!).  But it sounds like even dishes make you uncomfortable, so maybe there’s something else you could ask her to help with to distract her from the things that make you uncomfortable?

Post # 14
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I understand exactly how you feel and im glad you posted this because it makes me feel better about the way i feel! I can’t give you any advice because im unsure about how to handle it too! But just know that i completly understand why you feel that way! You need your privacy and to have your own life together! good luck!

Post # 16
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@MightySapphire, see, I think that if they just said that! (“Hey mom, can you stay out of our bedroom?  We keep our sex toys next to the bed and you’re the last thing I want to be thinking of when I use that stuff”), that it’d be the last time she goes in there!

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