Post # 1
So Darling Husband and I have been married for 5 months and together for over 8 years. Over the past few years I’ve noticed I’ve had absolutely no libido, I’ve tried switching all kinds of BCPs and nothing. I finally went off the pill last month (2 reasons, increase libido and getting ready to TTC) and I’ve noticed some difference. I work full time and go to school 3 nights a week and on saturdays, then factor in homework and housework, so I don’t have much spare time. Which brings me to our intimacy problem. He’ll ask a couple times a week and I usually say no because I’m either doing homework or too tired and he gets so angry at me sometimes, like there’s not talking to him. I understand, no one wants to be turned down time after time, but I just wish he would realize it’s not him at all, it’s just my crazy schedule right now. We always have sex on the weekend because I’m able to reenergize and don’t have as much to do but he wants it more. And I know we should, but I just really don’t have the time or energy most weeks. I feel bad, I really do, but I don’t know what else to do. Has anyone else gone through this or is going through this also? Please help!
Post # 3
I’ve been in a similar situation. My 2 cents are… make the time: Schedule it in if you have to, because sex is the one thing that seperates your marriage from a platonic friendship. I was on the opposite end of rejection and it doesn’t feel good (granted, it was because of medical problems). Eventually, I stopped innitiating and neither of us felt good about it. My advice, again, do it on your terms but for got sake ‘only on weekends’ can get a little bland!!
Post # 4
Sex is incredibly important to maintain the intimacy of your marriage. It’s tough when you’re so busy, but really, is anything in the world more important than your husband’s happiness and wellbeing?
I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now, but maybe sit down with your husband and explain that he is the most important thing to you, and you want to make sure he feels wanted and loved. You know that sex is an important way for him to feel loved, and you realize that getting rejected is tough to take. But, you’re so overwhelmed and need help to rearrange your schedule and priorities to make him at the very top.
Men typically like to problem solve, so asking him for help in making more time in your schedule (ie. can he do housework while you’re in class, so you can come home and get it on) may be a good place to start.
Post # 5
I’ve got to agree with Future. It’s important, and extremely important to guys, that you make time–maybe just one other night a week, and scheduling can help–gets you ready/excited for it emotionally. And once you get into it, you’ll enjoy it and it will relieve some stress.
My things is always: What will you do when he stops asking? Has he given up on you? I’d never want that. Is he satisfying himself someway? I wouldn’t want that either.
Post # 6
Another vote here for scheduling sex. I have the higher sex drive in our relationship, and rejection really sucks. But sitting down and figuring out 2-3 times a week that will work for both of us–and then committing to it–ensures that we don’t fall into the never-doing-it trap. It also takes a lot of the pressure of initiating off if you agree ahead of time when it’s going to happen.
Post # 7
Is there anything he can do to help take some of the stress off? I try to get my husband to do some work around the house, chores, and cooking sometimes because doing it all myself all the time makes me not want to be intimate at all.
You need time to rest and recharge during the week instead of being go go go all the time, especially before you two have a baby!
Post # 8
I’ll agree with the other bee’s and say “You have to make time”. If we could live in a perfectly balanced world where we had time and energy for everyone and everything there wouldn’t be a need for some support.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. My first husband hounded me for sex 8 days a week/25 hours a day and we didn’t have good communication skills. My second (now) husband is the one who is tired or tells me “later”. I’ve talked with him on several occasions and he says he’ll step up. It took a lot of these talks for him to realize that sex is an important part of a marital relationship and needs to carve out time in his schedule for us. Having sex can be a quickie or a whole night of lovemaking. If sex in my marriage isn’t worth ______ (insert time frame) then what can I give up to make time for it?
Post # 9
There’s definitely things that you BOTH need to do to fix this.
1. My favorite teacher on family says this: (from her perspective)
“If you want kissy kissy at 11, then I need you in the kitchen at 7.”
He definitely should be picking up the slack. Y’all are a team and in times that your stretched thin he needs to do his part to help the 2 of you.
2. You need to make the time, schedule it, take some time in the day to stop and get back to just loving your Darling Husband.
Things that help: Send him random text just being sweet…. or sexy… Stop to think about a romantic thing he’s done before.. etc
Men NEED sexual intimacy… it’s how they feel loved. It’s even moreso for them than it is for us and we don’t like being rejected either.
I’m a big believer in communication… you both get on the same page and it CAN be worked through =)
Post # 10
Wow, I was actually surprised by the advice in this thread, but I appreciate all of it and agree with it. It’s come to my attention that a lot of my girlfriends have really negative attidudes toward sex with their husbands! It was good for me to hear this advice, too, as someone who is also hounded 24/7 by her Fiance, haha. Things really do improve in our house the more we make time to do it.
Post # 11
I agree with the above – allocate time, gets things done earlier in the day or put them off for the next day, build up a routine and you will start thinking it’s just a part of your week – like working!
Post # 12
thank you everyone for all of your great advice! I see where you’re coming from (especially those that have been in my husband’s position), but the thing is, there’s no rearranging my schedule; I have to go to class 3 nights a week and on Saturdays and I’m usually assigned homework the week of, so it has to be done either one or both of those free nights. I get to watch one, maybe two shows a week, all of my other time is spent doing school work or house work like I said. He does help around the house, but it seems like he’s been getting frustrated with doing extra lately. I like what a few of you said, next time he complains, I’ll say the more you help around the house, the more time I’ll be able to spend in the bedroom ha. We do schedule it, but he even gets frustrated with that every once in a while saying, this shouldn’t be a job, it should be spontaneous; which I get but at the same time, there isn’t much room for spontaneity in my schedule =/. I just wish he would realize this crazy schedule is just temporary, it’s not always going to be like this.
@MrsRugbee: I agree, I don’t want our relationship to feel like a friendship
@piglet_625: I think my husband’s happiness and wellbeing is very important, but I don’t think mine should be forgotten. And it’s not even like I’m happy/satisfied in this situation while he’s mad, I’m not happy either, I’d much rather have a healthy sex life than be busy with school and tired all the time. I want to have a better sex life, it’s just very difficult at this point in my life.
@kala_way: You’re right, I’d definitely be upset if he stopped asking
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: You’re right, once we have a baby, it’ll be hard (even though I’ll be finished school)
@runsyellowlites: Thanks for the advice, I’ll definitely use that!!
@Juliepants: You’re so right, days after we have sex, he is a much happier man and more pleasant to be around haha
Post # 13
Just make it work. I know that sometimes sex can be the last thing on your mind. But let’s be honest.. most men don’t last long enough to scratch a whole night of valuable study lol.
He will be happy, you will be happy and your homework will get done 😛
Post # 14
He may be getting frustrated with doing extra housework because he’s still not getting more intimacy in return. PPs have all given good suggestions. I want to add that it doesn’t ALWAYS have to be spontaneous and monumental. Schedule in a few quickies here and there between studying for one class and another. And… some housework can be postponed till another day for the sake of your relationship with your husband. So what if the laundry is finished tomorrow instead of today!
Post # 15
If he wants to feel it’s more spontaneous, I’d just like to add that he doesn’t need to know you’ve scheduled it.
To be honest, it sounds like you are taking on too much and something is going to break, and that’s your relationship right now (because either your or your husband is angry at the situation). You might seriously consider decreasing your classload or workload in order to make more time in your schedule. Figure out what you can let go (yes, that might mean eating a lot of quick pasta dinners or sandwiches from subway) and contemplate spending a few bucks on a housecleaner once a month.
Post # 16
Hahaha you’re probably right