(Closed) Need some Bee advice before I make the wrong decision (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like you both have really different views of how to run a home. I agree with you I couldn’t live like that either, but if he sees nothing wrong with it and has no desire to change then maybe it is time to move on. Not trying to sound rude and maybe you are having trouble finding a job, but maybe you should think about getting one if you can that way you can help him financially get out of this place or work on fixing it up nice together. Although he is only going to change if he wants to.

Post # 4
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why would you move in if you think the place is unlivable?  Maybe you could just clean up a bit and maybe gradually paint and etc.  Once you put in a bit of effort maybe he will too.

Post # 6
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

Honestly, If I moved in with my Fiance and his place looked like that… I would just start throwing shit away. It is a big decision to buy another place, but little things make a huge difference. A can of paint, some drapes.. buy new furniture piece by piece. Put down new flooring. You can make the place livable and pretty. But if he has an issue talking about your relationship, why did you move in in the first place?

Post # 7
3943 posts
Honey bee

I think the fact that he won’t sit down have a coversation about  your relationship, finances, etc. is a bigger red flag than a messy home. However, I am a borderline neat freak so that mess would literally drive me crazy.

Until he’s ready to have some conversations then I would put a hold on living together. You guys obviously have some big issues that need to be resolved first.

Post # 8
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

“… the big thing is, I don’t really want to stay in this town if I’m not going to be with him.  It’s not where I envision the rest of my life to be and he’s agreed that we can move after 2 years.  But, if I’m not going to stay with him, I want to be able to look elsewhere.  I just don’t want to give up totally and look for a new job out of the state if we can still work it out.  And I don’t want to get a job up there, break up, and then be stuck in a town I only moved to just to be with someone I’m not.”

I’m not sure if you realize this, but you have just given yourself some EXCELLENT advice! Do not be afraid to take it. If you have already broken your engagement over issues of significant conflict with your S.O., it would not be at all wise for you to move in with him.  If you do that, and you surrender your current living space and, with it, a lot of your own independence, it will be all the harder for you to separate from your S.O. in the future if things do not work out with this relationship. And, based on what you’re saying, it doesn’t sound as if, at least right now, you are in agreement about how to build a solid and successful future together.

Post # 9
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

That looks like my husband’s house, thankfully he moved into mine!  I was really concerned that the mess would follow him, and since I’ve lived alone for so many years I was not sure how well I would take giving up my space and not having things just how I like them.  Its been a compromise for both of us.  I think he is getting better at putting things away, and I have a new habit of spending about 15-20 minute each morning straightening up the house.  We do have a cleaning service come every 2 weeks which I think think helps a lot as well.

If I had had to move into his messy house though I wouldn’t have done it until the place was straightened up to my standards, and the cleaning service was non-negotiable too.  So I definitely get it, he’s asking you to move to his town but is not willing to put an effort into making his home comfortable for you… I don’t know what to tell you, except for that its kind of worked out for me, I’m still putting his dishes in the sink and putting his dirty clothes in the hamper, but it’s not as awful as I expected it to be 🙂

Post # 10
14482 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is the gist of what I got from this.  1.  Broken off engagement.  2. Unresolved mom issues.  3. He’s unwilling to discuss your problems.  4.  He doesnt care to make you feel comfortable in what’s supposed to be a shared home.  5.  He doesnt care enough about how you feel to make a REAL effort.

I’m having a hard time understanding why you want want to move in with him and when he doesnt really seem to care about making the relationship work and workign with you to make the home a nice place for the both of you.

Post # 11
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m curious how you feel about him generally at this point?  Are these frustrations standing in the way of you being 100% committed, or are you falling out of love here?  My two cents, for what they’re worth . . .

If you’re still sure you’d want to spend the rest of your life him IF these pretty major issues were resolved, it might be worth just giving it a year or two and seeing how you feel then.  It took four years of living together before my Fiance and I really got on the same page about life things, and we both had some growing up to do.  Changing from a life-long bachelor to a good husband is not a quick metamorphosis.  Part of that change is learning how to really care for and listen to another person, after being able to do whatever you want and just looking after yourself for so long.

If you’re seriously feeling like he’s not the one, and you hate where you are, you might as well just pull off the band-aid and move on.  Why put yourself through any more misery?

Good luck either way, you’ll figure it out!

Post # 12
556 posts
Busy bee

@ananeele: based on the pics above, no, cleanliness is not a value of his. if it’s a value of yours than itll be your responsibility. but hopefully there’s something he can take ownership in. where he lacks, you can shine. where you lack, he can shine. like i hate doing dishes so he does them, but i dont mind vacumming or dusting, so i do that. my guy does all the driving cause i hate driving, etc.

i would start throwing stuff away like @MrsNeutrino said. like is he really going to notice some of it missing? unless he’s a hoarder and freaks out over you touching stuff, he may appreciate the clean up.

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission. 

i wouldnt even ask, id just start cleaning. i mean if you live there, you want to feel comfortable there. i dont think it’s a big deal to make space.

i wouldnt really focus on two yrs from now, or selling, etc. he’s probably really proud/attached about owning his first place. maybe he’s defensive about why isnt this good enough?

what exactly needs to be fixed up? like if it needs a new toilet–gross, yes id demand that! but if it’s superficial things to make it sellable–i really wouldnt worry about that yet cause it’s not for sale. liveable yes–do it now. 

maybe he’s overwhelmed? i dont know…

for me id hope moving in would be a together project. i know when my guy moved in (because i own and he was renting)–we did it in one day with his whole family. before he moved in, i made piles for donations and gave my stuff away, so there’d be room for him. 

if he thinks he’s doing his best, and he’s being sincere and honest, id give him credit. it’s better than saying “deal” and there be no effort or discussion.

Post # 14
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I strongly believe that anytime a relationship goes backward, it can never again go forward successfully.  I would take the broken engagement as a sign to not make any life-altering decisions in contemplation of this relationship. 

Post # 15
35 posts
  • Wedding: October 2019

@ananeele:  I can definitely understand what you are going through. My sister is a hoarder and it got to the point where she literally destroyed my late grandmother’s home and I had to move her in with me along with my niece. If he doesn’t want to become a better person and “upgrade” himself along with his home then you have to make the best decision for you. Regardless of what he makes he should want his home to be clean. I could suggest that you converse with him about why he doesn’t want to do anything about it or seek couples counseling. If he doesn’t want to do that you have to love yourself enough to go.

Post # 16
14482 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ananeele:  He honestly thinks normal people live like this, isn’t embarrassed by it, and that I’m being snobbish and degrading his living environment and, in turn, him as a person.  He didn’t have problems talking about our relationship until I started demanding he give me a proper home… It’s only $400 to fix everything up to make it up to my standards,

I’m sorry, but from the way you are talking about it here, it DOES sound like you are demeaning and snobbish about it.  Are you SURE you’re not coming off as entitled and deserving when you talk to him about it?  “Demanding” that he give you a proper home “up to your standards”??  You are basically telling him that the way he lives is not good enough for you and I’m honestly not too shocked that he would say you’re attacking him. 

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