(Closed) Need some closure (long…)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

aw hun i am so sorry – that guy is a douche, i would have told him to mind his own damn business! you handled the situation (both with him and your dad) very well. I can only imagine how hard it must be to go through what you’re going through. I don’t have any advice really but sending lots of hugs your way xoxo


Post # 4
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Au Jardin:   Wow, oh wow.  My heart hurts for you reading that.  I wish I could reach though cyberspace and give you a hug.  I don’t know how you’ll be able to find closure for this but I hope and pray for your sake you do.

Time will help.  I’m so, so very sorry this incident tainted your lovely wedding day.  It’s horrible what happened to you.  I think you would have been ok if that guy had just let you walk away.  You would have recovered and composed yourself.  But he violated you!  He restrained you, against your will.  That is so wrong!  I would have hated it, I’d have been a basket case if someone held onto me at a time like that, when I was needing to get away.  And it was your wedding day and you were the Bride and it was so disrespectful of you.  Oh, hon.   Cry

All I can say is please try to see that this guy most likely has no clue that he hurt you emotionally so much.  I would advise contacting him if you feel comfortable doing so, just to explain what happened from your point of view.  Let him know your meltdown was due to your long history of trauma with regard to your dad and that you realize he had no way of knowing that.  I’m sure he most likely feels badly about what happened.  He’s probably not really a bad guy, well-meaning, perhaps, but did something STUPID and CLUELESS.  He owes you an apology. 

This is so sad.  I hope you can find peace with it somehow, some way.  Try to give yourself some time to heal from this.  Your husband can help you (maybe show him this thread) and also – you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.  You are in no way responsible for any of this.  You’ve been strong and brave enough having to deal with your dad and his issues.  Don’t beat yourself up any more about this.

Blessings to you.  I really wish you all the best.

Post # 5
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Au Jardin:  It seems like you’re more grief-stricken over the loss of yoru father than you are angry at this dude who reminded you of that fact. He probably doesn’t comprehend the deep nature to which his remark cut at you, and that’s important to keep in mind as you try to dismiss this one circumstance in a much larger scale of hurt / coping / grief / anxiety about your father, and your role in his life as a medically / mentally challenged person. It’s ok to feel like this, and it’s important to get the grief out as you mourn the loss of who your father “was.” But it’s also important to accept who he now is, and will continue to be.

In all liklihood, your DH’s coworker probably didn’t know the extent to all of your father’s searching for answers with top doctors, and he probably thought he was “helping” by suggesting your father see his. After all, he probably sees his father as a childhood hero who can do no wrong. If he was drunk at the time, that tends to amplify those irrational thoughts. Try not to hold it too much against him, but instead cope with all the buried feelings you have inside about the true issue at hand. It’s worth exploring and acknowledging so you can transcend it.

Post # 6
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Au Jardin:  *hugs*  I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.  I think I would have reacted the very same way you did.  You just have to remind yourself that you did nothing wrong and you were warranted to feel the way you do.  I would try to put this behind you and move forward. 


Post # 7
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow….my heart breaks for you….do not let this one little thing mar the memory of a beautiful day.  No one knows the challenge of coping with an ill loved one, until they face the challenge of coping with a ill loved one.  Your record with your father is sterling, be proud of that, because everyone gets tired, worn out and just wants to be first once in a while…I get it, sincerely I do.

If it were me, I would work very diligently on sorting through all of the elements from that moment to identify what exactly it was that set you off…I know that this Junior Doctor with his super helpful suggestions seems a likely culprit, I would imagine he is merely the masthead on a ship of discontent that you’ve been towing around for a while…through all of my troubles with ill loved ones, and there have been a few lately, I’ve found that feeling tired, taken advantage of and generally swindled out of enjoying your life can be overwhelming…

Hate the moment, the circumstance, the illness, the naevity of a person…but not them, never them…it’s rare to find a person that acts out of spite, out of misguided good intentions, and feelings of pity or sympathy..rarely spite.

Post # 8
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think your Darling Husband is right, and a lot of it came from being drunk and exhausted and the high emotions of the day. And I think you are making a scapegoat of this coworker because of how you feel about your dad’s illness. (Sometimes there just needs to be someone to be angry *at*.)

Which doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t suck, and if hating this guy beyond all rationality is what helps you cope with your dad’s sickness, then go ahead.  

Post # 9
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I’m so sorry for your dad and your family.  Losing your father this way breaks your heart in a way that I can’t explain.  Lots of love to you.


Post # 10
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry that this happened and that you’re left with this memory of your wedding day.  You said that you’re able to compartmentalize this incident and not have it mar all the memories of your wedding day, which I think is very wise.

I think @StuporDuck: really hit the nail on the head: this jackass is not really what’s hurting you so much, it’s the fact that he reminded you of the “loss” you’re experiencing regarding your dad.  I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it is to see the man who is your rock and your hero become someone else.  It’s ok to feel grief, sadness, anxiety and any other emotion you feel over what you’ve gone through.  You are not a bad daughter for feeling this way or doing what you feel you have to do to protect yourself emotionally and to protect your dad.  Please please, don’t let this co-worker get to you.  Chances are he had no idea what he was talking about and the severity of the situation.

Also please always remember that you are a good daughter and your dad loves you.  No one should ever accuse you of treating your dad like a problem.  The people closest to you, who see everything you do for him and your family know what a strong person you are and what a loving and caring daughter you are.  

If you need a scapegoat or someone to be mad it, nothing wrong with it being this guy.  Just please don’t let your anger at him color your feelings and memories about your wedding day.

big hugs


Post # 11
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I hope this helps you get it off your chest. As you said this guy is an ass. I’m glad you had a nice wedding day and you can seperate this from it. The good news is when your Husband moves or he moves you don’t really have to deal with him again. I think you should not wait on an apology because I doubt you would ever get one

Post # 12
1527 posts
Bumble bee

That’s so frustrating and sad. I think it’s important to forgive your husband’s coworker for being so close-minded and an asshole and move on. There are a lot of rude, judgmental people in the world who think that everything is simple and can be fixed, but it can’t and that’s hard enough to deal with. Forgive him for being so rude, because he’s not mature or sensitive enough to realize how badly he hurt you. Plus, grabbing someone is not okay. Forgiving him will help you move on, though. He’s just ignorant. And it’s hard to move on, but I doubt he’ll ever apologize.

Post # 13
438 posts
Helper bee

that guy sounds like a tool! how dare he try and lecture you on something he has no idea about! he sounds like he has a case of the ‘i know it alls’ just ignor him he is obviously full of his own importance. you have nothing to feel bad about you sound like an amazing daughter to your father! that guy needs to realise that unless you walk a mile in someones shoes and have been there yourself then you have no idea what is is like to go thru what that person has gone thru! 

As for being angry with him, and believe me you have every right to be, i think I would have kneed him where it hurts! I wouldn’t waste my time thinking about him there are so many people just like him out in this world, and you just have to think to yourself that he has no idea what he’s talking about and he is small minded.

as my dear nan says ‘Dont let the F****r’s grind you down’ :] hope you fell better x

Post # 14
699 posts
Busy bee

@Au Jardin:  Oooh honey, you know, counselling might help in this case. I say, don’t talk to that co-worker of your Dhs and talk to your hubby. He should be your riock now. But, get him to just listen, let him know, no advice, unlesss you think he’ll be positive. I know you’ll be ok. Best wishes on a happy marriage <3

Post # 16
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Au Jardin:  You’re going to be just fine! 

The topic ‘Need some closure (long…)’ is closed to new replies.

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