(Closed) Need some encouragement…I’m a stepmom but I can say NO too!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Obviously I don’t know everything about this situation, but I have two step-sisters, and my dad raised them as his own because he married our mother when they were only six and three. Their biological dad had nothing to do with them by his own choice, and now that they are raised and have college degrees and successful careers, he wants a relationship with them. So I completely understand how it feels to be a non-biological parent and then feel incredibly used…

I think it was okay that you said no. If you weren’t around, your husband would have had to tell her no and other arrangements would have to be made. It would also be a different story if the biological mother was easy to work with and really appreciated and respected you.

You aren’t an evil step-mother; just stay firm in your decision. Best of luck to you!

Post # 4
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh man. Isn’t being a stepmom the pits some days?! I totally agree with you that you have every right to say no. You’re not saying no forever, you’re saying no for this weekend. If someone else can help, why not let them?! Grandparents like their grandkids and like to spend time with them too! It’s one weekend for the love of pete. There is nothing that grinds me more than a Bridesmaid or Best Man who treats the BD (and stepmom) like a babysitter. Believe me. I have a 5 year old SS and I love him to death, but wow, being a stepmom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. All of a sudden you’re negotiating other people’s lives and made up rules, it’s intense.

Stick to your guns, it’s just one weekend, it’ll blow over eventually.

Post # 5
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m glad you stood up!!  I agree that the biological father should start taking the kid… It stinks for your Fiance, but legally, the biological father has rights he does not.

Post # 6
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Okay, my stepson lives about 7 hours away. Originally, I had him signed up for a week-long summer day camp here for this week since he was supposed to be staying with us. But a couple weeks ago, FH found out he would be out of town this week, and I asked him, “You’re not still planning on bringing SS here that week, are you?” Because honestly, I don’t feel comfortable with him just being in my presence alone for an entire week. Not that we don’t get along or I can’t “handle” him but I really think if it’s an extended period of time like that, he needs to be with one or the other of his PARENTS. I’m not a babysitter or a nanny and neither are you! I would never tell FH not to bring his son here for a visit WHEN HE’S HOME but if he’s out of town? No way. It’s just not anyone’s job but the PARENTS to undertake a week of custody and care for a child. If FH is here to take on that responsibility, that’s great! If he’s not, SS needs to stay at his mom’s house.  I don’t blame you one bit for saying no, and NOBODY should make you feel bad about that. You are not their parent, you are a stepparent; the responsibility for what they do when their parents are out of town does not rest ON YOU. 

Post # 7
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@bakerella: 

Hear hear. I love my FH to death but sometimes when the situation gets particularly overwhelming, I wonder if I ever would have gotten involved with him had I TRULY understood the complexity of what a situation with an ex-wife and a stepkid is like. I’d never leave or anything NOW, but I just had no clue back then how difficult it would be. I just thought we’d all go blithely along and nothing would be difficult and nobody would ever have to compromise and it would be one big happy family! 

Post # 8
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ohheavenlyday: I totally agree. The step-parent isn’t a built-in babysitter!!

Post # 9
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You are not wrong.  It is important to set the tone for your marriage.  If you don’t speak up they will take advantage of you to the end.  Stand your ground and keep control of your home!

Post # 11
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Wannabe-diy-bride: I agree that you have the right to say no, and that it’s unfair for Bridesmaid or Best Man to put pressure on you to take care of her kids.  However (and I don’t mean to be rude or offensive), I think it’s great that your Fiance is taking care of SD as his own (since it sounds like her mom and dad are not as stable as a child wants/needs), and so I’d caution against treating her differently than SS, just because she’s not “technically” FI’s daughter.  I know having another kid around is stressful, but if your Fiance wants to continue his paternal relationship with her, and she has the poor luck to have flaky biological parents, I don’t think it’s kind to destabilize her further by making her feel like she’s not really part of the family.

What I do think you should do is talk to your fiance.  It’s not right that he puts wedding planning and childcare all on your shoulders, and he needs to help out with both things.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

While I agree that it isn’t your job to be the baby-sitter, I do also think that you need to be the bigger person here. Being a step-mother certainly isn’t easy, I can relate with you on that. One thing I have really learnt about perspective while going through our custody battle is that the kids always come first, no matter what. What stuck out from your post is the frustration you feel about the relationships involved. I think it’s important to remember that it doesn’t matter that your Fiance isn’t his daughter’s biological father, what matters is he loves her and identifies as her father. Nothing in the world should limit that father/daughter relationship. Even if her biological father has suddenly shown up that doesn’t mean this little girl needs to loose a father…you can have more than one.

As far as the ex…well I think we all have stories about relationships gone bad and the after math. It’s good that you are standing up for yourself, especially if she constantly takes advantage of the situation. I think for your benefit though you need to realize that you won’t be able to change this woman so you do need to be the bigger person. There have been times, let me tell you, that I wished I could just scream my head off at DH’s ex or say, “screw it you take the responsibility,” but in reality I can’t do that because I might gain something from it while the children will loose out. Mixed familes ALWAYS have to put the children’s needs and happiness first. I think that you should try to keep the two children together as much as possible so that they equally feel loved and supported. I think if you change your thinking to surround one like that then maybe you might feel better about the whole situation. I know it certainly has helped to shift my feelings from anger and frustration to acceptance…and sometimes even pity.

Try to make the best of your situation. You have the power to make you and your family happy despite this woman so remember that. Stay positive 🙂

Post # 14
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

All I’m gonna say is think about the kids.  

If you take one but not the other, that’s gonna make the KIDS question why brother went with your Fiance and sister had to stay with grandparents.  And vice versa.  ESPECIALLY if these two live together.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, at all.  YOU have to make the choice for you.

All I’m asking is to consider IF the little ones will understand why they’re being split up.  And remember, kids have amazing memories, even if they ARE selective.  

I assure you, my son would be questioning WHY his little sister wasn’t with him and wouldn’t really understand WHY YOU made that decision.  

If you’re not going to keep both, I’d suggest letting grandma and grandpa keep both.  

Post # 15
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Wannabe-diy-bride: lol, that’s why kids prefer their GRANDPARENTS over their parents! fewer rules and more “freedom” to do what they want!  (We all know grandparents spoil the kids rotten and let ’em get away with murder.)

Sounds like the kids NEED to be grounded and at three, that’s when they REALLY need it…and even more as they get older until they can be trusted to make the right decisions more often than not.

Sorry you’ve gotta deal with this and I really hope you can come to good solution for everyone involved.  My kids are 4 years apart, so they can be REAL handfuls at times!

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