- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
As a person who was separated, filed for divorce, stopped the divorce, went to marriage counseling for a year and divorced and remarried, I do have a little insight.
I don’t think she’s being completely honest. Either there is someone else that is “distracting her” from giving 100% or she’s not being 100% honest with how she truly feels.
It always takes 2 people’s actions to get where you are now.
I 2nd the thought of you BOTH reading Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”. Buy a copy for her and take it to her with flowers and a note saying “I’m not ready to give up on us yet”. It sounds like she isn’t ready yet either. If that’s the case, then yes, you have a chance to truly make this work.
Start to go to a different marriage counselor. Even if it’s just by yourself and then have her come for an appointment once you have it set up. That way she won’t have an excuse. Tell her you have been going and they asked that she come for one. Then she can decide if she wants to go again with you. With the last one being in January and just last week, neither of you could file for divorce, that couple months seems to have changed her emotionally. She might be more receptive emotionally now and open to counseling and truly working on your relationship.
Marriage is a lot about compromise. I know our counselor told us both we had to find things to do with each other even if we didn’t like it. Do something with her she likes (even if you don’t), same with her doing something with you. Keep doing positive things, and that will start a positive cycle and have her think positive things toward you. Sadly, same goes for the negative, anything negative said or done will be met with negative actions or words right back at you. Our counselor called it the vicious cycle and it just keeps going on. So start a positive happy cycle and the other will want to reciprocate. Also, if there is ANY ONE else that is distracting either one of you, emotionally or physically, then it wont’ work. You have to promise to give 100% of each other to truly get over the hump.
Marriage takes work, you can’t just toss it like a broken consumable item. You had a connection (hopefully you still do), you had vows and promises to each other, so promise each other to truly commit to try and work through this. Open communication is key. You have to be honest with the counselors, having a neutral 3rd party is so much easier to mediate than having a one on one with each other when there are issues.
I truly hope you keep us updated. I feel for you. I was you in that same place before. Sadly for me, he didn’t want to try and just gave up on us and the kids, so even our marriage counselor said we just needed to divorce then. It can happen amicably at that point. At least I knew I tried everything I could think of first. Now I’ve found a great man that went through almost identically situation and we totally get each other in every way.
Either way, you can and will get through this. (((( BIG HUG ))))