(Closed) Need some female advice re separation

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2942 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

 

GuyinJersey:  I think you could make your marriage work as it sounds like you are willing to put in the effort.  As far as making your marriage work with your wife, unforunatly only she will be able to do that. 

I’m starting to become afraid for you that she has checked out already mentally.  Not responding and not taking steps to get to be the person that will make a marriage work is not a great sign, unfortunatly. 

Post # 18
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

GuyinJersey:  Hey there.  On the one hand, as a romantic lady, I’m like… just go get her!  But not all of us ladies are the same, obviously, and there isn’t really enough information here to understand if she is someone who needs space, is pouting and waiting for some huge, romantic gesture, or if she is just prolonging ending the relationship in a more concious manner.

As for your position, it sounds like you are reaching out to her and showing her that you are motivated to get your marriage back on track–albeit, I do think you are not being exactly vulnerable in doing so, which may cause her pause if she is waiting for some heart-stopping change in your demeanor towards her.  What I think most romance novels will show, is that women of this romantic mindset want to be special in their lover’s eyes.  For instance, I’ve had people tell me that my fiance looks at me with warmth and admiration while he is more measuring and detached with everyone else, making me feel kind of sacred in a way (if to no one else, at least it is with my most important person).  I think of love as the only sort of real mystical, magical force that we might all participate in, but not everyone feels this way, even if many might want to believe in this sort of thing.  All together, what I’m trying to get at is that you need to figure out what she is waiting for, hopefully on your own, but just bluntly ask her (for big picture needs and small manageable steps/examples) if you really are without a clue as to what she wants in order to fix things.

On the other hand, she seems to have you by the balls and you sound to be resisting giving into that air of petulance, which is understandable and good for your relationship if she is truly wanting at an unreasonable level.  Do I think the work position is a cause for frustration if she is holding it as an example of you not putting her first or abiding by your word (i.e. trustworthiness)?  Yes.  Do I think it’s reasonable?  Probably not.  Do I think it’s odd that she is being distant? Yes/a little, but some people really do benefit from forcing themselves to understand what life is without the other questionable party.  Is it wierd that she will threaten your marriage but not attend counseling for herself?  Yeah, and this really makes me think she is either being dramatic and doesn’t think it’s necessary since she’s just waiting on you to show her how especially loved she is, or she knows that there is no future and sees no point.  (This is, of course, considering that she isn’t just avoiding self-analysis as a defensive measure.)  Bottom line is that we don’t have enough information to know if she is being distant for effect or for some more meaningful purpose.

You have to understand what she wants first, and then you need to decide if any changes she is requesting are reasonable and doable (meaning you really will do them for the sake of you, her, and your marriage).  What does it seem like her motives are?  Does she know where she has drawn her line in the sand for what will fix things and what won’t?  Does she just seem done, or is she open to getting to a healthy place?  Does she seem to have hope for you two?

Don’t let her walk on you if she is being excessive in her complaints, but also really try and dig deep in understanding what her problems are with you as a person and how you feel about those issues?  Are those traits worth keeping, or are you better off making a change?

Post # 19
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

She needs to go to therapy now. If she refuses, that should be a dealbreaker for you. Give her a deadline if you need to. If she can’t manage to make an appointment by that time, then she’s giving you her answer in the most passive way possible: that she’s not committed to working on the relationship. That’s a tough pill to swallow, but you won’t be able to singlehandedly save your marriage on your own. It sounds like she’s needing to do a lot of work on herself right now and she may be in denial about that. If she is using you as an excuse to hide from her own problems, then the only thing that you can do is refuse to shield her from facing herself. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s devastating. I hope you two are able to work it out but I don’t think you will be able to without her going into individual and you both continuing with couple’s therapy.

The fact that you two had horrible fights after couple’s counseling isn’t as troubling as the fact that you’d gone so many years WITHOUT fighting. Fighting is healthy, if unpleasant, and is a sign that there is a LOT of pent-up conflict that both of you need to work through together if you’re ever going to have an emotionally satisfying relationship. My heart goes out to you, having experienced a somewhat similar situation in my own marriage (I can identify with your wife, unfortunately–it’s not a fun place for either partner to be). The only thing that I can tell you is to trust that it’s a good thing that your relationship is being shaken up right now. What you had before, while comfortable, was not built on honest connection & communication. It needed to change, however painful that process may be. Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

As a person who was separated, filed for divorce, stopped the divorce, went to marriage counseling for a year and divorced and remarried, I do have a little insight. 

I don’t think she’s being completely honest. Either there is someone else that is “distracting her” from giving 100% or she’s not being 100% honest with how she truly feels. 

It always takes 2 people’s actions to get where you are now. 

I 2nd the thought of you BOTH reading Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages”. Buy a copy for her and take it to her with flowers and a note saying “I’m not ready to give up on us yet”. It sounds like she isn’t ready yet either. If that’s the case, then yes, you have a chance to truly make this work. 

Start to go to a different marriage counselor. Even if it’s just by yourself and then have her come for an appointment once you have it set up. That way she won’t have an excuse. Tell  her you have been going and they asked that she come for one. Then she can decide if she wants to go again with you. With the last one being in January and just last week, neither of you could file for divorce, that couple months seems to have changed her emotionally. She might be more receptive emotionally now and open to counseling and truly working on your relationship. 

Marriage is a lot about compromise. I know our counselor told us both we had to find things to do with each other even if we didn’t like it. Do something with her she likes (even if you don’t), same with her doing something with you. Keep doing positive things, and that will start a positive cycle and have her think positive things toward you. Sadly, same goes for the negative, anything negative said or done will be met with negative actions or words right back at you. Our counselor called it the vicious cycle and it just keeps going on. So start a positive happy cycle and the other will want to reciprocate. Also, if there is ANY ONE else that is distracting either one of you, emotionally or physically, then it wont’ work. You have to promise to give 100% of each other to truly get over the hump. 

Marriage takes work, you can’t just toss it like a broken consumable item. You had a connection (hopefully you still do), you had vows and promises to each other, so promise each other to truly commit to try and work through this. Open communication is key. You have to be honest with the counselors, having a neutral 3rd party is so much easier to mediate than having a one on one with each other when there are issues. 

I truly hope you keep us updated. I feel for you. I was you in that same place before. Sadly for me, he didn’t want to try and just gave up on us and the kids, so even our marriage counselor said we just needed to divorce then. It can happen amicably at that point. At least I knew I tried everything I could think of first. Now I’ve found a great man that went through almost identically situation and we totally get each other in every way.

Either way, you can and will get through this.  ((((  BIG HUG  ))))

Post # 22
Member
8324 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

GuyinJersey:  Oh dear, that  is sad. But I think , as a pp has said, there is something  else going on. An  affair I would guess. Been there myself, not good …..

Hope it is not all going to  be too awful OP.

Post # 24
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

GuyinJersey:  So sorry to hear you’re going through this. 15 years is a long time… not sure if you guys have ever been with other people, but maybe with her it was a fear of missing out thing… 

I’m confident that one day you’ll be able to look back and realize it’s for the best. I know right now you are hurting real bad…. sorry this sucks 🙁 virtual hug  

Post # 26
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

GuyinJersey:  Umm…dude? To be totally honest, I’m not seeing what you did wrong. “Emotionally neglecting”? Don’t you think that, if that were really the case, she would have said something? I know my SO sometimes gets crazy focused with work and other projects, but whenever I feel like we need to reconnect I just say so and he comes right back! Even if you have been preoccupied lately, don’t you think a woman you have known for so long and who has been your romantic partner for so long would know how to tell you how she feels?

To me, it sounds like you absolutely adore her and that you have been trying your hardest to make it work. I think there is something else going on in her head that she isn’t saying. A person you have been so deeply connected with for so long shouldn’t be giving up so suddenly. Seems like something is going on with her, and instead of owning up to whatever it is she is doing or feeling, she is letting you shoulder all the blame.

You can absolutely try to continue counceling. It might still work out. But if I were you, I would try hard to focus on yourself right now. You sound like a really great guy, and to reiterate, it doesn’t sound like you actually have anything to do with whatever is going on with her. Continue the separation, focus on your own path and your own happiness. If she figures things out and comes back, great! If not, then she threw something amazing out the window and that’s her problem, not yours. 

Believe me when I say that there are droves and droves of women out there who would kill to be treated the way you have been treating your wife.

 

Post # 27
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

GuyinJersey:  OK, have to leave a second comment after reading some of your responses to other Bees. Everything you have said has validated my opinion even further. She is “uninspired”? Is tiptoeing around going to therapy?

I hate to be blunt, but I think you need to get out of this. Or at least, really try to keep her out of your life for awhile. If I can be perfectly honest, she sounds toxic. It sounds like she got a great guy, but “the grass is greener” and so on, etc. Again – go focus on YOU. Throw yourself into your passions. Send her the message that you are a great and interesting human being, with or without her.

Who knows? She might run right back to you when she sees the new you and feels “inspired”. And you just might find that you’re not so “inspired” with her anymore.

Post # 28
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

Ya I don’t get the emotional neglect. I’ve been emotionally neglected and begged literally cried to be noticed, to matter.  It went on for 17 years. We seperated, got back together with empty promises and broke up again..circle went on. Finally at the last straw I had an emotional affair.  Only my affair just began and I came right out and told my ex in hopes that he would finally leave again. He did but spent the next two years changing himself and trying to get me back. No..There was no way in hell I was going back. After that many years being nothing to someone who was supposed to love me I was happy to be free. 

Only we didn’t marry. Twice I started planning. Had venues rented, bought my dress and twice I backed out because I knew..This isn’t the man I want for the rest of my life. 

It’s too bad she didn’t back out sooner. 

Post # 30
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

GuyinJersey:  You have got to reread that last post you posted.  How can you think that you needed to do more?  Now I don’t know everything about your marriage, but I can tell you that just those things you listed are many many ways you showed her how much she means to you.  You put her above every other person and thing in your life.  How in the world can you show her more?  

In my opinion it wasn’t what you offered…it was what you didn’t.  To me it sounds like she is looking for a jet-set hyper type of life and she thinks the one you two have created is too boring.  

I honestly don’t see how you could have done more.  As PPs have said..there are women dying to meet someone like you and I am very sorry and sad, that the one woman who got that amazing chance..has thrown it and you away.  

 

 

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