(Closed) Need some female advice re separation

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

GuyinJersey:  I haven’t read all of the posts, so forgive me if these things have already been discussed. First of all, if she felt this way, she shouldn’t have just given you subtle hints, she should have just had a conversation with you. I’d recommend counseling. Even if this ends up not working out for you two (though I hope it does), you both will learn a lot about communication. It sounds like you both love each other very much – and honestly, it’s important for couples to not only be a couple, but to be friends, which is what a lot of people struggle with. You two are already best friends, so you’ve got that down. Go talk to a therapist and learn more about communication. My ex husband and I did exactly that, and it helped out a lot. Though we did eventually divorce, it had nothing to do with communication and more about his lack of monogamy. Best of luck!

Post # 32
Member
311 posts
Helper bee

It sounds to me that she has grown out of the life you two have shared, and she checked out emotionally because she no longer wanted that life. I’m quite sure that it has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t do; it’s probably that she just grew into a different person over time, that didn’t continue to mesh well with your person. 

You sound like a very sweet man. I’m sorry this has happened to you. The reality is that is sucks, massively, but also that over time it will get better. You as a person will change and grow due to this experience, and hopefully some wonderful woman will find and appreciate that new wonderful you! 

Post # 33
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

GuyinJersey:  I’m so sorry to hear of your update you are filing for divorce. 

Remember – divorces can be stopped. 

From your updates, and what your therapist said, it totally seems she was just wanting you to show your love in a different way that you did. Yes, you did do a lot but it’s not how she sees you showing love. 

Again, read “The 5 Love Languages” It’s not a long book but explains soooooo much of exactly what is going on here. 

If you can have a totally truthful conversation with her, I recommend her reading it too. Maybe suggest you both read it BEFORE you actually file for divorce.

Even if you do and you guys change your mind, divorces can be stopped to work on the marriage if you both truly want to try. It seems like she’s not wanting to really give 100% at the same time you are giving 100%. it’s different when she tries and you don’t or vice versa. That is not together. It seems she wanted you to show physically and emotionally and you did more mentally and by doing things. By you giving her “no contact” that is the exact opposite of what I’m sure she wanted from you. I’m guessing she wants you to show her “the big gesture”, fight for her, do everything you can to SHOW her you love her and will be there. No contact is the opposite. Go and tell her and show her that you are not ready to give up on your marriage yet. Ask her to try every possible avenue WITH you this time, not on her own. 

I will say..if there is someone else, then there is no hope unless she gives him up and gives 100%.  Try and talk to her open hearted…you have nothing to lose except her. 

Post # 34
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Either there is something you’re not telling us or as other posters suggested, she is having an affair. When you get married, you don’t just all of sudden one day say, “This isn’t working for me. I’m leaving.” No. You work through your troubles with your spouse. I don’t care how many hints she dropped, she had an OBLIGATION to say to you, “This marriage is not going the way I would like. I need certain things to change.” Instead of walking out the door and THEN telling you all the things you did wrong.

Point being, unless and until she is honest, I don’t see anything you can do.

Post # 35
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

You deserve better. She doesn’t appreciate you. You did all you could, she was just selfish and doesn’t know what she wants. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but there are much be tter women out there that would love to have a guy like you, and would recriprocate. It’s all a 2 way street, and I am sure you will find it. I’m sorry for this difficult time. Sending you a large internet hug.

P.S. I’ve broken down in starbucks too. It’s okay 🙂

Post # 37
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

 

GuyinJersey:  It wasn’t your fault! Her expectstions of how marriage is supposed to make her feel are effed up. I’m sure she is not a bad person or you would not have been longterm friends first — but she is bad news as a wife. She will have problems and will leave every guy who truly is good to her. She will end up alone but you will find the kind of love Michael Buble sings about in “Haven’t Met You Yet”. 

Hang in there, it’s normal to feel broken up inside if you are a good man who loved his wife. I see it with some of the men I know who are going through divorce, but it gets better.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 39
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I feel sure what you had was real but there seems to be this new set of women who leave their husbands for no worthy reason (just don’t believe in working to save the marriage when there are issues or for no reason at all. Some are good women otherwise who I like just fine  although my previous roommates wife was psychologically a mess (suicidal) AND extremely functioning at a high powered job.  I have several guy pals going through similar experiences. They are always the cutest and the best men too. In every case, the man valued marriage. In every case I know, it was the wife’s foolish loss.

 

I would be very devastated if that happened to me. Just look at WeddingBee boards and you will see you are not the only wonderful person who is usually lucky but then runs into something painful like this. It is NOT your fault & you are not alone.

Keep up that no contact. Worse case scenario is that it does not bring her back — though you just never know — and you divorce with your head high. And heal faster.

Post # 40
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

OMG, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

She sounds like a manipulative person who doesn’t want to be in love – she wants to be the star of her own movie, and you’re just not acting like the leading man in a rom-com. Normal women can figure out your love style, even if it differs from hers, and judge your love based on how you define love. They do not require you to change who you are to suit their adolescent fantasies.

My husband is very unromantic, but that’s okay. He defines love as being “supportive” and doing the laundry and the dishes when I’m tired from work, which I think is very similar to you. So even though I am not loved my my definition (which for me, is very physically demonstrative), I remember that, by his definition, I am loved.

I’m sorry that she couldn’t appreciate you for who you are and what you bring to the table. Just try to get through the divorce amicably – often women like this will try to get ALL OF THE MONEY – and focus on healing. Best wishes to you during this difficult time!

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