(Closed) Need some help… Follow up on not supposed to live together

posted 6 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@best10612: Our pastor required us to do premarriage counseling classes. We read a chapter out of a book and discuss it with him. The book makes me feel terrible. The book insisted that I move out. My pastor didn’t even address it. I think if living separate is something that you don’t want then you sound find a new officiant. I wouldn’t be able to do it either and I don’t feel that it’s wrong. Follow your own beliefs. You’ll continue to be miserable if youthis it because you’re being forced.

Post # 4
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I’m not terribly sure why you should be forced to live separately at all. If it is a sex thing, then you should just live in different rooms and abstain. I fail to see why you should live in different houses, and I’m not sure it is God’s will at all. After all, in ther UK then a person would have an engagement celebration and then would live together before marriage, traditionally (which is where the idea of “breach of promise” comes from). At any rate, I would simply find yourself a new officiant. After all, you are both adults. Why should you live with other people as if you were dependant children?

Post # 5
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was in the same position as you. My Fiance and I bought a house, but my parents insisted that I didnt move in with him because our wedding is JUST 3 months away. I had to put my foot down because we ARE paying for our wedding ourselves we couldnt afford a mortgage AND rent so I moved in. We’ve lived there for a month now and sleep in seperate rooms and we CHOSE to abstain from sex until our wedding day. It wasnt forced upon us, which makes it easier. Your relationship with God is just that YOURS. Nobody should impose or feel like they can TELL you how to be good Christians. I think that is why so many people hate religion.

My advice to you, is have a talk with God YOUR savior and Father in heaven, and do what you feel has been laid upon your heart. I have a question? Why does the pastor have to know you live together?

Post # 6
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

*cough*  Didn’t Mary live with Joseph before they were married?  (And, my knowledge of history is hazy, but I seem to recall sermons where they said people figured Jesus was Joseph’s because it was ok for engaged couples to sleep together.)  Did you talk to the pastor about whether it was sex or living together?  Because just moving out doesn’t mean no sex…and living together doesn’t guarantee sex.

I did not read your prior post, but I do think you are experiencing a lot turmoil over this.  I am not a practicing Christian, but it seems to me the thing to do would be to pray and talk to your Fiance about this.  Why does he oppose it?  (Why are you the one moving in with his aunt and not the reverse?)  We both really don’t want to follow through anymore but I can’t bear to think about finding a new pastor and hurting his aunt.  This seems to me the answer – you are doing it for the pastor and not for yourselves.

Post # 7
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Pray to God and ask Him what to do, just remember God always answers your prayers but usually not to the way we like Him to. Just trust Him no matter the answer. Hope things get better for u 🙂

Post # 8
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@best10612:  PRAY!!!!!!!!!!! TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!! Pray until that pride leaves. =)

You are doing this to please God! And part of pleasing God is falling under the authority of your spiritual leader, your pastor. The enemy HATES when we are obedient and he likes to do whatever he can to get us focued in places we shouldn’t be…. “Me” & “I”.

Call you FH aunt and ask her and her husband to come pray over and with you… call your pastor and get pray… call EVERYONE and get prayer! That you both need to be covered b/c you can feel that your own wants and desires are wanting to take over, but you know that anytime you are doing God’s will or getting closer to him the enemy if going to try and distract you.

Quit fighting, communicate, and pray… pray lots! Don’t wait till you feel like praying, take those moment where emotions are high and you both are feeling prideful (that “well I want…..”) and just shut your mouths about the subject and pray, aloud, together. Don’t wait fot the other to do it, just do it b/c you know that’s the only thing that is going to give you both the strength to walk this out.

I haven’t been in your exact situtaion, but have been in that place where doing what God asks seems impossible and I didn’t really want to do it anymore… especially when it came to the preperations for marriage that God was asking of us. Thankfully Darling Husband and I kinda took turns on being the “strong” one and we got good at one of us being the one to be humble, grab the others hand, and just start asking God to cover us, the Holy Spirit to speak to us and guide us, and that our peace and strength be restored… and we stayed there just talking to God together until that happened. It works!

I’ll definitley be praying for you two too! =)

ETA: I apologize for the hard truth that follows but I feel it must be said.

Following God is not about what, how, and when we want. Could you imagine what the bible would look like if it was made up of followers doing what they “wanted”? Moses didn’t want to go to Pharaoh and I’m sure Joseph didn’t want to be sold as a slave or thrown in jail, Gideon didn’t want to lead an army & Jonah didn’t want to go to Ninevah (he went but still missed what God had for him). And what about the disciples?… I’m sure they didn’t want to be martyred…. But most of all, Jesus made clear that he didn’t “want” to go to the cross if he didn’t have to, but wanted Gods will to be established in His life & the world.

Your spiritual leader is suppose to ask things of you (you as in everyone) that you don’t “want” to do, things you don’t “want” to give up, and grow in ways you don’t “want” to grow. It’s the enemy that works in “I want…” and “I don’t want..”

Please don’t let your own way and what you want right now get in the way of what God wants to do here, I PROMISE if you submit yourselves to God (just like all His followers we see in His word) He WILL do something amazing

Post # 9
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Rachel631:    Agree with this. 

Find a new officiant. 

Find someone who really cares what a hardship this will cause your and your Fiance. 

And find someone who will trust you both, as Christians, to live up to your word to not have sex for four months before your wedding, if that is what you and your Fiance decide, if you sleep in separate rooms under the same roof.

Your pastor sounds like a rigid and unkind person, and I wouldn’t want someone like that to be the one who married my Fiance and me.


Post # 10
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I completely understand why the pastor is enforcing this, but that’s only one interpretation of the Bible and you can find someone else. Most Biblical scholars say Mary and Joseph were not married when she became pregnant and gave birth to Jesus – yet they were travelling together and looking for ONE room at an inn.

My understanding from the Bible is that engagement is considered formal enough for sexual relations and cohabitation to begin. In my family’s culture (West Africa) it is also the case in traditional practice that engaged couples can be sexually active because the community is already preparing to accept them as a unit.

Post # 11
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My Fiance and I are also living together before we are married. During our pre-marital counseling through our church, it was suggested that we consider abstaining from sex for a period of time before the wedding. It was up to us whether or not we wanted to follow through with it, for what length of time, etc. That was it – no demanding, ultimatums, or pressure. It was also explained that asking or forcing us to move out would be a terrible idea because it would cause many unnecessary problems in the relationship. Which sounds pretty much like what you are going through right now. 🙁

It sounds like you are really struggling to do the “right” thing, whatever that may be. However, if both of you have come to the conclusion that moving out is NOT what you want to do, then I think you should be honest with yourselves and not go through with it. Like others have suggested, it would probably be best for you to find another pastor or officiant who would be willing to work with you.  

Best of luck to you.  

Post # 12
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Wow.. I’m just going to say I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I don’t really understand. I just read your first post (only the OP, not the answers), so you bought a house together, lived together, and now need to be apart for 4 months before the wedding. Because a pastor said so?

I had lots of religious education as a kid, spent a lot of time at church.. never once have I encountered a situation like this. Of course I know that for some people, it’s a personal choice to not live together before marriage/abstain/whatever.. but that’s it, a personal choice.

Where I am from, the church knows that we’re in 2012 and people have different lives, more choices, more possibilities, and embraces that. Especially since you lived together before, I have no idea how it’s supposed to be different if you live apart for 4 months. And who decided on those 4 months anyway? Is that just some arbitrary number the pastor spit out? Does he care so much more about exercising his power over you than about joining two good-hearted, religious people in holy matrimony? If he’s bothered by cohabitating he should just refuse to marry anyone who lives together before marriage, what he does sounds really hypocritical to me.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, this whole thing just gets me on edge a little. I think you need to do what is best for your relationship, and I think you should go look for another pastor. I wouldn’t want to be married by someone who thinks I need to prove him how strong my faith and my relationship are by following some rules he made up to settle his mind about marrying cohabitating people.

Post # 13
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

On one hand, it could just be the stress of the actual moving and change that is causing problems in your relationship; moving is one of the 4 or 5 most stressful life events, and it’s entirely possible that things will calm down in a week or two, once everyone’s had a chance to adjust. So do factor that in.

However, as a non-religious person who was raised very religious, I’m deeply concerned at your pastor’s request.  Not only is religion supposed to make your life better and not worse, there is no biblical or spiritual restriction on living in the same house. If your pastor says he cannot in good faith marry you if he feels you are having premarital sex, that’s perfectly fine, but he must also trust you to be honest with him, and if you decide to live in the same house and abstain from sex, then he should be willing to marry you when you say you’ve stuck to that pledge. 

Setting such an unreasonable requirement as maintaining separate households is in my opinion WAY beyond what a religious advisor should do.

I’d start looking for another officiant (understanding this may trigger a change of venue but if that’s what it takes, it might be the best route) or perhaps see if there is someone else at the church who can act as a mediator between you and the pastor. Perhaps having a “neutral” party can help you and the pastor come to a more reasonable term.

Post # 14
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@fishbone:  I was raised in a non-denominational evangelical church, but stopped attending when I left home. I came back to visit one Sunday a few years ago and the pastor announced to the congregation that (let’s call her Suzie) was banned from church until further notice because it turned out she’d been living with her Boyfriend or Best Friend and “refused to repent.” Not just banned – no one was supposed to talk to her at all and if she contacted anyone they were to refer it to the pastor’s wife. So the OP’s pastor doesn’t surprise me at all. When my mom asked me why I don’t have her pastor marry me and Fiance I laughed out loud.

Oh, and Suzie is married to that boyfriend now and expecting their first child.

Post # 15
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I don’t really understand, because technically youre already “living in sin”, by living together before marriage, so where did this random 4 months rule come from?  If you’re already “living in sin” then how does this obscure 4 month time frame change that????

Do what makes you feel comfortable, not what some guy is telling you is right. I don’t remember the bible saying its okay to “live in sin” as long as theres a 4 month buffer before your marriage…

Post # 16
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@shady_lane:  Biblically speaking…. that really isn’t an extreme instruciton.  I mean it’s the same one instruciton Paul gave the church of Corintian (yes New Testament believers) when a man in their congregation was embracing a lifestyle of sexual sin. He told them to meet about him as a congregation, approach him about the issue, and if he didn’t repent and change to “turn him over to satan for the killing of his flesh… that his soul might be saved”. Yea… totally New Testament followings.

The one thing that DOESN’T line up with that instruction was to not talk to her….. Paul and Jesus always directed that IF a believer chose to embrace sin that, as a follower, we should treat them just the same as the “sinner” or the world. Which we all know how Jesus was to the sinner, not tolerant but ever loving. =)

I just thought I’d throw that out there since I know in this culture and time it seems extreme to live biblically and sometimes we don’t even realize that some request do infact line up with New Testament living. =)

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