(Closed) Need some help… Follow up on not supposed to live together

posted 9 years ago in Christian
Post # 32
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@Cheeks225: I don’t believe I’ve missed the point. I’ve given the OP the best biblical counsel I know. Do I think it stinks having to do what’s been requested? YES! It does stink, but I know alot worse things that have been asked of people by God (yes I say by God b/c this man has been appointed by God to lead God’s people.. in this case specifically over the OP). In all reality, if the OP and her Fiance gave this over to God and let him work in it, there is NO HARM in them as individuals, as a couple, or in their walk with God that could come of it. And yes, I can say this confidently b/c I know God to be faithful to those who are obedient to Him EVEN with falliable man involved. If anything, God would never cause there to be turmoil or confusion in not following something. If this pastor was leading them astray and they went to God about it then the Holy Spirit would clearly advise them. That isn’t the case though… rather there is the struggle… the struggle that comes from our own desires trying to “win out” over God’s desires for us. We all have the choice to allow our desires to take precidence but in advising the OP I just couldn’t disservice her in that way. It’s not about how I think about it, it’s about what God can do in it! =)

 

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@best10612:  Yes you’re absolutely right! There are alot of Pastors that wouldn’t pay any mind to this. There are also pastors that wouldn’t have a problem with two people having sex since they were “on the way to” getting married, or many other things that don’t line up with God’s word. There are also pastors that ask things of people that clearly go against God’s word, which God warns about and tells His people how to know the difference and what to do in cases as such. The point is though that this is your pastor and what he’s requesting, while incredibly inconvenient and not something that ANYone would want to do, can also grow you closer to God…. IF you let it. It can grow trust, a deeper intimacy, and even restore heart hurts in you that just wouldn’t be done without that separation… all giving you an even stronger foundation for your marriage! Do I know to the extent?… of course not b/c I don’t know you BUT I DO know God and know that he wouldn’t put this on YOUR pastors heart and not have an awesome plan for you in it.

You certainly don’t have to do this, but having been in places very similar, I’d advise submitting to the spiritual authority of your pastor and let God work it out…. EVEN IF your pastor was way out in left field, I again know God and know that he would STILL do something great in you going along with what’s been requested since it doesn’t go against God.

You obviously are going to get alot of support to simply find another pastor here, but I truly believe that’s only becuase of the lack of submission we see today in God’s people and not because anyone giving that advice is looking as what effect your decision has on your walk with God and where it could or could not be as a result. Being a Christian has become something that is very casual and it’s been widely accepted that as soon as something is proposed to us that we don’t like or agree with then we can just find someone else, another church, to appease our own desires. =(

4 months is NOT that long… yes it seems like it, but when you take into account the lifetime you’re going to spend getting closer to God and this man, it really is just a small moment that if given the opportunity God can do GREAT things in.

I’m still praying for you!

Post # 34
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

this is insane!!!! i am not Christian, but I can appreciate and understand people abstaining before the wedding (my Fiance plan to abstain for at least a few weeks)….but why would God want to make you and your Fiance, two people who love each other and are getting married, be miserable by living apart? 

God’s word has been interpreted and misinterpreted by man for a long time. If you and your Fiance feel that living together makes you feel happy and blessed, why should you let a MAN tell you differently? You should answer to God, not some probably mis-guided pastor. Don’t you believe that ultimately. as long as what you’re doing isn’t hurting anyone else (as in murdering someone or stealing etc), that God would want you to be happy?

Post # 35
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

...it's true.

@ best10612 This should answer your question as to where God is.  I understand your struggle as a new christian.  I suggest you pray a lot and also a lot together with Fiance, as mentioned previously, a lot of times when you ARE doing the right thing is when you get the most opposition from the enemy which can manifest in all forms including emotional and mental turmoil.  As a new christian you have a choice, honor God’s will for you according to his instructions for our lives in his word the bible, and receive his blessing and his best for your life as a result of your sacrifice and obedience OR do as you please which may not cause you immediate detriment but I believe will cause you to miss the opportunity for christian and spiritual growth and the treasure to be found in your trial.  That is my 2 cents speaking the thruth to you in love, no judgement.  Choice is yours…

@amnystik Preach! 

 

Post # 36
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@runsyellowlites:  What u said is completely correct. If this were Facebook I’d like this lol

Post # 37
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@macbeth91512:  What on earth makes u think this is God doing this to them?! Its always easy to just blame God to ppl when the root of the problem is within ourselves

Post # 38
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012
Post # 39
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I just wanted to say I admire you for going through this. I am sorry that it is causing you strife. Pray for what is the right thing to do or pray for the current situation to strengthen your relationship with Fiance. I’ll pray for you two to learn lots from all this and that it will bring you closer together. Personally, when I have a dilema like this, I pray to God to fill my heart with the holy spirit so that I may know God’s Will. your pastor has the best intentions for you but if you chose a different pastor I wouldn’t think anything of it. Do what is right for you, Fi and GOD 😉

Post # 40
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have to say it really depends on what is important to you and your Fiance. If religion is a big part of your life and you feel like you’ll be disappointed if you don’t follow through then live separate and remember sacrifice isn’t easy and Jesus knows that for sure. I think one poster put it well in saying pray.

If marrying within that location is not as important, then find a location that does not require you to live separate, but really talk it out with your Fiance and also take time to think of what is truly important for you. Good luck! 

Post # 41
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@runsyellowlites:  I feel like I always read level-headed, biblically centered posts from you. I think you’re totally awesome.

Post # 42
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Riverviews Art Space

New officiant! My two cents. 

Its hard when you are in a situation and some see things very black and white.  Stuff comes up and you do the BEST you can, and many just cannot understand people’s situations.  Sorry you’re going through this though, that really BLOWS. 

Trying to do the right thing gets a little hazy when there are flawed people enforcing flawed views without any room to budge.

Definitely pray and talk with your Fiance. If you are following Jesus, walking with him, he will guide you.  Its not the pastor’s decision! 🙂

LOTS OF LOVE AND HUGS! 

Post # 43
Member
24 posts
Newbee

@Amnystik: I totally 100% agree with every single comment you made!! I also strongly believe that we as Christians need to seriously start seekings God’s heart and face more in these areas, and not just “be” the Christians we think and want to be. Culture and society has made certain things acceptable…things that goes in 100% against the word of God. The importance of submitting wholeheartedly under your spiritual leader is one that’s not yet been emphasied enough in our society of today, and its not seen as going into a covenant with a human…its about trutsing and knowing that the leaders are placed in that position of authority so that there is spiritual coverring and someone who you can be accountable to.

Its about honoring God, and in doing so you will want to honor the leader He’s placed over you (the pastor).

Post # 44
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@chelsea646 whoops just saw your response.

i think you miss my point–im saying that I dont believe God is “at fault” at all here–I believe the pastor is the one who is creating this situation. I don’t believe that God would want these people, who love each other and are getting married, to be unhappy.

Post # 45
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

A good friend of mine has an older brother who went through this same issue with his Fiance (they are now married). It was hard for them to decide what to do, but they decided that they did not think it was wrong to live together before the wedding, so they did (and were abstinent during that time; I think they even had separate bedrooms). I’m not a Christian, but I just wanted to add that you and your Fiance should be doing what YOU think is right, and that not everyone agrees on that.

You say you fight a lot about whether you’re trying to please the pastor or God. I think you guys need to figure that out ASAP. If you both think that you’re only living apart to please the pastor, then that’s a huge red flag that this is not the right pastor for you. I know Christian couples who lived together before getting married and did not believe there was anything wrong with that, and others who weren’t comfortable living together until they were married. You guys need to decide what is right for YOU and YOUR beliefs.

Post # 46
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Please stay strong in your original resolution to live apart the next four months! Just because there is tension doesn’t mean you are doing the wrong thing–no one said following Christ would be easy. Jesus himself said, in Matthew 10:34-39, ” 34“Do not think that I came to bring peace on the earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35“For I came to SET A MAN AGAINST HIS FATHER, AND A DAUGHTER AGAINST HER MOTHER, AND A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AGAINST HER MOTHER-IN-LAW; 36and A MANS ENEMIES WILL BE THE MEMBERS OF HIS HOUSEHOLD.

      37“He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38“And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39“He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.”

Even though you have already been living together, by separating before your marriage you will be repenting and turning to God anew, and he will strengthen you during this difficult time.

Speaking from a practical standpoint, if you have been having sex together or living together for most of your relationship, then your relationship has not been tested in the same way that it would if you were not having sex together. Married couples can go through very difficult times, including times where you may not be able to have sex together for a while, or permanently, due to impotence, an accident, surgery, staying with a sick child in the hospital, caring for aging parents who live in another state, etc. How do you really know that you can be faithful to each other without sex if you have never tested yourselves before marriage? Also, if you are sleeping together before marriage all the time, you do not really know if your future spouse has the self control to say no to sex if necessary. If you both know you can trust each other to stay faithful even at times when you are not having sex, this means a lot in feeling that you can trust each other to avoid infidelity and that you will keep on loving each other even if you cannot always have sex together due to life circumstances.

 @best10612 I’ll be praying for you at this difficulty time! Feel free to PM me if you wish

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