Post # 1
I have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. He has had depression episodes since he was a teenager, but has been depressed the last 2 years ( so almost all of our marriage). This has been very hard on me and I recently started seeing my own counselor (he sees one as well) because emotionally it is all becoming very taxing. Not only is he depressed, but he kind of became an alcholic trying to numb the pain of his depression. We were/still are having marriage problems as he has communication issues and so we don’t communicate the best. He also suffers from anxiety and so if I make a comment that I would like him to hep me with something or pick up after himself, he usually becomes upset and defensive. We can never solve anything it seems like.
So the last year he started to drink more and more, even though I asked him to stop. It wasn’t until his family found out about his drinking/depression issues that he has stopped drinking (he would sometimes cut when he was drunk and wasn’t helping the effectiveness of the pills he takes for depression). So he hasn’t been drinking for the past 6 weeks.. I should be happy that he stopped right? I am because it was chaotic how he would drinking a 6 pack or more quickly, but now I am missing doing that socially with him. I want to be able to do that with him sometimes (he didn’t have a problem with drinking when we got married), but he seems uncapable of handling alcohol while he is depressed. I support this…but I am having a hard time with NEVER being able to drink with him again. I want him to get better. I am also upset that it seems like everyone else I know in our lives don’t have these problems in their relationship and get to be happy. I know happy is subjective… but I feel cheated that all this has happened and we have barely been married.
If that wasn’t enough for our relationship… he in the last 6 months blind-sided me and said that he may not want children anymore. We had many talks on children.. how many, names, the house had to have at least 2 bedrooms for kids, etc. I have been trying to be there for him through his depression and other issues, hoping that he would get better and we could start a family. We always talked about trying for a family after we went back to our honeymoon spot for our 3rd Anniversary (in July). Now all of the dreams we talked about have been thrown out the window…. and I feel like I am going to be really burned in this relationship. I feel like he has changed the “rules” that we talked about where we got married. I helped him through his depression, he still doesn’t want kids and I have to eventually leave. I won’t give up my dream to be a mom…. but I wonder how much longer I should stay hoping he will want children with me. I think a lot of it is his depression and he said he doesn’t think he would be a good dad. But he also said our nephew that is 2.5 is too busy for him and he doesn’t want to do that.
I don’t want to get divorced… but what are everyone’s thoughts? I sometimes think there are too many issues in this relationship that will it ever have a happy future? His depression causes him to withdraw and so I don’t always feel like we are that close when he does that. Am I stupid to still be with him? Sorry this is so long!
Post # 2
Your husband has serious issues with alcohol dependency, and you’re upset you can’t drink socially with him anymore? Depression, coupled with anxiety, are really serious issues. I don’t blame him (and think it’s probably smart) to not want to start a family right now.
Depression is a hard thing to live with, but this falls into the “in good times and in bad” of the wedding vows. It colors everything. He doesn’t need you mad at him, he needs your support and understanding.
From the sounds of it, once his depression comes back under control, you can move forward. But your husband needs you by his side while he fights this battle.
Post # 3
THIS is rough and I’m sorry.
Its almost like you never got to be newlyweds and just got shoved right into hard tests of all those vows you made…and that is a tough road, lady.
Mr. 99 was injured very seriously right before we got married, so our honeymoon wasn’t so great because he was in pain and I can tell you that the entire 8 years we’ve been married have been hard, hard, hard because he couldn’t work, was hurting, was depressed and barely had any energy to get out of bed, much less invest in our marriage.
But I can tell you what got us through that was the certainty that I loved him and he loved me. The trust that he was the kind of man that I wanted to spend my life with and the faith that we would get through it together….and we have.
Nobody can tell you when its time to quit, that’s a decision you can only make for yourself. Personally, I would draw the line when I felt like my husband wasn’t willing to try anymore, when I was the one making all the sacrifices and changes to my plans and life while his remained intact and finally, I would walk out the door when it was clear that if I stayed I would be taking care of this person, looking out for this person and ignoring my own life just to stay afloat.
Best of luck and may happier days be in your very near future.
Post # 4
I agree that it isn’t a good time to start a family.. and I would never knowingly have a baby in this toxic and unhealthy environment. And I believe in my vows “in sickness and in health” and that’s why I haven’t left yet… even when I feel like he has been really nasty to me and only putting himself first. My fear is that… I WILL HELP HIM GET THROUGH THIS DEPRESSION and he STILL won’t want children. I would feel so burned. I also am 29 and if I want 2-3 kids, I can’t wait forever to have them.
I know it sounds selfish that I want to be able to drink socially with him… but NEVER being able to drink again with him just seems crazy. Everyone we know drinks socially and it is awkward that he isn’t having at least one drink. I feel like HIS NEEDS are always most important with everything.. he is depressed so we can’t be happy. He doesn’t want to drink, so we can’t. When he was drinking a lot.. if he didn’t want to stop, then he wouldn’t. I just want to feel like his team mate and I don’t feel that when he doesn’t want to communicate or share things with me. I try to make his mood better but he says he is still depressed, no matter how I try to help hiim. It is very emotionally taxing on me
Post # 5
Your husband may be an alcoholic; you cant make this about you. I don’t drink and when DH and I started dating he stopped drinking almost completely (he only has a margarita if he goes out with a friend). I have NEVER heard him mourn the fact that he can’t enjoy a cold beer with me during the summer, or a nice glass of wine with a steak, or that we had to have a sparkling cider toast at our WEDDING. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you are taking not drinking with him this hard, you may want to take a look at that. Usually the alcoholic is the one feeling those emotions, not the normie spouse.
Post # 6
And in regards to the kids issue. I’m sorry, I know that is really rough. I’m sure the depression is affecting his self confidence and he is questioning his ability to be a good father. None of us can tell you to stay or not, but I will tell you that DH and i have had some things thrown at us during our relationship- health issues with me, he lost his job, his father was arrested, we both are working two jobs now. But there was never a question of us not staying together through it. I feel like if you are asking when enough is enough, it’s already enough if you have to ask. Have you spoken to him about this?
Post # 7
You posted 7 months ago about your husband wanting a divorce, and by your admission your husband is dealing with mental health issues and alcohol dependency. Not being able to drink socially with him seems to be the least of your worries.
From the sounds of it, it’s not a healthy environment. Are you in counselling? Honestly, this would be too much for me.
Post # 8
I feel like your statement about the alcohol was a little harsh… your DH decided that when you were DATING. My husband didn’t have an issue with alcohol when we were dating and I MARRIED him not as a non-drinker and not as an alcholic. As a social thing.. I feel like he changed the rules and just expects there to be no issues with it. We were going to go back to our honeymoon resort, which was all inclusive (and was a special place to us), but now doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want me to drink at all. That seems selfish to me…I go back and forth between being supportive, but then feeling like he is selfish to ask me to give that up when I don’t have a problem. I don’t know, I haven’t had years to process this(he has only been sober 6 weeks) so my emotions are still all over about it.
We have had many talks about kids and our marriage. He has told me on and off again that I should leave because it would be the best thing for me. I never wanted to believe it, but as the depression has been going on longer and longer (with no end in sight), I am starting to believe him a little. I could find someone who isn’t depressed or an alcoholic and I may be happier. But I meant my vows so I haven’t left and am trying to help him get through this, but it has been very hard. He really can’t say anything to make me feel better about the kids issue as he doesn’t think he wants them, but he can’t be sure.
It would be so much easier to understand emotionally if it was a health issue because usually there is a course of treatment or something to help. Mental health issues just seem to be so much harder on all involved. 🙁 He is taking pills for depression and seeing a counselor, but none of it seems to be helping all that much.
Post # 9
I hope this isn’t harsh but if my husband was an alcoholic and he quit, I would never get upset that I couldn’t drink with him. Same way if he suddenly developed a peanut allergy, I wouldnt cry into my jar of peanut butter.
I would be thrilled that my husband is making changes for the better. He’s making sacrifices and sometimes in a marriage, compromise and sacrifice is necessary. YOU can’t never drink again, but you can support your husband by stopping at least for the short term.
As for the children thing, I would put that on ice until he starts recovering. Yes, it really sucks for you. Really. But he’s clearly not in the right headspace right now. Would you really want a child with someone who is unstable and prone to injuring himself?
None of us can tell you what to do – or if your husband might change his mind and want kids again. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice being a mom but at this stage, your husband really needs you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and I hope you can find some peace in your situation.
Post # 10
Thank you for your reply and perspective on the early years of marriage. That’s exactly how I feel… we never just got to be newlyweds that were blissfully in love the first years and then have things happen later. I’m sorry to hear about your DH being in pain for over 8 years, that isn’t fun at all. I just keep hoping things will get better…. but I am worried that I will be hoping too long and then when I leave to find someone else to have kids with it may be too late. We had dreams of waiting 3 years to have kids and to just be us for a while… but now that 3 years is approaching quickly we are no where near ready to have a baby. I just feel cheated.
I don’t feel like he can emotionally be there for me when he is destraught mentally himself. It has been very hard and so that is why I am wondering what is the best thing for me. I meant my vows, but at some point I have to feel happy myself. I wish I could see the future if he would get better.
Post # 11
I’m with the previous bees on this – for better and for worse, your husband needs you by his side while he fights this battle. Sounds like you are being selfish…what if you leave and god forbit he commits suiscide? Have you thought about this?
What if this was you? What if the tables were turned? How would you feel if your spouse gave up on you? Do the vows mean nothing?
Our grandparents and great grandparents didnt divorce…divorce is an easy way out. Marriage is work and devotion. Sorry this is harsh but its true.
Post # 12
I’m sorry if it came across as harsh. I would get into alanon to get some support. He is still very early in his sobriety, but there is no reason why you can’t drink once he has recovered from his alcoholism and it no longer bothers him to be around it.
In the short term you need to decide what is more important- being able to have a drink around your DH, or supporting him through his disease. If he had diabetes and he didn’t want you eating cake around him, would you be upset? If he had cancer and the treatment was making him sick, would you feel like he had changed the rules on you in that instance? Because like it or not, it’s the exact same thing. Just because there is a stigma around this disease doesn’t make it any less of a disease that they cant help having. They have control over getting help, but not about having it.
Because this IS a disease and this will kill him if he doesn’t get help. I have lost multiple friends through the years to this disease.
Post # 13
I’ve totally been where you’re at….it was a long hard road to Mr. 99 getting better and even the very end of that was something I don’t think I could survive a second time if I wanted!
There were a lot of times through the years where I wondered if this was the right thing, if this marriage could survive, if WE could ever get through it and start living like everyone else got to. I thought about leaving A LOT…and Mr. 99 and I talked A LOT…and the one thing we just could never let go of was how much we love each other.
Its funny how the little things can be the most upsetting…some of the ladies here are harping on you about being upset but I get it…I like to drink and I married a man that likes to throw them back as well…hell we brew our own beer during the summer, its a BIG part of our lives and if that was taken away, for whatever reason, it would go in the pokey pile of “Things You’ve Lost” and that’s a shitty pile to watch grow while everyone else is having kids, going on vacation, taking kissy face photos and you’re at yet another doctor, another MRI…another surgery…you loose so much…and then you loose some more….don’t feel bad about being sad, you’re entitled to that much.
I’m certain you meant your vows as much as all of us…hopefully you’ll get some clarity and get through it to better days.
Post # 14
We all like to think that our love can heal our partners but the truth is your husband needs more help than you can give him.
It is not “crazy” to be unable to drink socially ever again with your spouse when he is an alcoholic. You have said that you want him to recover yet your biggest concern is that you cannot drink with your husband again. That strikes me as rather selfish because drinking socially with your husband seems more important than his emotional health.
At age 29, you still have 6 more years before your fertility starts to decrease dramatically. Maybe your husband doesn’t want kids JUST NOW because he is overwhelmed with his illnesses. Why not give him a couple of years to improve and then revisit the decision to have kids then? In the meantime, you can encourage your husband to see a psychiatrist as well as a counselor. If you reach the age of 33 and your husband still does not want children, you will have to decide if you can stay in your marriage. It is certainly possible to have a healthy pregnancy and baby after 35, but the risks increase for miscarriage, infertility and birth defects. It wouldn’t be fair for a child to have a father who doesn’t want him or her either.
Post # 15
could you possibly be mourning the relationship in general, and it’s not so much about not being able to drink with him?