(Closed) Need some help… I don't know what to do with my marriage!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

Your husband has serious issues with alcohol dependency, and you’re upset you can’t drink socially with him anymore? Depression, coupled with anxiety, are really serious issues. I don’t blame him (and think it’s probably smart) to not want to start a family right now.

Depression is a hard thing to live with, but this falls into the “in good times and in bad” of the wedding vows. It colors everything. He doesn’t need you mad at him, he needs your support and understanding.

From the sounds of it, once his depression comes back under control, you can move forward. But your husband needs you by his side while he fights this battle.

Post # 3
Member
5949 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

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doglover2389:  THIS is rough and I’m sorry. 

Its almost like you never got to be newlyweds and just got shoved right into hard tests of all those vows you made…and that is a tough road, lady.

Mr. 99 was injured very seriously right before we got married, so our honeymoon wasn’t so great because he was in pain and I can tell you that the entire 8 years we’ve been married have been hard, hard, hard because he couldn’t work, was hurting, was depressed and barely had any energy to get out of bed, much less invest in our marriage.

But I can tell you what got us through that was the certainty that I loved him and he loved me.  The trust that he was the kind of man that I wanted to spend my life with and the faith that we would get through it together….and we have.

Nobody can tell you when its time to quit, that’s a decision you can only make for yourself.  Personally, I would draw the line when I felt like my husband wasn’t willing to try anymore, when I was the one making all the sacrifices and changes to my plans and life while his remained intact and finally, I would walk out the door when it was clear that if I stayed I would be taking care of this person, looking out for this person and ignoring my own life just to stay afloat.

Best of luck and may happier days be in your very near future.

Post # 5
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Your husband may be an alcoholic; you cant make this about you.  I don’t drink and when DH and I started dating he stopped drinking almost completely (he only has a margarita if he goes out with a friend). I have NEVER heard him mourn the fact that he can’t enjoy a cold beer with me during the summer, or a nice glass of wine with a steak, or that we had to have a sparkling cider toast at our WEDDING. I mean this in the nicest way possible, but if you are taking not drinking with him this hard, you may want to take a look at that. Usually the alcoholic is the one feeling those emotions, not the normie spouse. 

Post # 6
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

And in regards to the kids issue. I’m sorry, I know that is really rough. I’m sure the depression is affecting his self confidence and he is questioning his ability to be a good father. None of us can tell you to stay or not, but I will tell you that DH and i have had some things thrown at us during our relationship- health issues with me, he lost his job, his father was arrested, we both are working two jobs now. But there was never a question of us not staying together through it. I feel like if you are asking when enough is enough, it’s already enough if you have to ask. Have you spoken to  him about this? 

Post # 7
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee

You posted 7 months ago about your husband wanting a divorce, and by your admission your husband is dealing with mental health issues and alcohol dependency. Not being able to drink socially with him seems to be the least of your worries. 

From the sounds of it, it’s not a healthy environment. Are you in counselling? Honestly, this would be too much for me. 

Post # 9
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I hope this isn’t harsh but if my husband was an alcoholic and he quit, I would never get upset that I couldn’t drink with him. Same way if he suddenly developed a peanut allergy, I wouldnt cry into my jar of peanut butter.

I would be thrilled that my husband is making changes for the better. He’s making sacrifices and sometimes in a marriage, compromise and sacrifice is necessary. YOU can’t never drink again, but you can support your husband by stopping at least for the short term.

As for the children thing, I would put that on ice until he starts recovering. Yes, it really sucks for you. Really. But he’s clearly not in the right headspace right now. Would you really want a child with someone who is unstable and prone to injuring himself? 

None of us can tell you what to do – or if your husband might change his mind and want kids again. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice being a mom but at this stage, your husband really needs you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and I hope you can find some peace in your situation.

Post # 11
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I’m with the previous bees on this – for better and for worse, your husband needs you by his side while he fights this battle. Sounds like you are being selfish…what if you leave and god forbit he commits suiscide? Have you thought about this?

What if this was you? What if the tables were turned? How would you feel if your spouse gave up on you? Do the vows mean nothing?

Our grandparents and great grandparents didnt divorce…divorce is an easy way out. Marriage is work and devotion. Sorry this is harsh but its true. 

 

Post # 12
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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doglover2389:  I’m sorry if it came across as harsh. I would get into alanon to get some support. He is still very early in his sobriety, but there is no reason why you can’t drink once he has recovered from his alcoholism and it no longer bothers him to be around it. 

In the short term you need to decide what is more important- being able to have a drink around your DH, or supporting him through his disease. If he had diabetes and he didn’t want you eating cake around him, would you be upset?  If he had cancer and the treatment was making him sick, would you feel like he had changed the rules on you in that instance?  Because like it or not, it’s the exact same thing. Just because there is a stigma around this disease doesn’t make it any less of a disease that they cant help having. They have control over getting help, but not about having it.

Because this IS a disease and this will kill him if he doesn’t get help. I have lost multiple friends through the years to this disease. 

Post # 13
Member
5949 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

View original reply
doglover2389:  I’ve totally been where you’re at….it was a long hard road to Mr. 99 getting better and even the very end of that was something I don’t think I could survive a second time if I wanted!

There were a lot of times through the years where I wondered if this was the right thing, if this marriage could survive, if WE could ever get through it and start living like everyone else got to.  I thought about leaving A LOT…and Mr. 99 and I talked A LOT…and the one thing we just could never let go of was how much we love each other.

Its funny how the little things can be the most upsetting…some of the ladies here are harping on you about being upset but I get it…I like to drink and I married a man that likes to throw them back as well…hell we brew our own beer during the summer, its a BIG part of our lives and if that was taken away, for whatever reason, it would go in the pokey pile of “Things You’ve Lost”  and that’s a shitty pile to watch grow while everyone else is having kids, going on vacation, taking kissy face photos and you’re at yet another doctor, another MRI…another surgery…you loose so much…and then you loose some more….don’t feel bad about being sad, you’re entitled to that much.

I’m certain you meant your vows as much as all of us…hopefully you’ll get some clarity and get through it to better days.

Post # 14
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

View original reply
doglover2389:  

We all like to think that our love can heal our partners but the truth is your husband needs more help than you can give him. 

It is not “crazy” to be unable to drink socially ever again with your spouse when he is an alcoholic. You have said that you want him to recover yet your biggest concern is that you cannot drink with your husband again. That strikes me as rather selfish because drinking socially with your husband seems more important than his emotional health. 

At age 29, you still have 6 more years before your fertility starts to decrease dramatically. Maybe your husband doesn’t want kids JUST NOW because he is overwhelmed with his illnesses. Why not give him a couple of years to improve and then revisit the decision to have kids then? In the meantime, you can encourage your husband to see a psychiatrist as well as a counselor. If you reach the age of 33 and your husband still does not want children, you will have to decide if you can stay in your marriage. It is certainly possible to have a healthy pregnancy and baby after 35, but the risks increase for miscarriage, infertility and birth defects. It wouldn’t be fair for a child to have a father who doesn’t want him or her either. 

Post # 15
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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doglover2389:  could you possibly be mourning the relationship in general, and it’s not so much about not being able to drink with him? 

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