Post # 1
We are getting ready to send out save the dates and I am having total anxiety over who does/doesn’t get one among a particular group of my friends…
I have a group of about 12 girlfriends. About half of them will for sure be invited to the wedding, so will be getting save the dates. However, while I really like and enjoy the other girls, we are not as close individually…more connected via "the group," which gets together at least 1-2 times/month, so I do see them quite a bit.
If numbers allow, I plan to invite as many of these girls as possible to the wedding, but we just won’t know how hard our "cuts" will have to be until a bit closer to the date. My concern is that the girls who do get an STD will either mention it at a group get together, or have it sitting out in their homes and the other girls could see them/hear about them and possibly feel bad. Ugh.
QUESTION…would it be wierd/poor form to email the girls who are getting an STD and just ask them not to mention it to the other girls? Am I just worrying too much about it all?
How do people deal with "fringe" friends when it comes to save the dates?!
Post # 3
I would do an all or nothing approach to the girls especially since you all socialize in a group.
My guess is that your wedding will be the topic of discussion and since you all get together I am not sure they really need a STD as the girls will all know when and where your wedding is. Come closer to the time of the actual invites you will know exactly how much room you have to invite the girls.
Post # 4
I definitely think you should send one to all or nothing as well. When it gets closer and you know how many you can invite then invite those. If you can’t invite all then just the girls you can privately that you are only inviting them due to cost and space so you would appreciate it if they did not mention it around the others. At this point I would not send or say anything.
Post # 5
I third the advice: don’t send Save-The-Date Cards to any of them if you’re not going to send them to all of them. I’m sure they know when the wedding is cause you’ve discussed it in the group, so that should be enough information for now. That way no one is hurt or forced to keep secrets.
Post # 6
Yup. Remember, Save-The-Date Cards were originally thought up to let out-of-towners plan ahead for travel, so you could just stick to that idea. I assume since the group gets together regularly, they’re not far away, so just send Save-The-Date Cards to family (because they might want the momento) and to your out of town guests. Spread the word to the rest just by talking to them. Then you can decide closer to the wedding 🙂
Post # 7
The only comment I have is that you’re going to have to face up to this eventually. If you don’t invite the "others" down the road you’ll be in the same boat.
We’re not sending STD cards to everyone – just the A list guests – but I don’t really have a situation where they might "find out" – but I’ll have to deal with it if they ask – in which case I’m going to be honest and tell them I don’t know about numbers.
Post # 8
We sent Save-The-Date Cards to everyone that we were sure we would invite, regardless of where they lived, mostly because our wedding was in July – prime vacation time – and we wanted people to know before they made their summer plans. There were several people who didn’t get one, mostly because we were sort of on the fence about whether to invite them. When they (inevitably) asked about the wedding, and whether they were going to get an invitation, I just told them honestly that while I would love to invite everybody, we were both space and budget limited. So I would have to let them know once I had a better idea how many family would be coming, and what everything was going to cost. Anybody who is not a complete jerk will understand, and even be a little embarassed about asking.
You could just not send Save-The-Date Cards to any of them, but trust me, at least a few of them are going to ask about the wedding, and when it is, and where, and whether they are going to get an invitation – even if none of them get an STD. So you’re going to have to deal with this sooner or later (at least by the time that you actually invite some of them but not all of them). You might as well suck it up and do it early.
Also, I don’t know whether your limitation is space or money, but I can tell you that if you have room, it’s probably worth juggling your budget a little to be able to invite them all – particularly if you think anybody is going to have really hurt feelings over being left out. I know that it’s probably hard to see now, but I know I was seriously militant about the guest list early in the planning process – and by the time we sent out invitations, and I understood how much money we were spending, it didn’t seem like such a big deal to add 10 people more or less. You add a few dinners, you cut back a little on the flowers, you serve a little less expensive wine maybe. All much better than stressing about whether you’re going to damage a relationship (IMO).
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2009 - Cathedral of the Sacred Heart & The Jefferson Hotel
I ran into a very similar issue. In the end when I sent out my Save-The-Date Cards I juse sent them to the ones I was DEFNATELY inviting, and hoped there wouldn’t be any questions from the others. This backfired on me though, because there were questions and people were angry. Those who were ok with it were wonderful and understanding, but I have one girl who is very upset. It kind of turned out that the ones who she knew got them were also the ones in the wedding party, but that excuse wasn’t enough for her and she has been a bit nasty about it. We are now finalizing the list to send actual invitations, and while she was high on our "B" list before, her attitude over a little STD has bumped her way down, and I doubt she will be invited at all.
Moral is, I guess you will find out who really cares about you and who just cares about getting the invite. Other girls were so nice and completely understood, while some just seemed to be selfish. It’s sad really, but I think the best bet is to be honest! Good luck!