(Closed) Need some perspective… Sister/Maid of Honor divorce drama

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee

If you honestly think she can’t handle it, ask her to step down. She should be mature enough to handle that and not make your wedding all about her. If you just want her out of the limelight, just in case she tries to “steal the attention”, I’d say that is stupid. Yes, she may be dramatic, but ignore her and move on. So I vote for both parties being mature adults going forward and talking to her openly and honestly about your fears. If she can’t handle a conversation, then you have your answer. 

This situation does suck bad though. I hate it when people lie about when they get married and then expect people not to be upset. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That is really unfortunate for you too, because you rearranged your timeline so she could have her day in the sun…

Post # 18
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@distracts:  ? By fake wedding you mean, what?

Post # 19
Member
3479 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I just feel bad that you have a sister who is so much drama. It seems like you all really support you (posponing your engagement, cutting your vacation short…) and she takes advantage of that. Just try to keep your distance from her; I’m sure she won’t do anything to mess up your wedding!

Post # 20
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You are getting married to the love of your life in front of your friends and family.  You will be the center of attention.

I’ve had a couple of friends go through divorce. The drama doesn’t happen when everything is finalized, the drama happens during the initial split.  By the time your wedding comes around, your sister might even have a new beau. 

People might talk and people might pity her, but probably only family.  You have all your friends and your fiance’s family giving you their individed attention. 

This while situation sucks, but I really doubt it will affect your wedding.  I’m sorry that your family is going through this difficult time.

Post # 22
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

Do not make this day about anyone other than you and your fiance. Do not cancel or postpone or do anything other then spend that day thinking about the rest of your lives together. Yes, it sucks absolutely that her husband (of 2 plus years) cheated on her and they are divorcing. It sucks that they lied and your parents paid for the wedding and you were a nice sister who postponed her engagement/wedding to let her have some spotlight. You totally have a right to be angry. I feel terrible for you…and I think it’s something you and your fiance SHOULD talk about so you can both get past it before the wedding and spending time with your sister again.

But your wedding day is about you two.

I think your update about letting it be her decision whether or not to stand up there is exactly what you should do. Do you have other bridesmaids that can help you out with planning/last minutes things over the next 7 weeks? If so, reel them in if you need help now. Let your sister grieve her marriage and let her know you are there for her (with no judgment, as that’s not what she needs right now.) 

BUT, in the lead up to your wedding, don’t let yourself get caught up in her sadness and her drama, make it a point to check in on her via phone or whatever once a week or whatever is reasonable, let her know you care and ask how she’s doing. Everyone else’s life doesn’t stop when someone gets divorced but I think that all too often, people speak only about the person getting divorced, as opposed to filling them in on what is new in the other people’s lives, etc. – This is of course if you want to play this role. 

 

Post # 23
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@swedeypie:  One in which the real purpose of the ceremony is withheld from everyone from those hosting it down to the guests. Two years later, this clearly fits in the “vow renewal” sort of category. What on earth would have been wrong saying “We got married privately years ago and now feel ready to make a public declaration of our committmet to each other, we invite you to join in our celebration”? Nothing. That would have been great. Many people would have been just as excited as with a wedding. What is wrong is to lie about it.

 

Also color me not surprised that a relationship that started out with lies ended in lies. I mean… at some point you have to figure that if someone is willing to lie to the people hosting the wedding and all the people attending, might they be willing to lie to you too?

 

CityBearBride, I’m so sorry that this drama is happening so close to your wedding. I can’t imagine the extra stress it must put on. I am sure though that it won’t overshadow your big day. It might be tough for your sister to get through your wedding, but if she really, truly wants to, I would not deny her that opportunity. If nothing else, it will give her something else to focus on.

 

Post # 24
Member
6582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I stood up in one of my best friend’s wedding 3 months after my husband walked out on me.  Was it hard?- sure.  But I would not have missed it and it was an honor to be a bridesmaid.  But that’s me- your sister may not handle it so well from what you stated.  Your family will make it through and your wedding will be beautiful.

Post # 25
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Bostongrl25:  It absolutely was a fake wedding that OP and her family were led to believe was REAL, and they  shelled out a lot of cash for this whole charade. Despicable if you ask me. 

Post # 26
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Your sister is crazy.  You should go ahead with your wedding and if she isn’t up to attending… meh she’s not up to attending.  

 

I really have to say you’ve been a great sister.  If one of my brother’s pulled this crap I would have decked him. 

Post # 27
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@distracts:  Oh ok, I agree.

 

 

 

One of my good friends did this (got married for legal purposes) and it caused a huge array of problems trying to keep it from her mom….I, on the other hand, am getting LEGALLY married to my fiance (simply signing the papers, no vows) then having a wedding a few months later because the legal part is on a time constraint, but everyone knows about it. Not just my parents, but all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins and friends. Had I not experienced it first hand, I may’ve agreed with the OP’s sister and my friend about keeping it secret, but having gone through it, it never crossed my mind not to tell my family…seems crazy! 

 

Post # 28
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@CityBearBride: “If she had told us at the time that they were getting married so Marcus could stay in the country, we would have told her not to do it, that it sounds really fishy.”

Honestly, that’s a red flag right there. I’m in the same boat your sister was – I’m marrying a man who will get to legally live in the United States after we’re married. But at no time have we been getting married so he can “stay in the country.” We’re getting married because we love each other, and we want to spend the rest of our lives together. The SO getting to stay in the USA should just be an extra bonus! If anyone ever says, “we’re getting married so he can live here…..the fact that we’re dating is just an added bonus.” Yeah….DEFINITELY talk them out of it. 

Post # 29
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@CityBearBride:  Just from this period. If she can’t handle anything wedding related, how in the world is she going to uphold her duties as an Maid/Matron of Honor…could you imagine what she might say at a toast? Be frank with her, as she has recently been with you, life is too short to pool the wool over your eyes.

Just be solidly frank say look, are you up to it or not? I have a short time to have the ball rolling on this, I need a team for my day, not a disaster waiting to happen. If you’re comfy on the sidelines, then I’ll make a special place for you there, but I need a solid HELL YES if you’re going to work on this with me or not.

I tip-toed around my family when I was younger and as soon as I planned my own wedding, I let people know WAY up front that if you’re doing this, you’re in, if you’re not sure, back out. I come from some blunt people like that. I aint’ afraid to tell someone, uhmm no I ain’t having 80’s bows everywhere.

jeeze i lucked out with my mother, she could trump your sister’s card by a mile and then some. My grandparents had a RESTRAINING ORDER.. yes her PARENTS had this on her, therefor she could not be at the wedding. Wedding is gona happen wether or not people want to be a part of it or not. Remember that its YOUR day!

Post # 30
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@CityBearBride:  I think that your sister is going to have to deal with the fact that people get married and willl be happy. It’s not your fault that you met a great guy that wouldn’t do something like this to you. I would ask her HOW she feels about going to your wedding and if it’s something she can handle. That gives her an out if she feels she needs it. Tell her you are concerned about her feelings but YOU can’t wait for your wedding day.

DH had a cousin (the only normal one according to him) that RSVP’d to our wedding for him and his wife. A couple of weeks before the wedding, we heard from his mom that they wouldn’t be attending our wedding b/c they were getting divorced. The cousin felt really bad about it but knew he wouldn’t be able to be there emotionally. We told his mom that we understood and there weren’t any hard feelings.  

 

Post # 31
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would be so irritated if I were your parents. but, lesson learned (hopefully) for your sister. I wouldnt worry about it. this is your time now, not hers. 

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