(Closed) Need some serious FMIL advice for my wedding dress shopping day :( Sorry, long

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would say that when you go dress shopping only bring your mother not her.  You can tell your FMIL that you want a special day for just you and your mom and you would think she would understand.  Mother of the groom doesn’t have to be a part of all the planning.  My husband’s mother helped but not with everything.  There were things that my husband and I just did or my mom and I just did.  Good luck!

And don’t get too disheartened with the comments.  On your day nothing else will matter but you and your husband to be ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 4
Member
4339 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I like autumn865’s reply. but you’ve already invited your Future Mother-In-Law and have to bring her with, try to talk the consultant privately about your budget, so that she only brings out dresses that you can afford. If you find one you look good in & want, there is no need for Future Mother-In-Law to know what the price tag says.  Try avoiding the talk of price all together – let her talk about FSIL’s wedding if she wants, just don’t let her start openly comparing the prices.

You may want to warn your mom that Future Mother-In-Law is materialistic and likes to brag about money/expenses so she’s not taken off guard.

Post # 5
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Tiffanyrami:  If you feel it will be an issue I think you have 2 options:

1. Have your Fiance talk to his mother and explain that while his sister’s day was wonderful, you both would appreciate her getting excited for your day. Also, if she wants to be involved in the planning she cannot continue to bring up the money issue as it is making you ( and in the future your mother) uncomfortable.

2. Don’t invite her dress shopping.

However, I think either way the message needs to come from Fiance as it is HIS mother. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I agree. Never once did I even consider inviting my Future Mother-In-Law (or anyone other than my mom) to go dress shopping with me. That should be something for just you and your mom.

I would do my best to ignore her materialistic comments. I have found that many people make comments like that to get a rise out of others. Once she see’s that her statements don’t phase you, it won’t be “fun” for her anymore and she will stop.

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would not bring her dress shopping.  It will be a special moment for you and your mom, and seeing as she also has a daughter she should appreciate this.  I know for me, Fiance thought I should bring his mom, I said I wanted the dress to be a surprise for everyone else and that put a quick end to that conversation. 

Even still I think it is okay to change your mind if she has been invited. I initally told FI’s grandma (the dress was at her house since she lives down the street and Fiance didn’t want to see it) that I would try it on and show her. I later explained I decided I wasn’t going to since I wanted it to be a surprise on the wedding day. Granted my explanation had to do with the fact that she has a big mouth and had said that she would never wear a sash with my dress since it would make my waist look big….

It sounds like you are planning just the wedding you want, be adamant that you are happy with your choices, and it was nice that she got the big wedding experience with her daughter, but you and her son have a different vision.  If that fails, send your lovely Fiance to express to her how she has to zip it.

 

Post # 8
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Have your Fiance talk to his mother.  We have somewhat similar situations– my parents are being amazing, incredibly, fantastically generous and giving us more than I could have ever hoped for… which is half of the price of FBIL’s wedding. Fiance handles his mother.

Post # 9
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

Ugh! I got SO steamed reading your post! I just can’t imagine. This woman sounds awful. Seriously awful. I’m sorry, I know she is your Future Mother-In-Law but damn! I am from a somewhat affluent family and I am having one of those $40k plus weddings and if my mother EVER did that I would KILL her. People just should NOT talk about money like that. How totally, totally classless. You need to tell your Fiance ASAP. In fact, I would basically read him your post. Then he needs to talk to his mother. Not sure if you already invited Future Mother-In-Law to dress shopping, but if you did you may wonder if it is worth risking upsetting your mother like this. Money comes and goes. Some people luck out and have it, while other people having a harder road. To throw what you have in someone else’s face is classless, cruel and inconsiderate. Also, in my experience, the people who brag about material things tend to not only be insecure but to not have nearly as much as they claim they do. The wealthiest people I know (and I know some very wealthy people) are humble, unassuming and very modest. Just some food for thought

Post # 10
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I am sorry to hear this! 

I will give your Future Mother-In-Law the benefit of the doubt she and your Future Sister-In-Law are insensitive.  And at the same time, I think you should just filter what their comments are and do not constantly compare your budget to theirs.  Everyone has a different budget to work with, enjoy your planning ๐Ÿ™‚

And I would leave Future Mother-In-Law to your Fiance.  It’s his mother afterall.  Have him talk to him to become more sensitive on the money subject issue since his parents are not really helping out for the whole wedding. 

Dress shopping.  I did bring both moms for the first fitting since I figured I probably have multiple ones anyways.  I invited Future Mother-In-Law just as a polite gesture.  She did go and was nice about it. But as far as the wedding goes, I don’t involve my Mother-In-Law as much as my mother.  I feel like this is a more mother-daughter experience.  Mother-In-Law had a chance with her daughter before, now is my mom’s turn.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If she keeps commenting on the small guest list, just tell her you and your fiance are hosting the wedding that you want and that you can afford.  If she brings up SIL’s wedding, say you are sure it was a wonderful event that reflected SIL’s personality, just as your wedding will reflect your and your FI’s personalities.

Post # 13
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Maybe go dress shopping first just with your Mom, then bring Future Mother-In-Law for round #2, when you’ve narrowed down your choices?

I feel your pain- Future Mother-In-Law brings up FSIL’s wedding (almost 2 years ago, which I went to) ALL the time. It was also probably a $50K wedding,, and Father-In-Law only contributed $10K- the groom’s parents wanted to impress their friends, and went all out. I’m at the point where I’m ready to say “would you stop comparing our wedding to hers?” I don’t know if that’s her intention, but it is driving me up the wall.

Can you give your Mom a heads up of how Future Mother-In-Law might behave? If she’s prepared for it, it might  be easier for her.

Post # 14
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Tiffanyrami:  This might be a stupid question, but can you say to her what you said to us? Simply that you were very excited about FSIL’s wedding, loved how beautiful it was, that she has every right to be proud about it, etc., etc., etc., but, you aren’t working from the same budget and her comments about FSIL’s wedding while doing things for your wedding are hurtful to you because they make you feel badly about your budget. Manners are a big deal in the South, if you tell her that she’s doing something that is hurtful to you, I don’t see how she has any choice but to stop. And I don’t think it’s rude of you to be honest with her (especially if you really lay on the praise of FSIL’s wedding).

Post # 15
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

1. dont invite her for dress shopping. I didnt invite my Future Mother-In-Law because we arent that close and I really wanted a special day with no stress (she stresses me out). I dont think there is any obligation to invite the Future Mother-In-Law, but its sometimes nice to do so. Unless you’ve already invited her I cant imagine she would be expecting it!

My parents paid for the brothers entire wedding (including my SIL dress) and my mom still didnt get invited to go dress shopping with them

 

2. I would talk to her if you feel comfortable. Explain that this style of wedding is more your taste- you like simplicity and whats youve always envisioned. She cant argue with that!

Post # 16
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@bythebook:  I agree.

It sounds like she’s living in a different world and assuming that she DOES really like you then I’m sure she’s not trying to hurt you or your mom. I’d talk to her and let her know how it makes you feel and how your mom might feel about it. If not then do what one of the pp’s said and do two trips, one with your mom and one with Future Mother-In-Law.

The topic ‘Need some serious FMIL advice for my wedding dress shopping day :( Sorry, long’ is closed to new replies.

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