- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
Hi ladies, you have always been so lovely and helpful to other bees with their intimacy issues, I’m hoping you can help me too. This is going to be long, so I’m thanking you in advance. Or just scroll down for the recap.
First, some background: I am 24 and was a virgin (for personal reasons that he understood) until my marriage last month. My now-husband is the only guy I ever dated seriously and my first everything. He is a bit older and has previous experience. While we were dating, we did some heavy petting (or whatever you call it), but frankly never very often and we never crossed that final line.
While we were engaged, I sometimes complained about our lack of physical affection (making out, hugs, that sort of thing. We usually only shared brief kisses.) or expressed concern that we were not “normal” in this aspect of our lives. His response was that since he had to limit himself to respect my wishes, he had sort of compartmentalized our relationship and now didn’t really think much about physical things–BUT once we were married and could move forward sexually, he believed we would have no problems in that regard.
Fast forward to now, and (surprise!) nothing has changed. During our honeymoon, we tried twice (unsuccessfully) to make love. I ended up too tense and in pain to let him in and he suggested we wait until we get back home to buy some lube which would help. I disagreed and wanted to keep trying during our trip, but it just didn’t happen. We got home, he bought lube and we still haven’t tried again. It’s now been a month since we got back home and we haven’t even made out. I’m so frustrated and disappointed.
When we get home from work, we’ll watch some tv on the couch, eat and then decide to go to sleep. So I change into cute pj’s and get my hopes up and…nothing. He’s sleeping as soon as we hit the bed. 🙁 I’ve asked more than once why we haven’t tried again and he has given me what I consider excuses: he’s just tired, there isn’t enough time, and lately (again), he just doesn’t think about stuff like that.
Now, I think its BS because all around me, everyone says that guys think about sex all the time. And for a man who has gone so long without, married to an attractive wife (I’m certainly not hideous) and FINALLY able to be intimate with her–wouldn’t he be all over her?! So if he’s thinking about it, and still not interested, then it must be me, right? He’s not into me? 🙁
I’ve tried talking to him about it time and again, asked him why he’s not thinking about it, what can I do to help start him up, how it makes me feel that he’s not interested, but he just says that I shouldn’t take it personally and that it’ll happen.
So long story short, I am tailspinning. I go to sleep feeling awful and rejected every night and wake up angry and resentful every morning. It’s getting to where sometimes I don’t even want to be in the same room as him–like, if he’s so uninterested in me, I’ll make it easier on him and just keep away completely. But I KNOW that this is the wrong approach if I want to have a happy marriage. And honestly, it’s only been a month so I’m pretty sure this is something we can overcome.
This last time we talked about it (just this week), he started researching guys with low libidos and is considering taking supplements and drinking less, etc. But he’s still not touching me! Grr!
Now, I can take some responsibility and say that I haven’t exactly been jumping him and getting rejected outright. Donning cute pj’s and giving him extra kisses/hugs is about as much courage as I’ve been able to muster. I do recognize I need to do more.
In conclusion ladies, I need advice. I’m too shy to get naked and put on a dance for him, so I need something more subtle. How can I catch his eye? What can I do to make him actually want me??? Barring that, what can I do to not take it personally and not feel like a troll every time he isn’t interested?
Again, sorry this was so long and thank you for your responses!