(Closed) Need some suggestions and advice

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@Miss_Librarian:  Sex therapist. Sounds like you both need professional help with intimacy expression and issues

Post # 5
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@Miss_Librarian:  you could go solo first for tips on how to relax when the time comes

Post # 6
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Miss_Librarian:   I did consider going to a relationship counsellor, but I’d like to give it a shot on my own first. I view going to a professional as a last resort. Sort of makes the problems extra real and extra scary. 

This is a real problem. I wouldn’t call it “scary” but it’s real. The fact that he’s brushing off your concerns is a big problem. If he’s not willling to talk about what’s going on with him, it’s not going to get fixed on it’s own. Because I definitely think this is an issue with him, not you. The difficulty you had on your honeymoon is not uncommon when it’s your first time – but the fact that the trying has stopped completely is very concerning.

The reason why I think you need to go to a therapist is because now it’s an issue, and the pressure is now on him – that’s not conducive to resolving this. A therapist will be a neutral party who can give you lots of suggestions on ways to slowly build your intimacy together.

This is not going to be solved by wearing sexy underwear or doing a strip tease for him. What, you are expected to put on a show every time you have sex for the rest of your life? That’s not normal. Something’s going on with your husband, I don’t know what – anxiety, depression, there’s a whole lot of possibilities. But it needs to be addressed.  This part of your marriage is important.

Post # 7
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

It sounds like he has some kind of serious sex-related issue.  Possibly just a very low libido (which could be hormonal, caused by depression, or just the way he is).  Or could he possibly be gay?  (Sorry if that offends you, but it could explain a lot.  The utter lack of physical affection during both your dating and married phases does not sound normal.)  It’s definitely not you though!  I would second some kind of counseling.  This is definitely not normal.  :/

I would also recommend that you take matters into your own hands yourself, so to speak.  If you learn more about what feels good to you, that could help you both down the line.

Good luck!  

@kimm99: +1


Post # 8
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

did you try going on top first? sometimes that’s the easier way to go because you have more control over entry. Lube would definitely be a good idea too, but the complete lack of trying is very strange.

Post # 9
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

So awkward question: does he masturbate?  If he does, congrats!  He has a libido, it’s just been misplaced for whatever reason.  What does he masturbate to?  Cna you recreate the circumstances where he feels most comfortable?

Let him watch you with yourself.  Share your fantasies.  Make it as comfortable as it can be between you two.  Obviously I don’t mean doing #2 with the door open, but make sure you explore and figure out your bodies together.

If he doesn’t masturbate, then he might have a low libido.  In that case, you may have to consider how important sex is in your relationship.  My SO and I have similar libidos, so we are both very satisfied.  However, I’ve had friends (male and female) whose partners have low libidos.  They therefore take a lot of physical comfort in the other person without sex.  It’s been hard, vbut both couples are reaching 10 years together, despite opposite sex drives.

Good luck.  I really hope this can be fixed easily!  You waited so long to not have mind blowing sex with your husband!

Post # 10
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Oh dear, I’m really sorry that this is happening and that it’s upsetting you so much, but I can assure you that it’s going to be ok.

First of all, I think of sex and intimacy as a lot of things, an expression of love and desire, a sacred and special act between two people and a whole lotta fun!  But at it’s nuts and bolts, sex is an indoor sport…think about it, you get sweaty, breathe hard, run the chance of pulling something and are generally tired aferward, right?  AND, just like any other sport, you can’t just come out of the gate and be awesome at it, you have to practice, RIGHT?

So, let’s throw in the fact that this sport relies on two people’s active and attentive participation, where it helps if your naked AND laughing or getting hurt pretty much ruins the whole thing…sound easy?

It’s not, and the fact that there’s so much pressure surrounding both your performances, well…sounds like a mood killer to me.  I know you guys CAN finally do it, but your entire relationship up to this point was all about CAN’T…start slow, be comfortable and have some fun, I wouldn’t keep running at the full  monty, so to speak, but start moving toward greater intimacy and maintaining comfort within the situation…



Post # 15
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Obviously I don’t mean doing #2 with the door open

@BeachBride2014:  Hahahahha….you just made my day ๐Ÿ™‚

OP, did you live together before you got married? The only reason I ask is when my SO and I moved in together, there were several months where neither of us were interested in sex at all. (We were long distance, and never had a problem when we were in the same state before!) It took some concerted effort by both of us, but we were able to regain a lot of that intimacy. It’s not quite the same as it was, in that we both are working/have grown up lives and can’t afford to lounge around having sex three times a day, but it’s great, now ๐Ÿ™‚ We never were able to figure out why neither of us had much of a sex drive, and just chalked it up to getting really comfortable together and the “honeymoon” period of our relationship being over. Slowly but surely, it’s getting better. I only bring it up to maybe make you feel like you’re not alone- I was going to bed feeling rejected too, and it does hurt. I hope that this gets better for you and your husband…but I do agree with the previous posters who recommended therapy/sex therapy. There is an issue if he’s not willing to give it a try, with you. 

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