(Closed) Need some support from other waiting bees

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

how old are you both? for me, personally, that amount of time in your relationship wouldn’t seem too long to be waiting – I’ve been with my bf for five years and we’re not engaged yet! have you discussed it with him, like have each of you said that you do want to get married to one another at some point in the future, and is there a general timeline to that (eg. finish uni, get a job, buy a house etc).

in terms of moving in – I’m with your bf personally! I can’t imagine marrying someone without living together first. you learn so much about each other and your relationship when you have financial responsibilities together, have to cook and clean together, you see their personal habits, etc etc! I do know people who feel the same as you and wouldn’t do it before engagement/marriage but honestly, I could not imagine engagement without living together. it’s like a practice run for marriage for me!

Post # 3
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
hopeforme1987:  Hold the phone. So you’ve been together 1 year and 8 months, you’ve never lived together, and you have a walk-away deadline that is 6 months from now, after you’ve been dating just a little over 2 years total? “I have a date in my head”, indicates to me that he’s unaware of this ultimatum. I think that’s so unfair. It doesn’t seem like there’s much communication going on between the two of you here, regarding what you each see for your future. Have you had any timeline talks as to when you both see the relationship progressing to proposal? What’s his vision for your relationship 2 years after you started dating? He has a say in his future too.

“We have a great relationship and he is such a good guy” – that’s nice. But does he want children? Does he want to own a home one day or does he prefer to always rent? Would he want the mortgage under both of your names or just his? Does he want a joint bank account or would he prefer to keep all finances separate? I find it hard to believe you’ll agree in a lot of these areas of you can’t agree on something like living together before engagement.

I understand we only got a glimpse into your circumstance here, but to me it really seems like you’re more into the status of being engaged than the actual marriage. Or maybe it was your very direct comment, “I am starting to get impatient about  waiting for a ring”… this just speaks volumes to me. Are you sure this is “the one” and not just “the one right now”?

Post # 4
Member
34 posts
Newbee

It sounds like you need to communicate a lot more than you do. Age and where you both are in life are also important factors. Do you have the same, or similar, goals in life? Have you talked about the questions wannabmrsp brought up? Those are major and imperative conversations to have before expecting a ring or marriage at all. My advice is to cool it, communicate with your partner and then re-evaluate your impatience and timeline.

Post # 5
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Have you talked to your boyfriend at all about his timeline?  Just under 2 years is significant, but not a crazy long time to be dating before getting engaged.  It’s shorter than the average, actually.  He may think that you are in a good place heading towards engagement, but he may not be in a rush.  I would really recommend talking with him about his expectations for your relationship and your life together.  Don’t keep these feelings bottled up.  Ultimatums rarely work out, and it’s not fair to expect him to read your mind.

Post # 6
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

I’m definitely with the other bees here, and I almost feel sorry for your bf (though appreciate I don’t know him or personally know your situation). 

1yr 8months is not a long time to have been dating at all. The majority of people wouldn’t be ready for engagement by then, especially without living together. 

If you love him and want to stay with him then you’ll just have to have a candid conversation with him and see where it leads. But it sounds to me like you’re being unreasonable with these demands. 

Post # 7
Member
35 posts
Newbee

A year and 8 months??? And you’re impatient already?  When did you start getting antsy for the ring?  its pretty crazy to me that you are debating leaving him right now.  I’m at a loss.  If you don’t feel comfortable moving in with him, then don’t.  You need to feel good about this big step and not go into it with resentment. and if you do want to take this step, be happy about it!  It’s a big step in the right direction.  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by missmini.
Post # 8
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My SO and I have been together a few months longer than you have, and we aren’t engaged. We’re talking about it, and sounds like it’ll happen before the summer, but I keep telling him “I’m just excited, I’m not trying to rush it.”

We’ve been living together since we were almost 6 months in to the relationship… and I can totally see why your SO would want to live together first, before getting engaged. Living together is a game-changer for many relationships. I see on this board a lot of women don’t want to compromise in being engaged before living together, but it really can change things.

I doubt living together will make him drag his feet any more. If anything, if it goes smoothly, it might speed things up because you’ll both see just how perfectly things click and fall in to place while living together. And if things go awry, then it’s really best you aren’t dealing with wedding planning stress while you’re gearing up for a resent-filled marriage right from the beginning.

Living together brings about so many conversations you don’t even think about while you’re living separately. Finances, time management, and intimacy issues aside, super mundane things can become a source of problems- sleep patterns, household responsibilities, taking days off work, and just daily expectations that you can’t possibly know before you live together for an extended period of time. While dating and living in separate homes, even while sleeping over most nights, it is incredibly easy to remain on your ‘best behaviour’ and let things roll off your back/ not even register as an issue. It’s the little things that will throw you off the most, and personally, I’d rather work those kinks out beforehand, because sometimes the fundamentals just don’t match up.

If 1987 is your birth year, as it is mine, I get that being 28 and likely with some life experience, you know what you want. That’s what I’ve found… I’ve done a lot of living, and my friends are always checking my left hand to see if I’m engaged yet, and they’ve been doing this for a year already. Yet, my best friend was with her now-husband for 7 years before they got engaged, and nobody had that same anticipation, but they were much younger when they met.

*Why* are you rushing? If you’re getting set to move while full of resentment because you compromised on one of your core values, and are ready to walk away from the relationship just on account of not being given a ring, then you guys have many other things to talk about, not just about being a married couple. Living together is a great step in a relationship- it will change a lot, and hopefully for the better! It’s really a window in to the future, so go in to it with a positive outlook *IF* you are comfortable with living together. If you are not ready to live together, that’s okay too, but being engaged won’t help that. 

Post # 9
Member
861 posts
Busy bee

I know this can be a stressful time. I was in a similiar situation over a year ago and I just wrote a post about it

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-to-move-past-feelings-of-resentlment/

 

I wasn’t comfortable with idea of moving in before an engagement. I did anyway since it was important to my SO. 1 year later, I am still not engaged. I’m not saying don’t move in, but maybe a conversatoin about your expectations and timelines will releive some of the anxiety you are feeling. 

Post # 10
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I remember at about 1.5 years thinking “ok i’m ready” Though we’d already been living together for almost a year at that point.

I thought about our life, our goals, and realized it wasn’t time, and I kinda just… wasn’t antsy anymore about it (I mean, obviously I would say yes if he had asked, but we had other fish to fry like house reno, savings, personal projets, etc!)

We’ve been together 2.5 years now and we just talk openly about what we want and when. The idea of an ultimatum has never crossed my mind, I don’t want to brow beat him into marrying me, but being honest about things like “when I want to have kids” sets us up for a timeline for marriage.

Slow down, talk to your boyfriend about what you both want, and don’t be afraid to move in with him! Just have a conversation about how this is a means to an end, not an opportunity for him to stall for years. It’s his life too!

Post # 11
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If marriage is important to you, don’t move in until you’re engaged. There are those who will disagree with me, but I stand pretty firm on this. My daughter was engaged before she moved in with her fiance and this gave them time to shake out any bugs before marriage. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a firm commitment before uprooting your life. 

Post # 12
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

My advice would be to Live with him first. Marriage is supposed to be forever and in your case it takes longer than 1yr and 8 month to really get to know someone especially if you havent lived together yet. I think you should move in and see how it goes before you even think of marriage. Who knows you may realize that you guys have some stuff to work on. I moved in with my BF over the summer and we are still learning how to work with eachother. Living with anyone is not easy and saying yes before even knowing what that is- is setting yourself up to question if saying yes was the right thing to do.   

Post # 13
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Backyard

I think you are very smart and should follow your gut. Don’t live with him because it will only cause resentment if that’s not what you want to do. He should honor your request. Tell him that you look forward to getting him better but want to remain living separately. Maybe you can get an apartment down the street from him and sign a seven month lease. By then he should know. And after two yeas of dating (especially if you are in your thirties/forties) you should be able to determine if you want to get married or not. . . I mean he lol.

May I ask your ages and some future plans you have (i.e. kids)?

Good luck! 🙂

Post # 14
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
hopeforme1987:  Stick to your guns. I am not interested in moving in together until engagement. He was on the fence about things, but didn’t push it TOO much. All of a suddent a month and a half ago he is ready to look at rings, think about venues, pick dates, make guest lists…. It was such an amazing switch and has been a blast. I truly think that I would not be in this position right this second if we had moved in together – it probably would’ve been at least a half of a year longer.

I know tons of Bees have moved in, but that was right for them in their heart of hearts. For me, and it seems like you too, it wouldn’t be right.

Also, 2 years isn’t a super long time – I wouldn’t consider him “dragging his feet” quite yet – he may just be starting to think about the marriage stuff which takes a while to process! But I know how it can get frustrating.

Post # 15
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

Do not compromise on the values that are important to you OP. And this is coming from a bee that has moved in with their SO before engagement and still waiting for a ring. Every bee here has their amount that they are willing to tolerate, whether that is waiting for 1 year, 2 years, 3 years or 8 years, and it will be inevitably different from person to person. I don’t think it’s right for Bees to invalidate your feelings because in their view, you haven’t done enough “time” to warrant wanting a ring. A few people were like that towards me when I moved in with my SO after 3 months of dating. To many, we hadn’t done the time. Yet we are still here, and they have long shut up about it now. What is important is how you feel in YOUR relationship. And if you feel anxious, and that you are giving up too much without a deeper comittment, then that is enough. I do not believe in ultimatums, but I do think you need to say to your SO “look, if we were living together for more than a year and we are not engaged, I would feel very uncomfortable and upset” and if he says you should wait longer, then don’t move in with him because then he is then not accounting for your values and is not meeting you even half way.

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