(Closed) Need some support…I think we are about to break up

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

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lifestooshort:  

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you to be around and with him but he doesn’t want to provide you with any commitment or insurance. He’s a brat and he’s not used to being called on it. You’ve made it clear that you have relationship expectations and it seems like he can’t meet you on them. It’s fine, but he can’t expect you to wait around hoping that he changes his mind. You’re doing the right thing.

Post # 17
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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lifestooshort:  i just want to tell you youre doing the right thing. I have a friend who is 35,has been waiting for a proposal for 5 years,has just had part of her cervix removed due to suspicious cells and is really starting to be pretty upset that her boyfriend isnt even close to proposing. She really wants children. I dont believe in waiting endless years until some guy decides youre good enough. 

Post # 18
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I admire your decision and I really hope that he will see the error in his ways. Stay strong girl!

Post # 19
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If you’re willing to leave due to lack of proposal then leave. I kept saying I would leave and then I realized how ridiculous I was being because I would choose him over a wedding any day. After 6 1/2 years we are happily engaged. 

Once I laid off the pressure it happened. I think if you’ve taken all the steps to leave you already know where your heart stands. Sorry you’re dealing with this.. everything for a reason.

Post # 20
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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lifestooshort:  you are being very strong -stand ur ground. Even if that means moving out. If he is the one- he needs to realize it too. And maybe it will work out when he does but continue to grow and have respect for yourself. If the break doesnt happen now, then you spoke your mind- continue dating and move in November. if he still has no change of heart- u should probably date others too or you may get trapped back into his promises of a future. Good luck!

Post # 21
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

You’re such a strong woman. I do feel that you’re making the best decision. Trust me, if the 2 of you are meant to be together, you’ll be together. Hopefully this is a wakeup call for him. Either way, you’re making the right decision. Good luck, bee.

Post # 22
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee

You are doing the right thing. If he was going to propose, he would have. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be married and have children when the timing is right for YOU. I’m so glad you’re willing to put you and the things important to you first. I watch too many women hang around hoping…I was one of them….for 8 years! I left, too, and met my now fiance…who proposed after 8 months. 

Post # 23
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, but I applaud your bravery. It’s just a shame that he couldn’t stick through a difficult situation to talk to you. That worries me.

You’re making good decisions even though it’s hard. Good luck!

Post # 24
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

Hope you’re doing OK this morning!

Post # 25
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

wow, I’m so sorry.  You sound very compassionate and understanding regarding him; I am really sorry you’re in this situation.

Post # 26
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It takes strength to do something and take action, and I see that here with you.  It is a horrible feeling trying to convince someone to make a commitment to you.  I’ve been in that situation before.  At 30 if he doesn’t know what he wants, I doubt he ever would know and I doubt you would ever get the marriage you were hoping for.  You’re doing the right thing, as much as it sucks.  Hang in there!!

Post # 27
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Sometimes a proposal is what makes or breaks a relationship.  If a man loves you enough and has spent that amount of time with you, he would want to do what makes you happy because that makes him happy in return.  It looks like proposing to you would make you happy, but it doesn’t mean enough to him to compromise whatever is holding him back.  For example, making you happy doesn’t outweigh making himself happy.  After 5 years and talks of marriage, like you, I would also think that’s what he indefinitely wants–that he would be willing to sacrifice dragging his feet and jitters to do something that he was supposedly going to do at some point either way.  

Actions speak louder than words.  He can tell you he wants to marry you all day long…but until he takes the steps necessary toward spending your lives together, he doesn’t want to get married.  Talk is cheap.  

They say it’s selfish of women to force a proposal, but I don’t think so.  If a man has been telling you for 5 years that’s what he wants, then it was bound to happen one way or another sooner or later….IF that’s what he really wanted.  I think it’s selfish of men to find themselves in a relationship to where they cant be open and honest about what they want with the other person.  Just telling you what you want to hear to stave off negativity only works for so long.  Yes, I know men need to sort through their feelings and be sure of what they’re doing…but if they love you and wanted to be with you forever, they’ll set aside their selfishness and put your happiness first.  That’s the whole point of a relationship right? To make someone else happy because it makes you happy.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  It’s terrible to spend X years with someone only to find out its a dead end.  When you first get together in a relationship, within the first little bit you two usually work to find out what each other envision for the future.  You work to see if you’re on the same page…if you’re not, the relationship ends…if you are, you go forward together.  You communicate to find what each other wants, and evaluate yourselves as individuals to see if you can go the distance to make that other person happy.  it’s like saying “I love you but I don’t love you enough to put your happiness before mine”.  You deserve more than that after 5 years.  

You sounds like you’ve got this figured out and know what you want.  If he can’t be the man to give it to you, find one that can.  It hurts and it sucks starting over, but it’s one step closer to obtaining the life you envisioned for yourself.  If you really love someone you stay with them regardless…but it’s hard to keep loving someone deeply that won’t put your happiness before their own.  That’s how it breaks a relationship.  

Post # 28
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s not easy. I know from experience. I dated my ex for 7 years. At first we were too yong to think about marriage. But then all of his friends (he was 6 years older) were getting married. I would bring up the subject and he would get all quiet and change the subject. One day I had a break down and he told me it would happen to us one day, when the time is right. We started to have issues in our relationship, but what made me leave him was that he couldn’t say when/if we would get married. If he didn’t know after 7 years, he would never know. The breakup was very hard on both of us. But in the end, he didn’t try hard enough to bring me back.

I’ve talked to guys about this subject, and on multiple occasions was told that after about a year they pretty much know if they want to marry the girl or not. Maybe my ex was not the marring kind, or maybe I wasn’t the one for him. But I’m glad I didn’t spend another 7 years of my life waiting for him. Was it hard to leave him? Obsolutely. But I knew it had to be done. I only have one life to live. If you boyfriend really wants to be with you, he would do whatever it takes.

After I broke up with my ex I had a rule that I wouldn’t move in with a guy until he proposed. And I wouldn’t stay with anyone longer than 1 year if there was no proposal. If you are 20 and just want to date and have fun, than it’s a different story of course. I’m not saying date/marry anyone. I still believe in love, and wouldn’t date anyone I couldn’t see myself falling in love with.

1.5 years after the breakup with my ex I met a wonderful guy. He didn’t get weirded out when we talked about marriage. After about a year he proposed to me and we’ve been married for almost a year. There are happy endings.

I think at this point you have to do something drastic. If nothing changes, he won’t do anything. I know couples who have been together 12, 15 years, the girl is still waiting for that ring. If you are not OK to wait, leave him and see if he is willing to do whatever it takes to keep you. If not, you will find happiness with someone else.

Good luck!

Post # 29
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you know deep down this relationship isn’t going anywhere and my advice would be to move out before november. Why delay the inevitable OP? You deserve a man who wants to commit. 

Post # 30
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I wouldn’t think of it as you rejecting him. If you have expressed desire to marry him, and he is refusing, he is making the choice. If the situation was reversed (he proposed, you said no), moving out is a perfectly legitimate response.

I’m in a similar situation- been with SO 3.5years, lived together for 2.5yrs (with my 10y DS). He kept talking about happily ever after/commitment until I moved in, and has now avoided the topic of marriage ever since. I never wouldve moved in if I had the inkling that he wasn’t on the same page as me. I brought up our future in dec, he acted totally shocked that I wanted marriage and totally clammed up- so I asked him to have a think about what he wanted so we could have a talk (not to blindside him), and told him I wouldn’t bring it up and that he could initiate the convo after he had a think. he agreed and then never brought it back up 🙁 Reminded him on June 8 (6months on) that I wanted to talk about the future, he said he forgot and promised we would talk it over soon. Reminded him 3 weeks later and made it clear I wasn’t resigning our lease in jan if he couldnt give me the respect of talking to me about the future. He promised we would talk by the end of the holiday break. His holiday time ends in 36 hours, and I’m getting that awful feeling that he will just continue to avoid and refuse to discuss until I give up and leave him. it sucks. You are brave and doing the right thing Though. Hugs xoxoxo 

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