(Closed) Need some tactful responses to inappropriate questions!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I don’t think these questions are all that bad, maybe a little over the top with the baby questions, but the rest are pretty normal when your are planning a wedding.

Future Mother-In-Law: What kind of veil are you wearing?

You: I don’t think I am going to wear a veil. I find them a little uncomfortable or aren’t really my style.


Future Mother-In-Law: You’re changing your last name to ours, right?

You: I am planning on keeping my name.


I don’t think the negative responses on your part are really necesary and come off a little offoutting. If I asked you a question along these lines I probably wouldn’t ask you any more questions and feel a really negative vibe coming form you.


Post # 4
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

lol, luckily I think most of the questions are just well-intended which helps, and I suppose it is nicer that they asked if you were changing your name rather than just assuming?  There’s really nothing you can do to stop them from asking, and if they drop it after you give your answer then it really just ends there. I think what happens is that after a few inappropriate questions, we start assuming that ALL the questions are going to be tinged with judgment/nosiness/inappropriateness when sometimes they are just curious. If however the asker keeps badgering you, I’d respond with “well, this seems to be very important to you, it is also very important to me which is why I am so happy that I’ve considered it carefully and am 100% comfortable in my choices!”

Post # 5
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ok my family knows that if you ask an inappropriate question you will get a absolutely ridiculous response. So here goes:

Future Sister-In-Law: By next year, you and FH will have a little one just like this at the holidays!

No I am planning to give birth to kittens. They are much more fun and not as messy!

Future Mother-In-Law: What kind of veil are you wearing?

Oh I am not planning to wear a veil. I want to wear something like this!

Future Mother-In-Law: You’re changing your last name to ours, right?

But I always wanted to be know as Mrs Fancypants 🙁

I crack my cousins up with my off the wall responses.

Post # 6
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

eeekkk… I will be honest here.  I dont think any of these questions were  bad at all. I think these were actually them trying to bring up conversation and showing interest in your life.  Did you really respond with those answers? or was that what you were thinking in your head?

I can admit I have been annoyed myself… but its not when they ask questions its when they tell me or critisize what I want.  For example, my venue all the food and drinks must be supplied by them, and a cake is like $900. and myself and my Fiance do not like cake, so we are not going to have one since it is SOOOO crazy expensive, and my Grandma tells me I have to and makes this.. uggh noise… 

Sorry your not paying for it, and its our wedding. we are paying thousands and thousands of dollars for a nice meal, if we dont want to spend 900.00 on a cake thats our choice! GRRR!  

I am sorry you were feeling cranky, I was too… But honestly I dont think the questions you explained were too personal at all. 

Post # 7
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I don’t think the questions are inappropriate.  It seems they were just making conversation.  I agree with MrsMeNow.  Your response could and probably would be viewed as unnecessarily snarky.

Your responses could simply be:

We’re not planning on having children right away.

I’m choosing not to wear a veil.

I’m not going to change my name.  


Post # 8
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

You’re oversharing. I find that when I get annoyed by prying questions (not that these seem so bad, Future Mother-In-Law is being a little presumptuous) the best way to stop the conversation is to answer their question as literally and as abruptly as possible. They’ll get the point that you don’t want to have a deep conversation. “No, we’re not planning on having children within the next year” “I’m not planning on wearing a veil” “I’ve decided to keep my maiden name”.

Post # 9
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@lmoss78: Those questions are not personal especially because they are coming from your family that loves you. They seem to be nice and you are being rude to them. Examples of an inappropiate questions are:

Are you all having a lot of sex, I can’t wait to have a grandchild? Are you trying the right positions? What’s taking so long?

Why are you wearing a white wedding dress, are you a virgin?

Your last name is from a foreign country aren’t you glad to take our more common American name?

These questions are rude and shocking, what you posted is regular family conversation and you are the one being rude for no reason. Its fine to be different, it does not seem like they are trying to change you but being polite is a good attribute to have as well. 

Post # 10
4236 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@ieatunicorns: <this

but I wish you could say this: @secondchances

And for this one:

By next year, you and FH will have a little one just like this at the holidays!
We’d planned on waiting <insert length of time here> there’s so much we want to do first *smile* 

Post # 11
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with some of the PPs, I don’t think those questions are too bad at all.  I would answer honestly, but not embellish too much.

Post # 12
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@secondchances: Ahahahaha that hat!!

OP, I agree that maybe you’re oversharing a little.  I think if I got a negative response, I might perceive you to be a negative person and not just frustrated like you are.  What I mean is I might attribute the negativity to your personality and not your mood.

By the way, if your wedding is in April and they want you to have a “little one” at this time next year….do they expect you to try before the wedding, or are they just bad at math!?

Post # 13
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Awww, I think they were just trying to show an interest in your life. Not everyone asks questions to pry or to be rude. I ask them because I want the person I am asking to know that I am truly interested in the goings on of their life.

I do have to wonder why someone would say this time next year you would have a little one when you are getting married in April. That doesn’t make much sense to me. I’m thinking they were probably just joking with you. I wouldn’t take too much stock in that. Don’t sweat the small stuff 🙂

Post # 14
196 posts
Blushing bee

I have to agree that I find the first and last “questions” rude, partly because they are statements more than questions – “Give us grandkids now.” and “You will be taking our name.” If they weren’t trying to be pushy with them, they would be like the more open ended second question, which I do see as more of the conversational type.  It’s definitely inappropriate to start talking about kids before a couple is married, and they could easily have asked what you two were doing with your last names instead of trying to insist you take thiers.

You sound like an introvert and my first suggestion would be to find ways to not spend trapped with people for a few days in a row.  Is there somewhere you can go for a walk or find some other way to get out of the house, so you get some breaks from dealing with people?

Post # 16
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@lmoss78: That is too bad that they pester you with questions about having kids if they know you have reproductive issues.  That’s very insensitive!  Could you be honest with them (if you haven’t been already) and tell them they need to stop asking about it because it’s a sensitive topic?  Let them know that it’s hurtful to be repeatedly asked about something that might be out of your control.  Or have your Fiance get a little stern with them and tell them it’s hurtful to you.

As for the other questions, I feel like perhaps you are overly sensitive about them because of the rudeness of the “When are you going to have kids?” questions.  For instance, I don’t think asking about your veil is rude at all.  Friends and family have asked me about my gown, veil, and other wedding details, and I think it’s nice that they are curious.  But pestering you about kids?  That’s not okay, especially if you’ve already talked to them about it.

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