(Closed) Need tips/advice on talking to DH about housecleaning!

posted 7 years ago in Home
Post # 3
Member
46404 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

When we moved in together we just had a talk about what needs to be done around the place and how often.

We divided up the chores and it’s not been a problem.

Could the two of you make a list of chores and agree on a schedule?

 e.g

the tub gets cleaned weekly (whether it needs it or not-who wants to wait for grunge?)-by who?

carpets get vacuumed weekly- by who?

Post # 4
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think your best option is A. Just as you don’t really notice the clutter unless you force yourself to (right?) he doens’t notice the tub needs cleaning. Just have a conversation with him about it, without pointing the finger.

Perhaps you can ask him to do a few things that you notice. Ask if there is anything bugging him that you could take care of. It’s not mothering, it’s politely asking for what you want/need to be happy in your home. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think if the housecleaning is such a bone of contention, it’s worth it to hire a housekeeper so you don’t have to continue stressing out about who does what.  I had a housekeeper most of my adult life and now i can’t afford one and it SUCKS.  I’m a complete clean freak and I hate clutter so I deal with it all. I told my husband that as soon we too paid off a bit of debt, we were going to find someone to clean the house:)

My husband would never be able to do anything to my exacting standards, so I only ask him to do the trash and recycling.  But when we get to a place where I can pay someone, even twice a month, I’m telling, not asking, him that I’m going to hire someone.  It’s my money too and it’s worth every penny not to have to fight over scrubbing a tub.  He’ll come around to this idea and I’m sure your husband will too:)

Post # 6
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

How about this: Your job might be to worry about the deep cleaning since you care about it, and your husband continues to take care of the regularly scheduled housework, like dishes and laundry, and organizing? Seems fair. Each of you get to take care of your own priorities, and you’re working together to produce one clean house.

Post # 7
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Honestly, you’re going to have to hit him over the head with it.  I’m going through the exact same thing right now.  If it wasn’t for me and the scrubbing bubbles, the bathrooms would never get clean.

What about doing a split schedule, and whoever’s turn it is can use their own methods (self vs. hiring someone)?  That way, he can do his week, you can hire someone to do your week.

Post # 8
Member
14486 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If he doesnt see it, then just waiting for him to do it on his own’s never gonna happen.  It’ll bother you to the point where you clean it before he does.  One thing that stands out though, is that you say he usually cleans on his day off, and when he doesnt, then you have to.  Just as much as you dont want to clean on your day off, he probably doesnt need to.  I think you should make him the list and tell him exactly how you want him to help out or make an alternating schedule.

Post # 9
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Why do you seem so averse to the list? You’ve said yourself that it’s clear he doesn’t see the need to clean the way you do, so if you’d like him to do you a few favours then absolutely make a list for him, especially if he’s willing to accept one. I’ve fallen into this trap before of ‘it doesn’t mean as much if he doesn’t realize it himself,’ but if you wait for him to suddenly start seeing things your way you will be waiting a long time. 

Post # 10
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with telling him what you’d like to have done. I usually just try to drop a hint, like say “I really wanted to clean the tub this week but I haven’t had time yet.” And then my husband would offer to do it if he has free time.

Post # 11
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

By giving him a list of things to do, you’re not being his mother, don’t worry! Like you said, people just view the cleanliness/clutteredness of the house through different lenses. With his lenses, he’s just never going to see the “dirt”, just like it takes you some effort to see the clutter. 

My guy will let the house become like the scene of a post-apocalyptic film and be fine with it. He just lives in it like a creepy hermit.

Post # 12
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The phrase “it would help me out so much if…… ” is one that needs to enter into your vocab. This was he knows what needs to be done, he does not feel like he is being told what to do, he feels like he is helpful, and sometimes they even think it is there idea.

 

Post # 13
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sbharkness83: Brilliant! I love it!

Post # 14
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Masala: This!

We got in a fight one time over cleaning and I told him that I wished he could SEE the mess like I do. But he told me, he just doesn’t. He wishes he did, so he could help more, but he doesn’t. He then asked for a list, that’s how I knew he was telling the truth! Turns out the list helps him. It does feel kinda weird at first but he makes lists for himself anyway so it’s not too out of the ordinary.

Post # 15
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Yeah, most guys don’t see dirt. Or crumbs on counters, or toothpaste in the sink. Mr. Roux and I always leave each other notes, and if I put in a note ‘Darling, please do the dishes when you get home, so I can cook you dinner.’ then when I get home the dishes are always done, and he doesn’t feel put out as long as I feed him. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

We have this issue in our apartment, except that Fiance does not see either dirt or clutter (e.g. he did not clean his tub since moving in, FIVE years ago at that time, and then I started dating him and did it).  So I have to beg for help or resentfully do it all by myself (what really gets me is when I’m cleaning for 2 hours and he doesn’t offer to help).  So we have at least agreed that I should ask for assistance before getting upset.  We talk about getting a cleaner when we have more money.

Other ideas are good.  What about keeping an eye out for groupons (living social, buywithme, eversave…) and snatching up the next discount that comes your way?  After he sees how nice a clean house is, maybe he’ll agree?  If not, at least it was deep cleaned.  And a one-time cleaner isn’t the same as just hiring a cleaner to me, that you need to worry about going against his wishes.  It’s just a treat to yourself, like a spa massage.

ETA: Humor also helps.  One time, I got very tired of asking him to take something heavy down to the basement for me and him saying “sure” but not doing so (rinse repeat next night).  I finally stuck a post-it note on it that simply read “Offending item.”  He laughed and moved it that night, but not before inquiring if he failed to do so, would he get an “offending item” stickie too?

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