(Closed) Need to have a rant (long) – Someone tell me you have the same problems..

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Ive read lots and lots of marriage advice and one of the major things is before marriage sit down and AGREE on a schedule or list of chores.  Both agree on it and even if you have to sign it.  Put it on the fridge. Display it.  When one person isnt doing their end of the bargain you have the contract that you BOTH agreed on.  You could make it fun…. say when another person has to do a chore that is the others job the person who defaulted has to put a dollar in a piggy bank.  Then you can both go out and have a date night with the cash youve saved!

Post # 4
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsMagillToBe:  I do think a lot of the problem is he hasnt been made accountable his whole life to do it, since his mom took care of it all.  He probably doesnt even see the mess he leaves behind.  I would also suggest to assign the chores that each person does best so that you dont get irritated and re do the cleaning after he does it!

Post # 5
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hahahaha I had this exact problem when I moved in with my Fiance years ago. He had been living in a situation where he wasn’t expected to do any housework at all for a long time. It’s not that he didn’t want to do it – he just had never developed the habits of a decent housekeeper. So I had to train him. I think the important thing to keep in mind is that he’s not being a slacker on purpose, he probably just has no clue about 90% of the things he’s not doing or doing wrong. E.g. not putting a bin bag in the bin after emptying it – I must have said 100 times in a nice tone, “Could you put a new bag in the bin?” It takes time for people to learn and develop new habits.

The most important part, I think, is for it to be collaborative; you’re helping him learn new habits, not nagging or criticizing him. It also helps to draw up an exhaustive list of all the chores that need to be done daily/weekly/monthly so he can see how much work needs to get done, and then split them up. That way he can see exactly what he needs to do, and if he forgets, you nicely remind him. And you’ll have to nicely remind him for way, way longer than you think you should. Old dogs, new tricks.

Post # 6
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

if you figure out a way tell me…

Post # 7
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hahaha, you are so not alone ๐Ÿ™‚ I always wonder if it’s because mothers like to baby their sons and do everything for them?? And I wonder, if I ever have a son, what will I teach him about stuff like this?

 

In our house, FH doesn’t do the same amount of housework as me. I have to nag him quite a bit, (but only once per chore), sometimes if I get overwhelmed I will let rip, then he feels guilty LOL. 

 

And I always refuse to take the rubbish to the bin (i really can’t stand it) so I always ask him to do that. 

 

As for cooking we have an agreement that we will take turns, because it’s only fair (when we both work full time, it isn’t fair if one is cooking every night after a big day at work). 

Post # 8
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Cleaning – I agree with nl, do the jobs you’re both best at, maybe at the same time each wknd so you’re not doing it while he’s sitting around relaxing.  One of you could clean the bathroom while the other dusts and vacuums the house? Could work ๐Ÿ™‚

With the cooking – my fiance and I do the shopping together every weekend, and plan out 3 meals each, buy the stuff, alternate and whoever doesn’t cook each night does the washing up.  Lived together for 5 years now and never had an arguement about it.  And then we go out somewhere for dinner and drinks on Friday or Saturday night for a break.  Maybe something like that could work for you? 

(My fiance is a MUCH better cook since we started doing this too – bonus!)

Post # 9
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

We have a bit of a weird situation. We’re living in my Mom’s basement, but we don’t have our kitchen done yet. My Mom takes on lots of chores around the house too. I definitely do more than he does, but I am a student and home more often. He often initiates cleaning our bedroom, which we clean equally (sometimes he does more). I often clean the laundry, but we fold/hang our own stuff. At times, I get fed up doing his laundry, so I’ll stop doing his and just do mine! It totally works haha

Since I am home early during the day and he sometimes comes home late, I do more cooking, but he’ll do some if he’s off early. He doesn’t do many dishes.

He is more than willing to do chores if asked, but he’s fully admited to “just not thinking about it” which bothers me, but atleast he’s willing. I hope as pp said, he starts to take routine. There are some things he’s adopted (like cleaning up his face hair in the sink)

We’re renovating our basement and he’s taken about 75% of the work into it, so I have to consider that’s lots of work too.

I hope you figure something out! Maybe go on strike?

Post # 10
Member
6825 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Good luck! and if you find out tell me please!

Post # 11
Member
9202 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

chore chart or very specific division of labor is the only way to do it. Tell him this is serious business to you and you WILL NOT marry him unless its figured out. (And mean it.) Trust me, it can only get worse unless its resolved. 

But honestly, the toilet paper is a lost cause. Just accept that as part of your half. I am 30.5 years old and have never known a man who replaces it. My Fiance is great at cooking and cleaning (now), but our toilet paper dispenser would never get used again without me. 

Post # 13
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsMagillToBe:  When I first moved in with Fiance I wasnt used to the whole seat up thing either.  I lived with my dad and he always put it down lol.  But I figured that if he has to put it up, then I guess i can put it down.  Its not an issue for me.  What will be an issue though is if we have a dog, he needs to learn to put the seat and lid down because I close it for my pup who is still at home with my dad.  I wouldnt want her drinking out of the toilet and getting chemicals in her system.  So im ok with it but will complain about it for my furry baby lol!

Post # 14
Member
9202 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@MrsMagillToBe:  OK I hear ya.  I just meant, from my own perspective, having lived with my Fiance for a long time now (~8 years) – this stuff is actually a HUGE deal.  So it’s really important to get it worked out as you’re committing to each other for the long term.

TRUST ME, it sucks major ass to fight about chores/cleanliness every day or to be resentful of chores/cleanliness every day.  I do not exaggerate when I say that this is has been one of our most difficult challenges – and this is with a very enlightened, 21st century guy who loves to cook and be helpful around the house (but is often unaware of the actual messes around him). And a girl who is pretty lazy and nonchalan about cleanliness and housework.

What works for us is to have general duties – the chore chart turned out to feel too juvenile and mom-lecturing.  Instead, he is in charge of most of the cooking and kitchen cleaning, but I will help here and there.  I am in charge of picking up the house, doing the laundry / putting away clothes, and usually most of the heavy-duty cleaning – but he will help if I ask nicely.  We cut each other slack when somebody doesn’t do their basic maintenance stuff for a couple days, but we gently remind each other after that.  (Actually that’s a lie, he doesn’t notice when I slack, haha.)

It can be annoying and easy to get resentful when they fuck things up time after time, but just try to kindly and gently remind him about the stuff he forgets – “Sweetie, thanks for taking out the trash!  Can you please replace the bag too?”  Like @geekspice: said, it’s about helping him form new patterns rather than nagging / punishing.  (Not that you’re doing that!  But it’s easy to fall into that habit.)

Anyway, I hope this novel about chores is helpful!

Post # 15
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

And if you can afford it, hire a weekly cleaner. Many relationships have been saved by this simple act of spending $100/week.

Post # 16
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh god… We have the opposite problem. I am no slob but I haaate cleaning up and I have to wait until I’m ready to do chores. I had a clean apt when I lived on my own, did dishes every night by hand, did my laundry, etc… Now with FH, who I’ve been living with for over 3yrs, has to have every chore done at once. 

We used to argue about it a lot because I work less than he does but he ends up doing most of the chores. We tried chore lists but that didn’t work because he is too impatient. We resolved it by just coming to terms with that he will do more housework than me sometimes. I feel super guilty about it but it’s better for him to just sweep the floor instead of arguing with me to do it. I do offer to help when I see him cleaning, and sometimes he even accepts help!

I do chores when i feel like cleaning which is a lot more than you would think and I cook every meal except breakfast. 

 

Ps it took me like 10 minutes to post this bcs I’m on my phone… Weddingbee on an iPhone is facking impossible…

The topic ‘Need to have a rant (long) – Someone tell me you have the same problems..’ is closed to new replies.

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