(Closed) Need to save our sex life

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 19
Member
11746 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@CorvusCorax:  uh maybe she’s not trying to get pregnant and isn’t using other forms of BC?!

OP – Have a calm talk with him about how you are feeling. I like the idea of PPs to bring it up in a way that says what can WE do to make this better, instead of laying all the responsibility on one person or the other.  

Everyone goes through dry spells. It’s not goign to get fixed if you don’t communicate though.  Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@myotherme:  As the other bees said, you have to talk to him.  Second, you have to find out why he isnt initiating.  It could be a reason that may hurt for either of you to acknowledge or hear.  Is is that you literally get home from work right before bed time and go straight to sleep or do you have 3-5 hours of ‘free’ time?  If he blames is decrease interest on work stress. Create a rule that work stays at work and cannot come into your house.  Get some toys.  Create a new role play.  Tie him to the bed and make him give it to you!!!

 

Post # 22
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@myotherme:  You answered your own question: make an effort to solve it at home and talk to him about it. After you get that feedback, you can go from there.

Post # 23
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@myotherme:  Do yall do any role play or is it just normal boom and done?  Do you have toys?  Anything extra?  I recommend going to adam and eve or a sex store near you and talk to them about getting yalls sex life back.  They can recommend lots of things and ideas.  I mean they do work in a sex shop! lol

Post # 25
Member
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@myotherme: Condoms are something I associated with flings, and relationships that aren’t very serious. A lot of men hate them, so I was wondering if the condoms were introduced recently of if you’ve always been using them.

I can’t use hormonal BC either, so I opted for an IUD.

Post # 26
Member
9098 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@myotherme:  Adam&Eve is an online store. You don’t have to talk to anyone. They have awesome products & even give you a coupon code for your next order & send you free gifts.

I’d pick up some fun stuff if I were you.

Post # 27
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Real advice? OK – this probably isn’t about you and may not be about him or you both as a couple. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing or the BC you’re using.  After the first few years, things slow down for many couples. Not all, and certainly there’ll be people on here swearing they get busy 3 times a day and have been together so for YEARS. The relationship and your sex life will evolve. Ever notice how women’s magazines like Cosmo have sex tips each and every month as if they’re inventing something that hasn’t been tried before? It’s because we all worry about our sex lives. Will new moves and toys make it all better? Not necessarily.

I think you should have a non-bedroom conversation about your sex life with your husband. Ask him what he likes about it, what he might like differently. Ask him if the frequency is an issue for him or if it’s just right. If your needs are different, ask him if he’d be willing to “help you out” even when he doesn’t feel like going through the whole experience. This makes it a non-fingerpointing session, just a status update.  My husband and my male friends tell me that stress is a drive killer. They may still want to masturbate (totally different desire) but having sex is more than they’re up to, literally. And of course, it’s hard for them to admit this to their women.  Most couples lead stressful lives and are lucky to find matching moods and energy levels for sex even once a month. None of this means you’re not desirable, he’s not interested or either of you is at fault for anything.

Don’t let this worry you too much. Make sure you both make time for each other in non-sexual ways. Touch a lot, snuggle and stay connected. Sometimes you just have to say, “OK honey…wanna go? I need it now!” I think most men would love that directness.

If all else is good with the two of you, please don’t let this worry you too much.

Post # 28
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MexiPino:  <– What she said.. what she said x 1000.

Just talk to him – you MUST.. this is not a problem that will solve itself, and probably not something that you can solve on your own. Also, I love HOW she said to talk to him – NOT fingerpointing, just a “how can we make it better?” type of conversation.

Post # 29
Member
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

After ~6 years together we started to have problems with frequency, really the problem being me and always not really being in the mood I guess.  What helped a lot for us was doing the 7 day sex challenge (and continuing on up until he had to go to another state for work).  It’s basically taking the time to have sex once a day for 7 days straight, regardless of whether you are tired or busy or not in the mood etc.  I think it helped a lot to take some of the anxiety of having not had sex in a while and kind of revisit the things we enjoyed too.  There are lots of blogs written up on the challenge!  It may help you out.  The first step is talking to him about it!

 

Post # 30
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@giru618:  +1 to this! Schedule sex. Don’t overschedule it… but maybe 2 or 3 times per week to get you back on track. On these nights (or mornings.. whatever works!), make an effort to really enjoy each other. Don’t skip days!

Or, start a sex position challenge… get an app or find a website with a list, and start going through them and crossing them off. Bring back the fun.

Post # 31
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@lorie:  #26 Totally agree.

It doesnt matter how often you are having sex, as long as both partners are satisfied. For some 5-6 times per year is good, for others 5-6 times per week isnt enough. Dont get caught up in an outside number you feel like you have to have sex. 

Also, how is your non-physical touch? Are you cuddling on the couch or kissing during the comercials? Doing things that arent all about sex, but are physical, could create that spark.

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