- 2 years ago
I haven’t visited the hive in a long time, but frankly I need some advice/support… or maybe just a good smack upside the back of the head. Apologies in advance if it’s a novel.
If you’d have asked me a couple weeks ago I would have said I was a waiting bee.
My guy and I had been together I’d say 4.5 five years with a couple of break-ups (usually 4-6 weeks, I’d say about once a year) in there.
We’ve never had easy circumstances, for the sake of context: we went from being two hours apart for a few months to an overseas deployment to being 2.5 hours apart for 3 years to being on opposite sides of the country. He’s always had an incredibly demanding job in the military and now he’s attending a very competitive business school, I’ve had some health problems as well as anxiety/depression which I manage effectively enough that most people are shocked when I tell them it’s something I struggle with, and then a couple weeks before this most recent break-up I had a miscarriage. (I was on birth control so it didn’t even dawn on me that I might be pregnant until the very unpleasant process of miscarrying which prompted the realization of how late I was.)
The break-ups were always initiated by him, and I guess I took him back each time because they felt more like panic attacks as a result of him being overwhelmed with life and slamming on the breaks to compartmentalize. He’s not the best at juggling his emotions and communicating them, and as someone who has my own panic attacks/bad spells I guess I empathized. We always came back from these spells stronger and our communication much better than before.
This last time I thought we were in it for the long-haul, though. I’d specifically told him I didn’t want to get back together unless it was headed towards marriage, even.
Anywho, I had flown to where he was and spent a week of vacation helping him move into his new apartment and then flew home with another visit already on the books in about 6 weeks, flight purchased and everything. The week of the visit arrives and he asks me not to come. He tells me how much he loves me and misses me but that he’s drowning in school and struggling to adjust to a very different pace of life (he is not the strongest student and was at a very quiet desert base in the middle of nowhere before this) so even though I was disappointed and hurt I understood and we moved the flight about a month out.
And I admit I was struggling to adjust to his new life too. He’d be in class long hours and then go out late blowing off steam with his cohorts and trying to make new connections, and yeah, I felt a little forgotten and we’d had some very heated fights about it, which is why I was so excited for the visit – to finally meet everyone, feel included and for us to kind of reconnect.
But again… the week of the visit comes and he tells me not to come because we need to be over. He just couldn’t see our relationship going any farther than this, even though we’ve regularly talked about me moving out there, marriage, children, the kind of family dynamic we wanted, even swapped pictures of rings I might like and such.
Well, I lost it on him. Eventually he admits he just doesn’t feel like he has his ducks in a row and can’t stand the idea of dragging me through all of this while he sorts himself out which seems like a giant cop-out to me and I told him as much, and now we’re back to where we’ve been so many times before – communicating every single day but not really together, not really done with each other.
I know I must have painted this awful picture of him just now, but in so many ways he’s also been the most amazing partner and that the back and forth on his part has tainted all of that both kills me and leaves me hesitant to completely cut him out of my life because I can’t help but thinking someday he’ll get there…?
I have no excuses for myself, bees. I’m young (30), not at all unattractive, and I have so much to bring to a relationship with someone who knows what they want. I know this is not healthy anymore and what I need to do – I just can’t seem to find it in myself to do it…?
I feel like I’m getting up and going about my life but my heart stays at home in bed at this point. Help.