(Closed) need to vent…. 5 years? REALLY???

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

How old are you guys?  I think you need to respect his need to wait.  

Post # 4
Member
10289 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

He’s obviously not ready so you need to give him time. My husband and I got engaged 5 years into our relationship and weren’t married until a year and a half later so I really don’t think his timeline is unreasonable. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice and considering this isn’t his first rodeo, it’s probably best for everyone involved if you take things slowly. Pushing him any further will either drive him away or he’ll end up resenting you.

Post # 5
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with PP, but also want to point out that plans change. Yes, he has a five year timeline now, but that could change (either become shorter or longer) based on circumstances. If he’s the one you want to be with, be patient with him and give him time. 

Post # 6
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Yeah, at least you’re learning about that now. I was in a similar situation with a divorced man, and it finally sunk in that it just wasn’t gonna work for me.  I’m not at an age where I can wait around for 5 years, and some people get so burned by divorce, that they absolutely need to do that.  That’s what you need to ask yourself.  It’s probably not going to happen until then, since this is what he told you, so can you live with that?  If not, well, you know what you need to do.  I left, and I’m glad I did!

Just don’t compare yourself to the ex though.  He was a different person and honestly, he didn’t have the same baggage back then.  I can’t imagine going through a divorce, but I can totally see why he’d want to avoid rushing into anything again.  It sucks for you, but that’s just the way it is.

Post # 7
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

too long…you have to give him credit for being honest now you enter this relationship eyes wide open

Post # 9
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

guess it depends on age example if you’re 22 it’s ok, if you’re 32 it’s too long

Post # 10
Member
9918 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ilovenycmissie:  It depends on the person, actually.  

Post # 11
Member
10289 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@peachacid:  I agree. Age can play a factor but what it really comes down to are the individuals involved.

@ilovenycmissie:  Based on the OP, I’m going to assume that she’s closer to 22 than 32 but I could be wrong. 

Post # 12
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

@klindzee:  I laughed out loud when I read the billy goat part. 😀

Post # 13
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

In my opinion, it sounds like he did learn, or is trying to learn, from his previous mistakes (marrying too soon, etc.) and do things right this time with someone he really cares about. Don’t take it as insult…it’s probably just the opposite.

Post # 14
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m glad you came here to vent 🙂 I think you’re being to hard on your boyfriend and yourself. 5 years sounds like a long time, but it’s not really in the grand scheme of things. When we first started dating, my boyfriend said he thought dating for 7 years was necessary before getting married. I was like WTF?! I also let myself think maybe it was because I wasn’t “good enough”.

Heres the thing, though – his timeline is all about him. It has nothing to do with how “good” you are or if you’re better than his ex. Clearly, you understand that his past failed relationship has changed his views on how to have a successful one. He’s not taking it out on you, he’s setting himself up to be in a place where he could commit to you forever. 

Let yourself vent here on the Bee & remind yourself that respecting his needs can only strengthen his trust and love in you. FWIW, my boyfriend proposed at around the 5 year mark, so timelines can always change!

Post # 15
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

To me, putting a timeline that far in the future is just stupid. 5 years for a lot of people is so very hard to picture; it seems like it’s always so far in the future. It’s a sign of not wanting to deal with the here and now. 1, 2, even 3 years people can picture. 5 years? It’s the never-ending future.

I think it’s fine for him to have his stance on 5 years, but wrong for him to assume you are going to wait around 3 more years than you planned on to see if he’s even ready to marry you. The longer the timeline, the more likely it is to get even longer, IMO.

Post # 16
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Before we got engaged and I would complain that we weren’t yet, one of my friends kindly reminded me that I’d already done the hard part and met the right guy.  It helped me calm down and enjoy the stage we were in. You won’t ever get back this fun dating stage you’re in now.  The weddingbee tends to make wedding planning and being engaged look like the best thing ever. Everyone has cool ideas, there are gorgeous dresses and plans everywhere.  Planning can be stressful and expensive.  Dont get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be engaged but our relationship hasn’t changed much and that’s the most important part.  Enjoy where you are.  You did the hard part. 

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