need to vent…. 5 years? REALLY???

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My fi was divorced almost 6 years ago. It took him almost 5 years to get over his first marriage. 

Your pushing him and if you push too hard your going to lose him. 

Post # 18
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

5 years is a long time for me.. and I’m young! It totally depends on the person! I don’t know what to say other than wait longer and see if you think it is either a)doable to wait that long and if it isn’t get out or b) he may change his mind (just don’t count on it)

Post # 19
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@pharmy:  I think it’s fine for him to have his stance on 5 years, but wrong for him to assume you are going to wait around 3 more years than you planned on to see if he’s even ready to marry you. The longer the timeline, the more likely it is to get even longer, IMO.

+1

Post # 20
Member
7606 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So, he rushed into one marriage and now you want him to rush into another?  I can see why he’s hesitant and it might not be because he was “burned” before, it may just be because he’s learned a lesson.

I can’t imagine being ready to marry someone after knowing them a year, but I’m sure it’s different for everyone.

Post # 21
Member
10285 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Juliepants:  My thoughts exactly. 

I wonder if the OP will come back and update. I’m interested to see how old they are.

Post # 22
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

HOnestly you guy sounds mature. Given that he just got out of a divorce, rushing to go get married again isn’t a great idea. I think you need to decide if you want wait, if you don’t move on.

Post # 23
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I say just relax and enjoy your time together. The more you pressure him, the more likely hes going to NOT want to do it, or rush into it again and then where will that leave you? If you both don’t want it then it’s not going to work. Give it time, he may realize in a year, or two that you are the right person for him and he is ready to get married. It sounds like his divorce is very new and that’s pretty scary to jump right into a marriage. Just lay off of the subject for a while and see what happens!

Post # 24
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Maybe he loves you enough to make sure that when he does decide to ask, he KNOWS its the right time and this time will not end in divorce. maybe he wants to make SURE that you are the one for him and doesnt want to make the mistake of a rushed decision again. in my opinion, 1 year isnt long enough to KNOW someone.. but thats just me.. i definitely understand how you feel though.. me and Fiance have been together for 8.5 years (engaged 10 months, wedding in a little less than 3 months) the wait definitely sucked, but if i wouldve rushed him, and he wouldve married me earlier, whos to say that we would still be together? i gave him the time and patience to ask me when HE was ready.. and it means so much more to me that way rather than wondering if hes doing it because i kept bugging him about it.. i think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is being very mature about this and you should be happy for that 🙂

Post # 25
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@kate02121:  I agree things do change.  This is FI’s second time, and at one point while we were dating he told me he never wanted to get married again.  I told him while I knew he had gotten divorced, (And found out recently that it had been finaliized about 5 few months before he met me.) that I couldn’t continue on in the relationship if getting married was truly not an option.  We kinda left it at that and after our many discussions about our future plans together he changed his mind.

Your guy hasn’t said no getting married he just wants/needs time to process things.  Like PPs have said this is a sign of maturity.  This timeline probably has nothing to do with you or even her.  Have you discussed other aspects of the future and mariage that didn’t involve timelines?  FI and I discussed a lot of stuff before we took this step.  We both wanted to make sure we would be making a good and rational decision, since he probably didn’t want a second divorce and I wanted to ensure I was comitting to someone who would stand by me even when times got rough.  We wanted to ensure that we’re compatible, that we truly want to be with each other and no one else, and that things that we disagreed on weren’t deal breakers, and that we could comprimise.

@CBetta Bride:  I like that thought proceess, our relationship hasnt changed much either and I somehow it feels more secure.

Post # 26
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Something you might not have considered…if the two of you jump into marriage right at this second, it might look bad to people who don’t know the two of you very well. It may make it seem like the two of you were carrying on while the two of them were still married, if the divorce just finalized. He may want to keep people from making assumptions like that. I’m not saying that’s probably his MAIN reason, but if he really did JUST get out of the relationship with her, it’s probably on his mind–or, at least, it would be on mine.

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