Post # 1
Ok to give you alittle background on my relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law she was my cheer coach in high school for 3 years. We got along great and she was always my 2nd mom. But when I started dating her son my senior year things kinda changed. My first year of college and even now when we go home, my nieces would come into town(they live 18 miles out of town from where I live) and they mean the world to me. So naturally when they come in I spend most of my time with them and my Fiance wants to see them to since they think the world of him and he knows how much they mean to me. So Future Mother-In-Law would always complain that I told Fiance that he had to stay with me and that she never see us.
I am now about done with college and planning my wedding here and our wedding is now in our hometown which is 220 miles away. So Fiance, one of my bridesmaid, personal attendent and me are going to be doing most of the work since we don’t get home that much between work and school for me.
First, when we got engaged my Future Mother-In-Law talked to the reception hall, photographer and dj before we have even decided on a date and she isn’t even paying for any of them!! So when I told my parents that they got mad because they are the ones paying for the wedding.
Second, I am the youngest child and with my sisters and my brothers wedding the grooms parents payed for the groomsmen, usher and fathers tuxes. When we told Future Mother-In-Law that is what we wanted to do she said that she had never heard of that and the groomsmen will be paying for their own tuxes. Which my parents are paying for half of the bridesmaid dresses. But then she was shoppping and bought tulle, cardbox, and a unity candle holder for us but yet she can’t save that money and pay for at least half of the tuxes.
Finally, when we asked for the guest list. We were actually home alot last month and asked everyweekend for the guest list and Future Mother-In-Law always said she didn’t have it done yet (which my soon to be brother-in-law just graduated from high school so she already had a list just had to add a few people) and would get it to us. My Fiance went home and I had to stay because I had work and school. FINALLY got the guest list but went to look at it to enter the names and she had only given FIRST NAMES no last names!!!! Most of them I could figure out but most of the family I have no idea what their last names are.
I just don’t know what to do anymore about it I try to make it a point that when we go home that we go over Father-In-Law house an visit them but that just doesn’t seem like that is enough. When we do go over there it is all about wedding stuff and how much I have done. But with me being in school and working I really don’t have the time to anything right now and I tell her the same anwser everytime I see her.
Post # 3
@hoenke: I’m really sorry your Future Mother-In-Law is stressing you out – I think a lot of brides are going through this. I think your best bet is to give her as little information as possible so she doesn’t try to get too involved where she shouldn’t be. If she asks you questions, just give her brief answers.
As for the Groomsmen, I have actually never heard of the groom’s parents paying for the tuxes – everyone paid for themselves. The same with the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, all the girls paid for their dresses (though I have heard of some brides paying for the dresses).
It sounds like she isn’t asking what you want, and just going ahead and doing what she wants. If she buys you stuff you don’t want/need, just thank her and tell her that you’re going with something else. Maybe she will get the hint and ask what you do want, and you could bring up the tuxes again.
For the guest list, I know you will need full names for Save-The-Date Cards and invites, but maybe she thinks you just need a head count for now so didn’t bother with last names? If you specify that you need full names for addresses maybe she will give them to you?
Good luck, don’t stress!
Post # 4
I’m sorry she’s stressing you out. It’s clear that she wants to help, but isn’t going about it in the most convenient way for you. Maybe try to include her on some of the decorative things and ask her how she’d like to help. You don’t have to give up creative control to include her or to accept her help in the way she wants to give it. Maybe to her aying for the tuxes isn’t keeping her involved enough. Does she have daughters of her own? My Future Mother-In-Law has 2 boys, so she really wanted to be involved with my wedding and my SIL’s wedding a lot, especially the creative/decor aspects.
Post # 5
@hoenke: I’ve never heard of anyone but the Groomsmen and the Bridesmaid or Best Man paying for their own stuff, but that’s besides the point. It sounds like you need to sit down with her and have a conversation about what you both need from each other throughout this process.
Post # 6
So I understand that you’re frustrated and want to talk about other things besides the wedding, and the disaster of a guest list IS a big issue (as is her speaking to the vendors when she is A. not the couple getting married, and B. not paying them). But…and I could be missing something here…it’s inappropriate for you to demand that she & her husband cover the costs for the tuxes. Just because that is what your parents did doesn’t mean it’s what they have to do (this aside from the fact that traditionally the BMs and GMs pay for their own attire). Telling your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law what to do with their money is a little on the offensive side. I can see maybe suggesting it if they’d asked, but you can’t insist that that’s what they should pay for. What’s wrong with them giving you an equal amount for something else, and then you just pay what you saved on that towards the tuxes?
Post # 7
There is this thing we call ‘bride brain’ here on weddingbee, where we get ourselves worked up about things that really aren’t a big deal jsut because of the dtress of wedding planning. I think that is the case here because your Future Mother-In-Law sounds nice and reasonable to me, some FMILs are so demanding, but I do think you and your parents have some unrealistic expectations. To address the points you talked about…
-I can see her being annoyed about the nieces thing, 18 miles is not ‘out of town’, and when you’re a couple you need to learn to share your time to be fair to both families.
– What was she talking to the reception hall and DJ and people about? I don’t see the big deal there, mildly annoying but just tell her you’ve got it under control, and tell your vendors to only discuss the details with you or your Fiance. But you did say you needed help and weren’t home much,w as she just trying to help?
– I have never ever heard of anyone paying for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and Groomsmen tuxes other than the people who will be wearing them, I’m not at all surprised that she was taken aback by this request. That is one of the duties of being in the wedding party, buying the outfit. And then she did buy some other things to help and you’re complaining?
– Yeah, the guest list thing is also annoying, but another easy solution…you need names and addresses by X date for everyone, any you don’t have you can’t send out invites to. Then it’s her own fault if someone doesn’t get invited.
– I know wedding planning can be stressful especially on top of work and school, I’ve done it…but if you’re just visiting once when you’re home and give her the same answers every time she asks, like you’re annoyed with her (which obviously you are), I’d feel hurt if I was here. She is obviously super eager to be involved and seems to be nice, not like some awful FMILs who diss all the brides’ decisions. So involve her! Talk to her about the wedding, maybe ask her to help you with a project where you don’t care too much about the details, something!
Post # 8
Thanks everyone for the advise
@Jenniphyr: I never demands that they pay for the tuxes I just said that is what my family did so it would be nice and most of our Groomsmen are still in college. But she assumed that I was paying for any of the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress which we are paying for half and the Bridesmaid or Best Man pay half. So I suggested that and she just kind of acted like is ignored me.
@courtney1188: My nieces live 18 miles in the country of my hometown I should say and I go to college 220 miles from my hometown. So when we come home for the weekend we usually spend friday night with Fiance family then Saturday we are my parents house because my nieces are usually there. So but Future Mother-In-Law still complains about it. Future Mother-In-Law was talking to the vendors about how much is was for but she is not paying for anything my parents are. When she bought the other things I guess I was just taken back by it because that is stuff the bride and groom buy not the FIL’s. Also my dress is ivory not white and everything she bought was white. I not trying to complain about it but I was appreciative that she bought it but I’m not going to about to use any of it. I’m trying to include her as much as possible but everytime she asks I don’t have anything more done because I am in school and tell her that I am going to do most of it over my Christmas break but yet she keeps asking.
Post # 9
I went through this with my FMIL- we had an awful time during the initial stages of wedding planning. Then it smoothed over. We get along swimmingly now. I think weddings just stress people out- there is a lot of financial, emotional, and familal baggage that goes into wedding planning and it is a real control battle at first. My advice: wait it out. It will get better between the two of you.