(Closed) Need to Vent about FMIL(long story….sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@hoenke:  I’m really sorry your Future Mother-In-Law is stressing you out – I think a lot of brides are going through this.  I think your best bet is to give her as little information as possible so she doesn’t try to get too involved where she shouldn’t be.  If she asks you questions, just give her brief answers.

As for the Groomsmen, I have actually never heard of the groom’s parents paying for the tuxes – everyone paid for themselves.  The same with the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, all the girls paid for their dresses (though I have heard of some brides paying for the dresses).

It sounds like she isn’t asking what you want, and just going ahead and doing what she wants.  If she buys you stuff you don’t want/need, just thank her and tell her that you’re going with something else.  Maybe she will get the hint and ask what you do want, and you could bring up the tuxes again.

For the guest list, I know you will need full names for Save-The-Date Cards and invites, but maybe she thinks you just need a head count for now so didn’t bother with last names?  If you specify that you need full names for addresses maybe she will give them to you?

Good luck, don’t stress!

Post # 4
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m sorry she’s stressing you out. It’s clear that she wants to help, but isn’t going about it in the most convenient way for you. Maybe try to include her on some of the decorative things and ask her how she’d like to help. You don’t have to give up creative control to include her or to accept her help in the way she wants to give it. Maybe to her aying for the tuxes isn’t keeping her involved enough. Does she have daughters of her own? My Future Mother-In-Law has 2 boys, so she really wanted to be involved with my wedding and my SIL’s wedding a lot, especially the creative/decor aspects. 

Post # 5
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@hoenke: I’ve never heard of anyone but the Groomsmen and the Bridesmaid or Best Man paying for their own stuff, but that’s besides the point. It sounds like you need to sit down with her and have a conversation about what you both need from each other throughout this process.

Post # 6
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

So I understand that you’re frustrated and want to talk about other things besides the wedding, and the disaster of a guest list IS a big issue (as is her speaking to the vendors when she is A. not the couple getting married, and B. not paying them). But…and I could be missing something here…it’s inappropriate for you to demand that she & her husband cover the costs for the tuxes. Just because that is what your parents did doesn’t mean it’s what they have to do (this aside from the fact that traditionally the BMs and GMs pay for their own attire). Telling your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law what to do with their money is a little on the offensive side. I can see maybe suggesting it if they’d asked, but you can’t insist that that’s what they should pay for. What’s wrong with them giving you an equal amount for something else, and then you just pay what you saved on that towards the tuxes? 

Post # 7
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

There is this thing we call ‘bride brain’ here on weddingbee, where we get ourselves worked up about things that really aren’t a big deal jsut because of the dtress of wedding planning. I think that is the case here because your Future Mother-In-Law sounds nice and reasonable to me, some FMILs are so demanding, but I do think you and your parents have some unrealistic expectations. To address the points you talked about…

-I can see her being annoyed about the nieces thing, 18 miles is not ‘out of town’, and when you’re a couple you need to learn to share your time to be fair to both families.

– What was she talking to the reception hall and DJ and people about? I don’t see the big deal there, mildly annoying but just tell her you’ve got it under control, and tell your vendors to only discuss the details with you or your Fiance. But you did say you needed help and weren’t home much,w as she just trying to help?

– I have never ever heard of anyone paying for the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses and Groomsmen tuxes other than the people who will be wearing them, I’m not at all surprised that she was taken aback by this request. That is one of the duties of being in the wedding party, buying the outfit. And then she did buy some other things to help and you’re complaining?

– Yeah, the guest list thing is also annoying, but another easy solution…you need names and addresses by X date for everyone, any you don’t have you can’t send out invites to. Then it’s her own fault if someone doesn’t get invited.

– I know wedding planning can be stressful especially on top of work and school, I’ve done it…but if you’re just visiting once when you’re home and give her the same answers every time she asks, like you’re annoyed with her (which obviously you are), I’d feel hurt if I was here. She is obviously super eager to be involved and seems to be nice, not like some awful FMILs who diss all the brides’ decisions. So involve her! Talk to her about the wedding, maybe ask her to help you with a project where you don’t care too much about the details, something!

Post # 9
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

I went through this with my FMIL- we had an awful time during the initial stages of wedding planning. Then it smoothed over. We get along swimmingly now. I think weddings just stress people out- there is a lot of financial, emotional, and familal baggage that goes into wedding planning and it is a real control battle at first. My advice: wait it out. It will get better between the two of you.

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