(Closed) Need to vent about my FI

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

5-6 drink daily is A LOT. And just because someone doesn’t “seem” like they’re affected doesn’t mean that they aren’t. It just means that they’ve learned how to mask the symptoms.

I’m not there and don’t know everything that’s going on, but getting drunk by yourself home along regularly is not normal. Notice I say REGULARLY. People drink. People get drunk. Sometimes they’re at home. It’s a pattern you should be wary of.

How often does he drink these days?

Post # 4
Member
6826 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Personally this is a huge red flag. I dated a man like this, and never again would I date or be with someone like that.  I would suggest talking to him and seeing if he would start to either go to AA or counselling. He has a drinking problem, whether he believes it or not. 

Post # 5
Member
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Anything going on at home? Super finacial stress, wedding issues, job issues, death in the family?

Whens the wedding? How long have you known each other for?

I know we think its normal for our age people to drink or get wasted here and there but the reasoning behind it can carry into the later years of life and cause big problems.

Sorry for asking all the questions, just want to get a better grip on things before doling out thoughts and opinions 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

i def think you need to talk to him….it kinda sounds like he might have the beginning stages of alcholism…..

but he wont get help until he admits or sees that he has a problem and from what you said on here…he does.

so talk to him.

wishing you luck and praying for you guys!

Post # 8
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would be worried about him developing alcholism..it is a disease..and it can destroy relationships. Just level with him..when he is sober..hopefully he will see the light.

Post # 9
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@Unknown: I don’t think you should be telling him he isn’t allowed to drink for a month. From what you wrote this isn’t exactly a pattern (drunk as a skunk everyday) but rather an occassional thing. Yes it was inconvenient for you because you had things you wanted him to do, but I don’t consider last night, one night last week, and one night a few months ago alcoholism.

I just think you’re annoyed because it was inconvenient for you (which is fair enough) but I wouldn’t make this into a bigger issue if he is not drinking like this every night.

Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Unknown:5-6 beers every night is a lot, even if he doesn’t seem affected by them.

This post sounds like I could have written it a year ago.  He didn’t drink every night, he wouldn’t necessarily go out and buy alcohol during the week if it wasn’t in the house, and he never did anything that affected his ability to function on a day-to-day basis… it was just that when he did drink it was always more than me, and a few times (not many) I came home to find him drunk.  Again, this didn’t happen often or very many times at all, but when it did happen, it raised my warning signals just a little.

My husband now attends AA meetings daily and hasn’t had a drink in six months… so I disagree completely with the previous poster who suggests that you’re overreacting.  A person doesn’t need to be drunk every day to be an alcoholic, or to develop alcoholic habits.  My husband never drank every day, and would go days or weeks without drinking.  The times he drank heavily really were rare, but at some point he realized his relationship with alcohol was not normal and that’s when he started attending meetings.  People aren’t alcoholics only when their drinking drastically affects their lives.

Post # 12
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Unknown: I’m glad he recognized what led to the heavy drinking and apologized to you about it. But he also needs to realize that turning to Alchohol as a coping mechanism is dangerous and indicative of an addict’s behaviour. You need to continue to discuss this with him and encourage him to seek counseling to find better ways to handle his stress.

Also, you say 5-6 drinks a day is not a lot? Just because his tolerance was up, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t too much, because that is wayy too much to be drinking on a daily basis, for ANYBODY.

Post # 13
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Unknown: i will also add that my husband had some similar behaviours for a while and it escalated to the point where I had to stage an intervention with him and his parents. It really woke him up and now he is much more careful about how much he chooses to consume.

Post # 14
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would just like to point out to @gcwest: and other PP as they bring up alcoholism that OP said he doesn’t drink 5-6 anymore (only did at the beginning of their dating) and doesn’t even drink daily anymore. Thought I’d bring it up since it appears many of the PP are operating under the opposite assumption.

 

Good luck OP! And my condolences.

Post # 16
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Unknown: Drinking alone, heavily, is an alcoholic tendency. I dated an alcoholic and so I do feel I have some insight for you that perhaps others who have never had a relationship with a heavy drinker don’t have.

He always said that drinking alone is the devil’s work. Getting trashed in a short period of time is not an accident. You know very well what you are doing every time you open another bottle.

Drinking for comfort or to alleviate pain or stress with alcohol is also called self medicating. Any medical professional will tell you that self medicating is part of a deeper issue and it is a big warning sign and one should NEVER self medicate.

His remorse is typical of heavy drinkers. They know what they are doing is wrong. I do believe he is sorry but not sorry he drank. He’s sorry that it upsets you.

If your fiance can abstain for a month, he might be able to control his alcoholic tendencies himself. If, however, he slips again and apologizes again, he may be in need of AA.

My ex would say he was done with the bottle and then would slip and when I found out, would cry and tell me how sorry he was.

My advice is to keep a close eye on your fiance. Look for other changes. Changes in eating, sleeping patterns. Alcoholics don’t eat because they fear they will kill the “buzz”.

Getting “trashed” in 2-3 hours would mean taking in A LOT of drinks. The standard is one drink an hour for any adult. So he must be consuming 4 or 5 an hour.

I hope this situation is not as dire as I’m making it sound after reading just your one post and I’m wishing you both well and I hope my post helped in some way  or another.

Dating an alcoholic was the worst experience of my life up until that time. If your fiance truly has a problem, no one except trained professionals will be able to help him. All the love you have for him will not be enough. My ex was a “working alcoholic”. He had a very prestigious position in the Government. He was very very smart and although he had to call in “sick” several times because of drinking, he hid his habit from work and his family. He looked sickly when he drank and like a stallion when he didn’t and was able to hit the gym and go back to doing things he loved.

Again, I hope I’m wrong, but since you are worried and posting about it, I want you to be absolutely sure that he’s not on an alcoholic path.

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