(Closed) Need to vent about my stepmom

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Relationships with step moms are a really tricky thing, especailly if your ersonalities are really different, which sounds like is the case here. As far as the loan and school stuff go, I think you should let that go, once you are an adult those things are no longer your parents responsibily. For your wedding day, I would try to give her as little responsibilty as possible maybe telling her that you want her to be able to relaxe and enhoy the day as much as possible. If she tries to make things about her, ignore it she will make herself look like a fool.

ETA: Is there a reason why she has been at all of these appointments, are they paying for anything? If not, maybe keeping those kinds of decisions and meetings between you and your Fiance. Sometimes having too many people involved just makes things more diffcult.

Post # 4
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This lady would not be at my wedding. I’ve had my fair share of family drama and feel adamant that I won’t stand for this. I don’t care who she is….but then again, I can be a bitch.

Post # 5
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee

I have to agree with MrsMeNow. I would schmooze the ever-living daylights out of this woman and tell her that you want her to feel refreshed and relaxed on the big day. You would prefer to not stress her out by putting too much on her plate since she’s done so much already…blah blah blah. She sounds like the type of person who is selfish and self-absorbed enough to believe the blather you feed her. This will result in a couple things: 1) keeping her off your back the day of and 2) saving your relationship with your Dad. No good will come of fighting with her…the last thing you want is for her to retaliate in any way (and it sounds like she might just do that). Awful woman. I am sorry you are having to deal with this!

Post # 7
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree with @ieatunicorns: about the loans. I would just forget about it. My FH had the same situation and his dad tagged him with 15K just last year. He wasn’t bothered by it. Both of us are old enough to take care of our school expenses.

And Even if your stepmom and dad have agreed to pay for part of the wedding, I wouldn’t have planned for it or expected it. Then again, my family hasn’t paid a cent for my education (to grad school) or for my wedding, so I guess I was just raised to take favors whenever and if ever they come my way.

As for your step-mom, I do believe point 1 and 9 are crossing the line. The other points, unfortunately, are just what I’d expect from a woman who might have insecurities about herself on a day that isn’t really about her. Don’t indulge her. Give her minimal duties if possible to avoid headaches. She might complain about it, but complaints are easier to handle than if she took the responsibilities and totally flaked. That’s all the advice I can give.

Post # 8
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sweetpeony:  At this point I think it would be safe to start excluding her from wedding events. You don’t have to do it overtly. Make appointments for you and your mother only or your closest friends. You tried to extend the olive branch and she failed, not you.

Her bragging about her school seems like she is rubbing salt in the wound about not paying for college In My Humble Opinion.

Assign the Bach party to someone else or assign someone else to assist her with it. She will make it all about herself. Or, just “cance” it because “you decided you didn’t want one” and have a night out with your girlfriends.

She wants to be the center of attention. Make it so she’s not. Keep her away from you while dressing for the wedding. Be vague and dodge phone calls and find a place where you can spend time with your mother and bridal party.

Post # 9
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t know why you include her or give her task when she clearly isn’t handling things the right way. Who cares if she wants to compete with your mom, she will never be your mother because she is a STEP Parent. If I were you I would keep her at a arms lenght.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

STOP INVITING HER TO THINGS!!! Really, its easy. Tell your dad that since he can’t seem to put the wedding of his daughter over his obnoxious wife, she is no longer invited to any wedding events, and if she doesn’t get over herself, she won’t be at the wedding either

Post # 12
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@sweetpeony:  She could be jealous over your wedding since she wants a “do over” with your Dad. It’s safe at this point to just exclude her and avoid phone calls. Learn the art of “mm hmm” and “We’ve got that covered” or “I will let you know”

Post # 13
Member
48 posts
Newbee

@sweetpeony:  At the risk of catching a lot of slack here, as a step mom, I’d like to weigh in.  I’m not sure how old you are; but judging by your photo, you’re about 26???  It was nice that your dad and his step mom were going to help you with your nursing school loan.  I’m sorry that at this time, they can’t.  I’m sure that must have been a major inconvenience for you especially with having the additional expense of a wedding.  Don’t blame your step mom, though, for renigging on the agreement to help you with your loan.  Just put it behind you and know that if your dad and she could help you, they would.  You say that them not helping with your loan and not supporting you financially with your wedding is not really your complaint; but I have to say…It must be because for what other reason would it need to be mentioned?

As a step mom who hasn’t been included in any part of my step daughter’s wedding plans, I have to tell you, I think it’s great that you did include your step mom in some of the plans.  That was really sweet of you and I hope your step mom appreciates you doing that.  I know I would have.

To comment on each of your numbered items:

1)  It was really poor judgement on her part to be talking about how wonderful her school program is going when she knew darn right well that you weren’t going to school anymore because you couldn’t afford it.  She’s either not too intelligent.  Or she’s spiteful.

2) She shouldn’t have been looking at gowns for herself at all on YOUR dress day.  She seems quite insensitive.  But that was really sweet of you to allow her to share in your happy moment.  I’d have been very touched by your kind gesture. I’m envious!

3) Why couldn’t your dad provide the addresses?  I think he should have. 

4) It was sweet of you to try to include your step mom with many of the wedding plans.  I don’t know that I’d have wanted to be in charge of the bacheleorette party, though.  Your step mom must be more hip than I am!  LOL It isn’t right if she is trying to steal the attention at any given moment.  But keep in mind, the attention (affection) she might be seeking is yours. 

5) Okay, I take all the kind words I said about her above BACK!  She seems like she doesn’t know when to quit!  You’re to be credited for your tolerance!

6) “Hasn’t offered any meaningful help at all relating to the wedding, but wants some special duties/status on the wedding day.”  If it’s something she can do and it’ll keep her out of your hair, let her do it.  I have to ask you…You said that she hasn’t offered to help.  I have to tell you…I’d love to help my step daughter but I’d feel like I’m infringing on her mother’s role.  I think you should be the one asking.  It’s tough being the step mom because like I say, I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and I want the mother of the bride to enjoy every single moment of her daughter’s wedding plans.  I have to tell you, having known my step daughter since she is 5 years old, I’m a little hurt that she hasn’t asked me for anything nor involved me with anything. 

7) Okay, I’m going back to …Don’t ask much of her.  She’s either forget, not so intelligent, or spiteful.  Something seems amiss.  How the heck did she forget the champaign glasses?  Possibly an oversight; but suspicious to me.

8) “Sent an unnecessary email complaining about her duties that were assigned… complained that she was dissapointed in how i have handled everything.”  What exactly did she say?  Does she feel insignificant to you?

9) Your wedding day was going to be somewhat of a “do-over of her wedding to your father.” My wedding to my step daughter’s dad was very minimalistic.  I regret that.  Perhaps your step mom feels the same way I do.  Was it very ignorant of her to mention that she was going to use your wedding as a sort of “do-over?”  YES!  She shouldn’t have said that especially to her step daughter.  She needs to remind herself over and over again that this wedding is about YOU and YOUR HUSBAND, not her.  Sympathize with her envy, though.  Suggest to her to “re-do” her vows with your dad.  And tell her that if she promises to focus on YOUR wedding day now, you’ll try to help her “re-do” be just as special for her.  She does need to quit making your day HERS!  You are one heck of a good step daughter!  Very very kind and tolerant.  God love ya!

10) “has taken little stabs/made fun of me regarding wanting to be the center of attention at the shower/bachelorette/wedding day.”  When she does do that, if you truly thinking she’s being malicious, stab back with a response like, “You got that right!  I’m going to enjoy every minute of this wonderful time!  Thank you for being a part of it.”  This woman seems like she’s just determined to appear as if she is part of your day.  Let her have a little part of it.  But constantly remind her, “thanks for being part of MY day.  I’m glad you are.”  Maybe then, she’ll try a little less hard to prove to the world that she’s part of yours. 

You aren’t being stupid.  You have a lot of valid points.  Don’t worry about her making a scene on your wedding day.  She’s going to be too busy reliving her “I do” with your dad.  Seriously.  Just keep smiling.  Let her enjoy your day.  And YOU enjoy it, too.  No matter what she says or does from this point on, just smile (unless of course it infringes on your desires).  If it gets out of hand, just keep repeating, “Let’s just enjoy this day.”  You shouldn’t have to “babysit” her throughout this very special time of your life.  But do whatever you can to avoid WWIII!  You want to have happy moments of this time not WWIII memories!  🙂  My heart goes out to you!

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