Need to vent… future MIL

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You need to be able to distinguish between stuff that matters and stuff that doesn’t. 

What she feels comfortable spending on her own outfit is none of your business, just as it’s not hers to query and critique non-controversial choices you are paying for and in charge of. You may think it was kind of you to offer to buy her outfit abroad, she may have thought it was controlling.

As for the rest if it, she sounds a bit like my mum, I know it’s annoying. Be clear but polite where you can give clear information to stop her in her tracks, “I’ve already sourced them Barbara, don’t worry.” “Honestly Barbara, everything is going just fine, I wish you’d stop worrying about things, I know you’re trying to be helpful but it’s actually more stressful.” Your main defense is developing selective deafness and the ability to repeat “Don’t worry, we’ve got it covered.” and diverting her onto other topics like current affairs, her hobbies; her best friend’s marital problems, – anything but the wedding.

She is struggling to adapt to having adult children whose friends and partners are also autonomous adults. She wants to be needed. And involved. Throw her the odd bone if you can (traditionally she gets to organise and fund the rehearsal dinner) and let her have her head on that and praise her every idea in that area.

Good luck! I’m 46 and my mother still asks if I’ve got my passport before I go abroad despite the fact that in 27 years of independent international travel I have yet to forget any travel documents etc. 

Post # 3
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

All I got from this is you and your fiancé need to stop the info train with her on wedding stuff. Stop sharing, stop sending photos, and shut down the input.

“Thanks Mother-In-Law, however, we have it covered.” Change subject and keep changing it. No pay no say. Your fiancé needs to handle his mom ultimately and set the same boundaries.

Post # 4
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

xofuturemrsxo :  oh fuck that noise. She’s being a controlling bitch and she knows it. While the dress she wears is of no real concern NORMALLY it is when she can’t pay for it and Fiance foots the bill.

Put your foot down and learn to deflect. “No. I don’t want those bouquets.” When she asks why say, because I don’t. Wash rinse repeat. 

Is call her down hard on her comments about my hair. “What I do with my body is none of your business. Do not bring this up again.”

Bullshit like this is why Dealing with In Law Nation exists. Please take a gander at how these women take control of their lives. I have been a much happier woman since I told my Mother-In-Law she can keep her opinions to herself or I can just never see her. 

https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

Post # 5
Member
5862 posts
Bee Keeper

Your hair is your business, you can style it anyway you want and colour it anyway you want.

Other than this, it sounds like you’re the problem. 

Pretty much everything else you’ve written makes it sound like you’re determined to be critical and judgmental of her- and most especially comparing her negatively with your own mom. It’s great that your mom got an amazing deal on her dress, but if Future Mother-In-Law paid more to get her own dress, why are you snarking on it, especially when she was considerate enough to come to you and ask what colour or style you want her to be in. Then you dismiss her choices as ‘looking like an old granny’ and say you’ll get one overseas for her…..it sounds like she’s trying to be nice, she’s wanting to be useful, and you’re looking down your nose at her. 

And I do agree with you that Save-The-Date Cards are sufficient for people to make their travel plans. However, your Future Mother-In-Law is right in that you CAN and often do get better deals in advance. 5 months away is not unreasonable to be making international travel plans, nor for your Future Mother-In-Law to book her own accommodation,  so this seems more like you’re determined to find fault with your Future Mother-In-Law no matter what she does. I feel sorry for her actually. 

Post # 6
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m sorry to say but you have as much fault as her.  What she chooses to dress like (within acceptable norms aka not white) and where she wants to buy her dress from is none of your business.  Being a snark and talking about your moms great cheap dress is indicative that you want to create issues where there are none.  Both are completely and utterly irrelevant. Younext stated that she couldn’t afford the dress so your fiancé paid for it.  Did she tell you guys that and told him/you to buy it for her or did both of you assume she couldn’t buy it and then offered to pay?  If it’s the later don’t use what she perceived as a potential gift as leverage.  If it’s the former both of you need to setup up boundariesand say “no we can’t afford it” and let her own the consequences of her decisions.

Another example is the motel. Again, not your business people can stay wherever they want to.

Another example yet again is her “badgering” her family.  Once again, not your business.  She might have a very good reason you don’t know since you don’t understand their family dynamics.  My mother used to have to do this to one of my siblings because she would always leave things last minute even with invitations and then either have to spend my moms money significantly or end up skipping things.  This is not once again your business.  If they have an issue they can tell her off themselves.

As for the invitations it could be a cultural thing (maybe an age or family thing too). Some people or cultures do not understand the concept of a save the date (this is rather new in terms of weddings) and only actually believe the invitation itself is the card of summons so they won’t start planning a trip unless they received it.  If they are out of the country you can bet that 5 months will give you a chance to snatch a good deal/better deal than 3 months.  Now if your invitations won’t be ready by then than do explain that and let her know to pass on the info that the save the date is the actual call for summons so to speak.  However if you are using the invitation to say “he’ll no I won’t do it because of you asking me too” you are also being exceedingly petty.

Now the other comments I do give you that shthe s being annoying and probably has preconceived notions such as your dyed hair.  Just say “you’ve got this” that “everything is according to your plan and you’re not stressed that this has been the most fun you’ve had” and change the subject.  If she’s an anxious person, as it sounds she is, she is likely doing a lot of projecting so you affirming you aren’t feeling like her might get you to take a step back.  If she gets to be too much ask your fiancé to talk to her and see if she will settle down.

i would strongly recommend not going to DWIL as your issues have significantly to do with issues of your own, but due to the toxicity those posters experience they will see your situation with very black coloured glasses.  I believe your issues are easily fixed by adjusting your perception of what is of your concern and control.

Post # 7
Member
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ettalie :  

What you said x 100.

I do hope OP didn’t make her Future Mother-In-Law feel bad about  the ring pillow, I mean unless it is the size of a bolster and coloured  red and purple , what could   be nicer than one made by hand for you , in love. Such a tiny thing too, nobody on earth remembers what somebody else’s  ring pillow  looked like.I would be so hurt if my FDIL turned  up her nose at  such a gift .  

Post # 8
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

xofuturemrsxo :  that’s annoying ! I see that she is trying to help n prolly means well but I would be so pissed. Since I wouldn’t want to be rude , I guess this is what I will do, I will make a schedule of to do list according to my plan, add 3-4 week padding n give it to her that that is my schedule and everything is under control and that she shouldn’t worry.

Post # 9
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Ugh, sorry this is annoying. I know she’s just trying to help but this would drive me crazy too. Why is she asking you questions just to critise your answers? Maybe she should mind her own buisness instead of worrying about your hair etc.

Can you maybe bond with her about what it was like when she was getting married? If you ask her if she planned her own wedding or if it was her parents? Maybe that could explain why she feels the need to meddle and it could help you to say ‘that’s nice that you had all that help but I’ve always been independant and I find it easier to be decisive instead of worrying about pleasing everyone.’

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

xofuturemrsxo :  none of those things are anything I’d die on a hil for.. 

 

Post # 11
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

To me this just sounds like a Mother-In-Law who is excited about the wedding and wants to be onvolved but since you seem to be shutting her down at every point she’s taken things into her own hands.  I wouldn’t freak out about any of that stuff.  You and her obviously have very different styles and approaches to tihngs like this. My Future Mother-In-Law is insisting that we play a certain song at our wedding that both Fiance and hate, but you know what we did?  We took her suggestion, found an acoustic version that we could tolerate and respected that this is very important to her.  I get it, believe me, it’s “your” wedding.  But she doesn’t appear to be doing it maliciously or with the intent to take over so I would just cut her some slack.

Post # 12
Member
2466 posts
Buzzing bee

Read some of the “My mother in law just pushed me in front of a train” threads and hopefully you’ll feel much better.

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