(Closed) Need to Vent (long)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

You are a true inspiration!  I’m proud of you for what you’re doing – and I just want to say best of luck and hang in there.  You are loving yourself first and that is wonderful.  Wear those hot outfits and have a ball!!!!  You know, we all should have a man who can’t wait to marry us, you’re right when you say it shouldn’t be a struggle.

Keep us posted!!

 

Post # 19
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Oh Gwen I’m so sorry! I’ve been following you’re story since before and I really thought he had his shit together. Good for you for being such a strong woman. You’re an inspiration to me. Have fun not stressing about getting engaged anymore, and being your own person ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 20
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

Frown Sorry…it sucks….but I really think your are doing all the right things ! ๐Ÿ™‚ And I agree 110% a few days or a week away, it helps one to think clearly, and one to think seriously about what is and what is not. Your SO seems like a good guy and even with this, he’s not a bad guy and there is a lot of love there. Not everything in life will work out on the time line we give it too and sometimes we just gotta bite it when it doesn’t. Maybe…..if you were to suggest separate living places (I said “suggest”) as a warning signal for him, maybe he will than take things a little more to heart. Worth the try  !! 

Enjoy that shopping ๐Ÿ™‚ and chin up !!!!!  

 

Post # 21
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Aww Gwen I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’ve been rooting for you all along.

Something that might give you a little bit of hope: My best friend’s cousin and her husband went through an extremely rocky patch a couple years ago. They had been married around 3 years at that point and T, the husband, was 35 years old, no college degree, and all he did was sell paintings which earned a pittance. B, the wife, worked three jobs and went to beauty school so that they could make ends meet, not to mention that she had to do ALL the housework and ALL the money managing because T constantly fell for his mother’s guilt trip and would drive an hour one way to spend the whole day at her house doing his paintings. They both wanted to have a baby but B wouldn’t hear of it until T was pulling his own weight. For countless months she told him that she would leave him if he didn’t pick up the slack and tell his mother to back off, and it took her writing him a letter saying she had waited long enough and spending a few nights at family’s house for him to realize, “Oh. Wow. She’s really serious.” T has since gone back to school, they started a local business together, and they just welcomed their first baby three weeks ago.

Sometimes guys just need a painful kick in the pants to get them in gear. I think men sometimes get so comfy (and maybe a little egotistical) and don’t fully realize that their partner CAN and WILL actually leave if things don’t improve. You are absolutely doing the right thing, and even if it doesn’t work out for you two together, you are obviously a strong woman and you will be just fine ๐Ÿ™‚ You’re doing what’s best for YOU, and that’s all that’s important.

Best of luck, girl. I’ll be thinking of you this weekend. I hope you’ll come back and update us when you feel ready.

Post # 22
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry that it didn’t work out as you hoped.  I think this break will help you two figure out what you want.  I too keep convincing myself that it’s going to happen or that my SO will figure it out.  Yesterday we had a meltdown(again) about getting married and children.  Don’t these men know how they send us mixed messages?!  I know exactly what you mean when you say it shouldn’t be a struggle.  I say that to myself all the time.  Why? But then I think it’s not me it’s him.  We just got to keep our heads up and not let these men control our lifes.  Good Luck Gwen.  Keep us posted.

Post # 23
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Not sure how much advice I can give as I am in a similar situation – now that we own a house, it would be really difficult to negotiate what you are.  You have some leverage now and I would use that to your advantage. 

Also try being very nice and very calm – that probably frightens men more than anything else as they see the woman is not being “emotional”.

That being said, is it not possible that he DOES have something planned.  I mean, yes he had a lot of time to plan and propose from moving in the first time, so I won’t cut him too much slack.  However, even as a female I feel stressed thinking he has to rush and propose prior to signing anything.  Perhaps he wanted it to be a touch nice than that.  I know you wouldn’t want it in the rental office (someone mentioned this and what I was thinking in a previoius post). 

Did he say anything more about and what reasons are aside from “these things take time”?  Like mercury is in retrograde? What? 

I have been following your posts for a while and I really hope things work out!!

Post # 24
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Unlike the other ladies here, I’m new and so I haven’t been following your situation. However, it sounds like things have been rocky for ages, and that maybe you two have been harboring different goals for a while now. My only advice is to be honest with yourself. Be as brutally honest as you can about the guy he is (and the relationship he’s capable of having with you) rather than hoping for the guy he could be (and the relationship you want).

Whatever happens, I wish you luck. It’s no fun feeling this way.

Post # 25
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hey Gwen, so sorry to hear things aren’t going as you hoped.  I would say to not lose hope just quite yet – I believe in the philsophy of “hope for the best and plan for the worst.”  Basically, blatantly start scheduling and going to apartment showings for just yourself with the FULL intention of moving into these places if he doesn’t propose by then (or hey, even if he does – a year lease isn’t so bad apart).  If you don’t need to move out of your current place until August you have some time (where I live, you only start looking 6-8 weeks in advance, no more because people give 60 days notice usually).  The time away – for you and for him – is a great idea.  And wear those hottie outfits – for yourself and ok, I confess, to remind him what he’ll miss.  Do NOT say another word about engagements and living together to him.  If he dares remark again on how it takes time…challenge him and say “actually, it’s only four words, so I’m thinking that’s about 4 seconds – the rest is just fancy icing.”

But honestly, I don’t think you need give up on your relationship just yet as long as you are willing to give it some time to reinforce to him you are serious here.  I admit I don’t remember your ages/how long you’ve been dating, however.

Best of luck to you in however you handle it.

Post # 27
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’re doing the right thing.  Just wanted to tell you that… I’ve been rooting for you since I joined WB.  I hope to see a happy ending.

Post # 28
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@GwenvonD:  Hey Gwen.  I haven’t read your previous posts, but from reading this one I can totally relate.  You did nothing wrong in believing and trusting him.  I would wait for my man FOREVER if I thought he really was doing what he had to do to marry me (even if it was just saving a penny a day).  It’s when we think or confirm that they haven’t done anything and do not intend to that we have to consider whether or not this is a relationship we want to continue.  It sounds like you are ready to walk away from your relationship so I just want to wish you luck and let you know that it’s ok to take some time and really think about what’s best for you and your boyfriend.

I really hope it works out for you in the end.  Best of luck.

Post # 29
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

Gwen, I’m sorry to see this ended up the way it. I think it’s smart to take a break if nothing happens just to see if things get better. I think it’s important to know what you want and I agree with everything you said. I hope everything works out for you two. 

Post # 30
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@GwenvonD: I’m sorry he’s disapponted you again.  I’m also glad you’re taking some time away to let him ‘miss’ you and to get your mind sorted out about what you want and need.  I will say that in some cases the lady taking action to show she’s going to be fine moving on if that’s the way it needs to be is just the slap in the face he needs to get his act together. 

Whatever happens, I know you’ll make it through, and ‘me time’ is something everyone can use a bit of, so take as much as you need, reagrdless of the status of your curent relationship.

Here’s a quote from one of my favorite authors that may J should take to heart:

‘Love is the condition where the happiness of another is essential to your own.’

You’ve been more than clear about expecting to be engaged and not just coasting along in the kinda lazy, ‘it’s not broke’ mindset some men seem to have about relationships, and he’s already been wishy-washy about following through in the past.  Just be sure to make sure while away from him how you’d respond to any of his possible ways of asking you to return.  At this point, if he were to pull out an Easter egg with a ring in it, how would you feel?  How about it he tried to set another date, later?  What is he asked your parents’ blessing, but told them he couldn’t (for whatever reason) propose for another 6 months?  Prepare for such things in advance so you’re not making decsions on the fly if he pulls on your heart strings when you’re trying to take hold of them yourself.

Post # 31
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@Mrs. Harmony: I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to let go of Mr. Unsure.  I was hoping he’d get his act together, especially at his age.  He’s gonna find out being a commitment-phobe at 65-85 isn’t all it’s crakced up to be, whiie you’ll have found someone who won’t make you guess how he feels.

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