(Closed) Need to vent to girls who know what I'm going through

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m not really in your situation, so sorry if you were looking for advice only from those who are. But to me it seems odd that he’s gotten your hopes up twice and let the time pass without following through. And, to me, his reasons don’t seem like enough. He wanted it to be a surprise, so he let you down by not doing it when he said he would? Summer is three months long. It’s not like you were expecting it on a particular day. And the reason about money — do you care if you don’t have the ring right away? Some people do, and I understand. I’m not engaged yet, and I wouldn’t him to propose without a ring, mainly because we’ve talked a lot about getting married and it’s definitely on our agenda, so it wouldn’t be as meaningful to me without the ring (the symbol) because we’ve already pretty much decided to make that commitment to each other. But would you be okay with him proposing without a ring and getting it when he has the money?

It just seems to me like there’s more going on with him and that he’s dodging getting engaged. I’d talk to him and try to get some real answers, because his reasons don’t seem to add up. Especially since you’ve moved to be with him and left a job that you loved. It seems like you’re doing a lot of sacrificing, and I think you deserve to know whether he’s on the same page.

Post # 4
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I know how you feel. I’m almost 30 and my SO is almost 34, we’ve been together for 2 years but dated previously years ago. We’ve been living together for over a year (happened quickly-which Im starting to regret.) we haven’t even seriously talked about getting engaged and now his construction business is failing and he doesn’t have $ For a ring. He recently went back to school -he is a Navy vet and gets school paid for AND paid while in school, so this was just a way to earn a “paycheck” if you will.

its been causing a lot of problems in our relationship, because I’ve been feeling like I’m just his live-in girlfriend at this point and even beginning to question whether he wants to be married again (he’s divorced). Talking to him about it is impossible because then he pulls the “pressure” card. So I keep quiet and the resentment and bitterness builds. It’s a vicious cycle.

i think you (and I and any other person in a similar situation) need to reevaluate the relationship. Are you happy otherwise? You’re young still, I’m so afraid of starting over at my age. 

Post # 5
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@mikarla:  I’ve been with SO for 5.5 years. We’re in a bit of a different situation, but I totally understand how frusterating it can be.

I agree with PP that it’s strange he has made promises and broken them. I don’t know about Australia, but Lawyer and Officer should pay enough to buy a ring…..even if it isn’t expensive. Have you looked at Moissonites? They are a lot less expensive, and if you feel the need to later in life, you can change them for diamonds.

I’d have him sit down and maybe see if marriage is something he really wants to do or if he keeps making promises he doesn’t intend to keep?

Post # 7
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

@memo:  Agreed. Money shouldn’t be an issue, unless he’s severely in debt.

Regardless, I’m sure he doesn’t know how important it is to you, because if he did and still let you down twice, I would say he’s all-out EVIL and you would have noticed that by now. You need to have a serious talk about whether he really WANTS to get married, and if he doesn’t, if he think it’ll ever come. Tell him how much he hurt you, but in a calm, non-resentful way.

Don’t take the “by 2013” crap, though. If he’s serious, go look at rings together. Ask him what kind of wedding he envisions. Start making small but serious plans with him, and if he doesn’t like that, I’m afraid he probably won’t want to get married. 

Then you’ll need to decide how important marriage is for you in the short term (if he says “one day” and you believe him)… but I hope it won’t come to that!

Post # 8
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I was in the same boat with you.

But i have been with my SO for 7 years!

My feelings at the time and i told him, were even if he did purposed as i had waited so long it is no longer a surprize and more like about time attitude.

On my birthday i just cried because i felt so old, and at a dead end.

we agreed to get hitched in the end.

we ended up picking the ring and i waited, and waited, and waited. I kept asking has he asked my dad? bought the ring? so many, many excuses.

Mind you we also bought a house together, so i told him your pretty much in shit creek already.

and then i stoped caring, was bitter and didn’t want to marry the idiot anyway.

anyway when he did ask, all that anger before was just in my head it sort of washed away. All that waiting to just realize you are with the person you just want to be with everyday was enough to make me cry like a baby, all that stress was just worth it.

Weddings are expensive, Children are expected after a wedding these are the major things that can hold a guy back.

anyway i’m also from australia, and you see poeple dating for a year a month and then getting married. Those people annoy the shit out of me, so i understand how you feel. Sometimes it can feel your being left behind in the wedding game, but everyone is different, and its all about communication.

it’s also something he needs to want to do, but like any girl who loves there man, you will wait for him, but not forever.

Post # 9
Member
1653 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@mikarla:  First, I’m very sorry that this is happening to you, I can relate.  I was with my now Fiance for just about SEVEN, yes…SEVEN years.   We broke up after many many many arguments on “why aren’t we engaged yet?”  We lived together, so it was really tough.  Like you, birthdays, holidays, vacations passed with nothing happening. 

I moved out and come to find out that I was left in the dark about a personal issue of his that delayed our engagement and caused some issues. It was horrible and took a lot of communication and understanding to get back to where we are today.  After I moved out, we even continued to see each other for a few months until I could see that we were still getting nowhere.  I then cut   off all communication for 4 months until I randomly get a text from him one day. Soon after we got back together and were soon engaged.  Yes, that time sucked and it took a lot of work.

I was so sick of the excuses, he had money excuses too, or the general “I’m just not  ready”.  I know that for us we just needed time apart and some issues worked out. I would really try to have a serious discussion with him so that you can make some informed decisions about your relationship (if you ever think about going separate ways).  It’s not fair to you to change up your life and be on hold with the future.

 

I hope this helped!  Feel free if to PM me if you want.  Hang in there!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I went through this too. My Fiance answer was just that he wasn’t ready. So I accepted the way things were, because I would rather have him in my life either way. It sucked, but the proposal did come. And I might add too…mine didn’t propose with a ring because of money issues. But he got me a cheaper “placeholder ring”, which meant as much to me as any big ol’ rock.

If you love him, you will need to accept that he’s not ready or you need to move on. It really really sucks, but you don’t want to have to pressure someone to marry you. It’s only going to end up in arguments and resent.

Edited to say: you shouldn’t have to pressure anyone than that. You sound like an accomplished person and a loyal girlfriend. Give it some time, but also keep that in mind too. You’re worth marrying.

Post # 13
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@mikarla:  I can definitely relate… I am almost 26, SO is 29 and we have been together almost 3 years.

Shortly after our 1 year anniversary (May 2011), he promised we would get engaged by our 2 year anniversary (May 2012), and he apparently didn’t even remember this promise until it came up one day in December 2011.  Right before our 2 year anniversary, he told me ahead of time that he couldn’t propose yet because he was struggling financially (he quit his job and went back to school, and even though his veteran’s VI bill covers tuition and living expenses, it doesn’t go far in southern California with a high cost of living- so he is legit having financial problems).  A good friend of mine got engaged on our 2 year anniversary, so that was not a fun anniversary for us (they started dating after we did). 

I said I wouldn’t wait forever and he said it would happen before our 3 year anniversary (May 2013).  We looked at rings in June 2012 and I thought it was coming soon.  He said he would try to make it happen in 2012 if he could but he wasn’t going to promise anything just in case.  Nothing happened and he owes me money.  He said he needed more time to save money (and then spent 3 times his limit on me for Christmas) and now he needs to save more money.  After New Years, we looked at rings again.  The other day he admitted that he hasn’t even put down the down payment yet (which is only $100). 

I really resent his broken promises, let downs, and being all talk and no action.  Sometimes I don’t know how much more I can take, and even if he does get his act together, I don’t know if that resentment will go away.  I know some bees say it does, but what if it doesn’t?  I don’t know if I will be able to forgive him- this has been the source of so much negativity in my life.  Why should I marry a man who didn’t propose after he promised?  Am I an idiot for sticking around?  Am I just not good enough?  (Which is a riddiculous question because I’m a catch but it is so hard not to think it while waiting).  I don’t like being an angry girlfriend nagging him about a ring- I never thought I would be that girl- and here I am.  Any time we talk about it he gets upset, but if he grew a pair and proposed we would never have to talk about it again.  It is so easy to fix!  Not talking about it doesn’t work either.  I am so angry sometimes that I am not sure if I should walk away, not sure if our relationship will ever be as good as it was before he broke his promise.

I love him to pieces- and some days are amazing and negative waiting thoughts don’t even cross my mind.  He is so sweet and thoughtful and he takes such good care of me- he cooks for me, does dishes, and supported me in my goal of starting running again- he held my hand across the finish line for 3 Half-Marathons this year.  If you asked our family and friends they would say we are perfect together and have no idea I am so discontent with our relationship status.  And then some days are awful- I am so resentful and upset I can’t even think straight.  But more and more some days I just feel so numb- like I just can’t care anymore because it just leads to more disappointment.  My walk date is September 1, 2014- the first day of my first paid, real attorney job (that happens to take me across the country)! 

OP, the only things I can say is that I get it, and I’m sorry you are in this spot too…  that nagging doesn’t help (I learned that the hard way)… and to remember that you are a catch!!  I whole-heartedly hope that he comes around and you don’t have to make good on your walk date.  I’m so sorry this ended up being so long- I wanted to know that you aren’t alone. *HUG*

Post # 15
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sorry to hear that, that sucks. After living with my husband for a year, he told me several times he was planning on proposing and never went through with it. (From the first time he asked about my ring size to the time he actually proposed was about a year, but we were only together for a short time) I got annoyed and stuff, but never thought about leaving him due to it. If him not proposing and you getting butt hurt over it is worth breaking up, then maybe this really isn’t the right relationship for you.

Post # 16
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mikarla:  I just want to say that I’ve been in the same place as you too.  I have actually been engaged twice before now.  While I had a ring both times, that was the end of it. 

The first time I was very young….17.  We planned to wait until after I finished college.  I practically supported him on the $200/mo allowance from my parents for all 3 years I was there.  I couldn’t get him to get a job.  He failed out of school, then sold his car to pay a year’s rent.  When that was up, he finally got a job at the school, but came home daily resentful of me for expecting him to keep going.  He then “fell” at work and sprained his wrist.  He loved the workman’s comp, and after 12 weeks out, he was fired.  He got evicted, then moved in with me.  I was young, and in love, and convinced that I would show everyone who said he wasn’t worth the time.  When my senior year started, I began making plans, dress shopping, talking about where we would move to, planning life in general.  I took him out for his B-day in late Feb (I graduated the following May).  At dinner I told him that I wanted to get married right before Christmas, and shared all the plans I had in my head.  He looked at me right then and said he wasn’t sure if he was ready to make that kind of committment, but that he’d be ok with starting a family once I got a good job.  I became very resentful after that.  I tried my best to make it work, but when I went home after college, I left him there.  He didn’t want to come home with me, he was having too much fun bumming on his buddy’s couch.  So I left him there, and last I checked, he’s still there.  We were together a total of 5 years.

My second was a whirlwind.  We started dating in August, moved in together in November, got engaged in April, bought a house in July.  Then I started talking to him about setting a date.  He was good with doing it quickly, like September, and even went dress shopping with me and my mom.  I ended up crying in the parking lot because while I was in a dress, he looked at me and said that he thought we really needed to wait a while.  All I saw in that moment was a re-play of my first go round.  I told him so, he appologized, but then said I deserved to have a well planned wedding, so we agreed to wait until Feb.  Not a week later, he told me he was feeling pressured into getting married.  He wasn’t sure that he was ready.  In November, I found out he was cheating, and everything went off the table.  I really tried my best to forgive him, and take his word that it would never happen again.  In January, I began making plans again.  He would discuss them with me, even agreed on a date for the following December, and his mother even began helping me plan colors, invites, and everything.  A week before V-day, I confronted him again about cheating because I knew it hadn’t stopped.  He then blamed me and told me that he wouldn’t have if I didn’t pressure him into making a committment.  He moved out, but within 2 weeks, he was calling and begging for forgiveness.  He still wanted to see me, still loved me….but now I was the other woman.  He toyed with me for nearly another year.  He finally decided he wanted to be exclusive with someone else, so after breaking my heart for the last time, I quit seeking his company.  He reached out to me within a week or two trying to get me to come back over, but I was done.

Out of all that, I’ve learned that I will no accept being treated like a burden.  My current Fiance, who has been one of my best friends since I was 12, is such a joy.  We decided to marry rather quickly, but before he even asked my father, we started pre-marital counseling at his request.  I have never been so well treated.  I have never been so loved.  I was terrified to start over.  I just knew no one would ever make me their bride.  I had zero self esteem, and all the education, work place promotions, or life achievements couldn’t convince me that I was a catch.  But throught that broken shell of myself, my best friend saw the woman he’d been looking for (about time, I told him when I was 12 that I would marry him some day,lol).  I say all this to give you hope.  Even if things don’t pan out where you are now, and I hope they will, you will move on.  You deserve to be the center of someone’s world.  If I were you, I’d ask him what the difference between telling you he’s going to propose and actually doing it is.  What does some event where he gives you metal and rocks have to do with whether or not you can begin living the rest of your life?  That holding pattern is terrible.  You must understand that he is losing nothing in your current arrangment.  He has you there to do all the things a wife would.  And let’s face it, he doesn’t have the biological clock that we women do.  Even if children aren’t a factor in your plans, you are the one who is losing.  You obviously feel heartache over it.  Your best friend, your lover, the number one man in your life, should want to protect you from hurt.  He should want to make you happy, see you laugh, rejoice in your joy.  He should hurt when you hurt, simply because you are hurting.  That is what best friends do.  And you can’t have a long term, happy relationship if you aren’t best friends.

Just my 2 cent…I hope it is a comfort.

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